Daily Joke

[Cross-7]

My buddy's wife found out that their dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and
get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So she went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple
of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on
my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

 

[Nesikep]

Cross7.. and here I was thinking that was going to have something to do with her husband not hearing her!

 

[greybeard]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnPrxbYARJg

 

[goddy]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnPrxbYARJg

That took me by surprise and nearly made a better than half decent pinot noir come out my nose !

 

[Cross-7]

A cowboy walks into town and he sees an Indian sitting on the side of the road with his dog, his horse, and a sheep.

The cowboy walks up to the Indian and says, "Hey, that's a cool dog. Mind if I speak to him."

The Indian looks up at the cowboy and says, "Dog...no...talk."

But the cowboy turns to the dog anyway and he says, "Hey dog. How's it going?"

The dog answers "Doin' all right. Thanks for asking."

"Is this your owner?", the cowboy asks.

"Yep."

"Well, how's he treating you?"

The dog answers, "Real good. He walks me, he feeds me great food, he takes me to the lake to play."

The Indian is amazed at this point, and then the cowboy asks if he can talk to his horse.

Again the Indian says, "horse...no...talk."

But the cowboy turns to the horse and says, "Hey horse. How's it going?"

The horse replies, "I 'm doing good."

"Is this your owner?", says the cowboy.

"Sure is," answers the horse.

"Well how's he treating you?"

"Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, he brushes me down, and keeps me in a nice warm barn with all the hay and straw I'd ever want."

The Indian is totally amazed, so when the cowboy turns to the sheep, the Indian is clearly worried.

The cowboy asks, "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

To which the Indian answers, "SHEEP LIE!"

 

[Cross-7]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight, older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

'Go get your Mother.'

 

[TexasBred]

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that
stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts
without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see
if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower,
rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want
bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and
to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a
panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't
recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle
aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies..'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a
patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...

 

[TN Cattle Man]

I hope this one hasn't been posted before...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three frosty mugs of Snake River.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time...."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving over seas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

:help:

 

[Cross-7]

HILLARY CLINTON GOES TO A GIFTED-STUDENT PRIMARY SCHOOL IN NEW YORK TO TALK ABOUT THE WORLD.

AFTER HER TALK SHE OFFERS QUESTION TIME.

ONE LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND. HILLARY ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.

"KENNETH," HE SAYS.

"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, KENNETH - ??" SHE ASKS.

"I HAVE THREE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.

"FIRST -- WHATEVER HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI - ??

"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF
HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS - ??

"AND, THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE
YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE - ??"

JUST THEN THE BELL RINGS FOR RECESS.

HILLARY INFORMS THE KIDDIES THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE AFTER RECESS.

WHEN THEY RESUME HILLARY SAYS,

"OKAY, WHERE WERE WE - ?? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, QUESTION TIME.

WHO HAS A QUESTION - ??"

A DIFFERENT BOY -- LITTLE JOHNNY -- PUTS HIS HAND UP.

HILLARY POINTS TO HIM AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.

"JOHNNY," HE SAYS.

"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, JOHNNY - ??" SHE ASKS.

"I HAVE FIVE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.

"FIRST -- WHATEVER HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI - ??

"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF
HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS - ??

"THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU
WERE SECRETARY OF STATE - ??

"FOURTH -- WHY DID THE RECESS BELL GO OFF 20 MINUTES EARLY - ??

"AND, FIFTH -- WHERE IS KENNETH - ??"

 

[JMJ Farms]

:lol2: :bang:

 

[kerley]

:deadhorse: Hillary Clinton is an extension of Obama.

 

[midTN_Brangusman]

Two good ol country boys were headed to a coon hunt one night. Ol boy in the passenger seat said man Im about to shyt my pants. Driver said let me pull over. Ol boy said I aint got nuttin to wipe with. Driver told him just use a dollar, Ive done it , it worked for me. So the driver pulled over, ol boy went in the woods, came back smiling man I feel better. He got back in the truck and they headed on to the hunt and the driver said "man I smell shyt, you shyt your pants or what?" Bout that time he looked over and ol boy had shyt all over his hands. Driver said thought you were going to use a dollar, ol boy said I did. You ever tried to wipe your azz with three quarters two dimes and a nickel!

 

[Nesikep]

Two good ol country boys were headed to a coon hunt one night. Ol boy in the passenger seat said man Im about to shyt my pants. Driver said let me pull over. Ol boy said I aint got nuttin to wipe with. Driver told him just use a dollar, Ive done it , it worked for me. So the driver pulled over, ol boy went in the woods, came back smiling man I feel better. He got back in the truck and they headed on to the hunt and the driver said "man I smell shyt, you shyt your pants or what?" Bout that time he looked over and ol boy had shyt all over his hands. Driver said thought you were going to use a dollar, ol boy said I did. You ever tried to wipe your azz with three quarters two dimes and a nickel!

And here I was figuring he put the dollar back in his pocket!

 

[TexasBred]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: 'What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for
no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: 'I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry. just take a
glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished
with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. Its keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"...

 

[Rafter S]

The side discussion in the "Locked Thread" about being sober got me to thinking. I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning; that's the best they're going to feel that day.

 

[Dave]

The side discussion in the "Locked Thread" about being sober got me to thinking. I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning; that's the best they're going to feel that day.

I haven't drank in years (thank you God) but when I wake up in the morning is certainly not the best I will feel all day. In fact until I get limbered up and moving morning is often the worse I will feel. The best is generally right after dinner when I sit in the recliner and put my feet up..... Well except when the wife is feeling frisky. In that case that would be the time when I feel the best all day.

 

[JMJ Farms]

The side discussion in the "Locked Thread" about being sober got me to thinking. I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning; that's the best they're going to feel that day.

There's no such thing as a hangover. That's just a feeling of returning to normal :lol2:

 

[Clodhopper]

Little Johnny's parents took him to church faithfully, and Johnny always attended Sunday school. He paid attention to his teacher, and was especially interested in the story of the Adam and Eve.
Later in the week, Johnny was laying down on the couch, looking a bit ill. His mother asked him, "Johnny, are you ok? You don't look like you're feeling good." Johnny replied" I have a pain in my side, I think I'm having a wife."

 

[IABeef]

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision youmake. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to makethroughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

 

[slick4591]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!!!