Daily Joke

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Ole Skeeter strolled into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a very attractive blonde at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his companion.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. Shaking his head, Skeeter said, "I'd like to see something more special."

With $$$$ in his eyes, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The woman's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Smiling fondly at the blonde, Skeeter said decisively, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and Skeeter stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pickup the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned Skeeter and nervously said, "Sir, your bank just advised me there are insufficient funds in your account to cover your check."

"Yeah, I know," said Ole Skeeter, "But I had a real good weekend."
 
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

"What are you doing, Mommy?" The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

"Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy's tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out."

The little girl replies, "Well, mommy you really shouldn't bother with that."

The mother has a confused look on her face, "Why do you say that sweetheart?"

The little girl replies, "Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up."
 
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.
 
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
 
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 
A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."
 
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And poof!
Just like that,

her ears fell off.
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a
while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement
of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "But have you ever eaten pork?"

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon
sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while
later, the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of
your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "And Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the
pledge of my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich, doesn't it?
 
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..


When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
 
Students at a high school were assigned to read 2 books: Titanic and My Life by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the propositions that they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: Cost – $29.99
Clinton : Cost – $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshyt artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of Seamen.
Clinton: Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing.

The report got an A+.
 
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But, after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'You remember Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The dam judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.
 
Little boy, dressed as a pirate, with a speech impediment goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door, a lady answers and says "A little pirate! Where's your little buccaneers?" Little boy says "right here, on my little bucking head!"
 
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
 
The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!'

...you hit her with the Shovel!
 

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