Daily Joke

[greybeard]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[JMJ Farms]

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

 

[Nesikep]

haha.. bunch of good ones there!

 

[TexasBred]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his a$$ again!'

 

[JMJ Farms]

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

 

[Clodhopper]

If this has already been posted, sorry. It's one of my favorites.
A man goes to a horse trader to buy a horse. The trader has him in a small barnlot where the buyer looks him over. The buyer says "good looking gelding, but I believe he's blind!" The trader argues no, nothing wrong with him. This goes on for a few minutes, and the buyer finally says "No, I don't want this sack of dog food." Trader says "I'm telling you he ain't blind!" With that , he opens the gate, leads the horse out of the lot, and gives him a smack on the rear. The horse farts, takes off at a dead run and collides with a lone tree in the middle of the pasture knocked out cold. Buyer says triumphantly "see, I told you he's blind!" to which buyer replies "I'm telling you he ain't blind, he just don't give a shxx!"

 

[Rafter S]

I don't know if this one has been posted either, and I'm not going to read through 102 pages to see:

Do you know why it's so hard for women to find a man that's handsome, kind, considerate, and sensitive?

It's because most of the men with those qualities already have a boyfriend.

 

[Nesikep]

I don't know if this one has been posted either, and I'm not going to read through 102 pages to see:

Do you know why it's so hard for women to find a man that's handsome, kind, considerate, and sensitive? aka: gentlemen

It's because most of the men with those qualities already have a boyfriend.

Along those lines, and less of a joke, is the other reason.. They don't date ladies, not sluts

 

[slick4591]

Ho Chow calls into work and say, 'Hey, I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work today.'

The boss says, 'You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and then I come to work."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls in again and says, 'Boss, I do what you want and I feel great. I will be at work soon... Boss, you sure got nice house.'

 

[Cross-7]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right
hand… nothing. I tried with my left hand… nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand… nothing.

Her left hand… nothing. Her mouth… nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand,mouth… still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!"

The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

 

[Cross-7]

One afternoon two cajun's over in a South Louisiana trailer park were sittin' around talkin' over a cold beer after gettin' off work at the local crawfish plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his haid, and squinted his eyes thinkin' real hard about the question. Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

 

[LCCattle]

Hillary is crooked!
How crooked is she?
She is so crooked that when she dies they will have to screw her in the ground.

 

[TexasBred]

One afternoon two cajun's over in a South Louisiana trailer park were sittin' around talkin' over a cold beer after gettin' off work at the local crawfish plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his haid, and squinted his eyes thinkin' real hard about the question. Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

:lol: :lol: :clap: :clap: :lol: :lol:

 

[cowboy43]

You know if you used any other nationally but a Cajun in that joke it would be a racial joke. :hide:

 

[ez14]

You know if you used any other nationally but a Cajun in that joke it would be a racial joke. :hide:

Like this you mean

One afternoon two Mexicans over in a South Louisiana trailer park were sittin' around talkin' over a cold beer after gettin' off work at the local crawfish plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his haid, and squinted his eyes thinkin' real hard about the question. Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

hope i don`t get in to much trouble for that :hide:

 

[TexasBred]

The following questions were set in last year's
GED examination These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are
well endowed

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

 

[Cross-7]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest stripper, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's stripper

 

[SmokinM]

Cross that's fantastic!

 

[slick4591]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems alright – but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma', how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

 

[HDRider]

Dang, them's good jokes..