Daily Joke

Help Support CattleToday:

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think uncle Bob wants to buy Mom .....
 
Cowboy at the Pearly Gates!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shat out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
 
TexasBred":1qfswvlk said:
Cowboy at the Pearly Gates!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shat out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: love it
 
TexasBred":5jhggj7m said:
Cowboy at the Pearly Gates!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shat out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
Click to expand...


:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
 
John Cassis is one of our nation's finest motivational speakers. He told a story recently about a time when he was serving as one of the Chaplin's for the Chicago Bears during their glory years of the 80's.

As John tells it, Mike Ditka was about to deliver a locker room pep talk one day. He looked up and saw defensive tackle William "Refrigerator" Perry. How could he not see him? At 338 pounds, the Fridge stood out even in a crowd of pro football players. Ditka gestured to the Fridge. "When I get finished," he said, "I'd like you to close with the Lord's Prayer." Then the coach began his talk.

Meanwhile, Jim McMahon, the brash and outspoken quarterback, punched John Cassis. "Look at Perry," McMahon whispered, "he doesn't know the Lord's Prayer." Sure enough, Perry sat with a look of panic on his face, his head in his hands. He was sweating profusely. "Everybody knows the Lord's Prayer," said Cassis to McMahon in disbelief.
After a few minutes of watching the Refrigerator leaking several gallons of sweat, McMahon nudged Cassis again. "I'll bet you 50 bucks Fridge doesn't know the Lord's Prayer."

As Cassis tells the story, he stops to reflect on the absurdity of it all: "Here we were sitting in chapel and betting 50 bucks on the Lord's Prayer." When Coach Ditka finished his pep talk, he asked all the men to remove their caps. Then he nodded at Perry and bowed his head.

It was quiet for a few moments before the Fridge spoke in a shaky voice, "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord, my soul to keep…"

Cassis felt the tap on his shoulder. It was Jim McMahon. "Here's the 50 dollars," he whispered. "I had no idea Perry knew the Lord's Prayer."
 
Today's Humor


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire,
or call him an a$$hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-a$$ decision or that the coach is a shythead is it?" "No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
 
TexasBred":2kizukno said:
Today's Humor


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire,
or call him an a$$hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-a$$ decision or that the coach is a shythead is it?" "No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
Click to expand...
:lol:
 
Texas Farm Kid

Only a Texas farm kid would see it this way!



When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.



A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.



A boy, about 9, opened the door.



"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.



"No, they went to town."



"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"



"No, he went with Mom and Dad."



The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,



"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".



The boy thought for a moment, then says,



"You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
 
So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food for my dogs. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???) So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the I.C.U with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped-off a curb to sniff a spaniel's backside and a truck hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
OwnedByTheCow":3ki8kbfn said:
So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food for my dogs. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???) So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the I.C.U with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped-off a curb to sniff a spaniel's backside and a truck hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Click to expand...

:clap: :clap: :clap: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Middle aged man goes to a doctor for a complete check-up. After more than two hours of grueling exams the doctor pronounces" Bob you are in perfect health, you have the constitution of a twenty year old."
Bob is delighted and leaves the exam room to the lobby. As he opens the door to leave he drops dead. The receptionist screams and the doctors runs to see what is the matter.
"Doctor, What are going to do?" she asks.
The doctor replies "I suppose we should call 911, but first lets turn him around."
 
Drunk goes into a bar. A big sign reads "ALL YOU CAN DRINK $1.00"
Drunk says "Give me two dollars worth."
 
Old Ziggy cartoon:

Waiter to diner "Of course it's half eaten, it's the Chef's Salad!"
 
Old Indian Chief went on first train ride , took 10 year old grand son along to help in modern world.
Chief say me thirsty get drink , this happened several times till the grand son came back with a empty cup.
Chief asked why you no bring me water.
Grandson said , can't
Chief said , why
Grandson said,
White man sit-um on spring. :hide:
 

Similar threads

D
Daily Chuckle
292 293 294
Replies
6K
Views
399K
Ouachita
O
cfpinz
Daily Emails from CT
Replies
11
Views
2K
cfpinz
cfpinz
J
Thought this was a joke but it's real. Sexbots coming to a store near you.
2
Replies
20
Views
2K
JWBrahman
J
dun
Taking a joke
2
Replies
25
Views
2K
1982vett
1982vett
C
Joke! Joke! Joke!
Replies
7
Views
1K
wacocowboy
W

Latest posts

Top