chrisy
Well-known member
bom! bom! :bang: :bang:Dave":19byzctw said:
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
- Start date
Help Support CattleToday:
ga.prime
Well-known member
An eighteen wheeler hauling a load of ramen noodles crashed and rolled on the interstate highway today. Losses are estimated at $58.
JMJ Farms
Well-known member
REDNECKS LETTER TO BANK
Dear Sir/Madam:
I have just received your heated letter in regard to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago, and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I'll enlighten you.
In 1937, I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1939, I bought an ox team, a timber cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver, and five razor-back hogs – all on credit.
In 1940, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a da^<#* thing; one of my ponies died, and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-#~^*£ who starved him to death. In 1944, my father died and my mother was hanged for horse-stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $38.52 to keep the little b<~%*# from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1954, my son had the mumps and, when they went down on him, the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer, I went fishing and the boat toppled over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1955, my wife ran away with some slob and left me with three small children as a souvenir. I married the "hired girl" to keep expenses down. I had trouble getting her off, so the doctor told me to try creating some excitement just as she was beginning to ^+=*. That night, I took the shotgun to bed with me and, just as she was beginning to ^~*#, I pointed it out the window and pulled the trigger. Well, she s>%# in the bed, I ruptured myself, and killed the best da?^#* milk cow I ever had.
In 1960, I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. Then, all I did was wind up my watch and p|$$.
The next year, the trouble really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his a$$ on a corn cob with rat poison on it, and somebody denutted my best bull.
In 1968, I decided to go into another business of my own. I ordered six beehives from Sears and Roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a Queen bee, all on the installment plan. The Queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a wh0>% and started running around with a horse-fly and the honey tasted like horse-s*+=, and I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I don't pay you, you will cause trouble. Right now, if it cost two cents to s
* I couldn't fart. Getting money out of me would be like trying to sandpaper a wildcat's a$$ but you are welcome to try.
Yours For More Credit,
Johnny Redneck
Dear Sir/Madam:
I have just received your heated letter in regard to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago, and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I'll enlighten you.
In 1937, I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1939, I bought an ox team, a timber cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver, and five razor-back hogs – all on credit.
In 1940, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a da^<#* thing; one of my ponies died, and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-#~^*£ who starved him to death. In 1944, my father died and my mother was hanged for horse-stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $38.52 to keep the little b<~%*# from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1954, my son had the mumps and, when they went down on him, the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer, I went fishing and the boat toppled over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1955, my wife ran away with some slob and left me with three small children as a souvenir. I married the "hired girl" to keep expenses down. I had trouble getting her off, so the doctor told me to try creating some excitement just as she was beginning to ^+=*. That night, I took the shotgun to bed with me and, just as she was beginning to ^~*#, I pointed it out the window and pulled the trigger. Well, she s>%# in the bed, I ruptured myself, and killed the best da?^#* milk cow I ever had.
In 1960, I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. Then, all I did was wind up my watch and p|$$.
The next year, the trouble really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his a$$ on a corn cob with rat poison on it, and somebody denutted my best bull.
In 1968, I decided to go into another business of my own. I ordered six beehives from Sears and Roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a Queen bee, all on the installment plan. The Queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a wh0>% and started running around with a horse-fly and the honey tasted like horse-s*+=, and I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I don't pay you, you will cause trouble. Right now, if it cost two cents to s
* I couldn't fart. Getting money out of me would be like trying to sandpaper a wildcat's a$$ but you are welcome to try.Yours For More Credit,
Johnny Redneck
TexasBred
Well-known member
Raisin Bread
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
:clap: :clap: :clap:
HDRider
Well-known member
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:bbirder":3982j3xi said:
TexasBred
Well-known member
"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are an aphrodisiac, in 10 years they could be extinct
**********************************************************************************************************************
A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning,cop hating, Obama loving protester."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins,not to discuss your community service."
**********************************************************************************************************************
A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning,cop hating, Obama loving protester."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins,not to discuss your community service."
TexasBred
Well-known member
Building Permit:
Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. Then I was gonna hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day....
The City Council told me; Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."
Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!
Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. Then I was gonna hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day....
The City Council told me; Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."
Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!
JMJ Farms
Well-known member
A lawyer was pheasant hunting and he shot and dropped a bird. It fell into a cattle pasture on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly cattle rancher drove up and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "What the He!! does it look like I'm doing? I shot a pheasant and it fell in this pasture and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The cattle rancher replied, "I don't care for your attitude. This is my property and I want you gone."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The cattle rancher said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The cattle rancher replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old cattle rancher slowly climbed out of his pickup and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the gut sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the cattle ranchers third kick to the lawyers a$$ sent him face-first into a fresh pile of cow sH1*.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old bas7(/!. Now it's my turn."
The cattle rancher smiled and said, "Naw, I give up... You can have the dam pheasant."
The lawyer responded, "What the He!! does it look like I'm doing? I shot a pheasant and it fell in this pasture and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The cattle rancher replied, "I don't care for your attitude. This is my property and I want you gone."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The cattle rancher said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The cattle rancher replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old cattle rancher slowly climbed out of his pickup and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the gut sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the cattle ranchers third kick to the lawyers a$$ sent him face-first into a fresh pile of cow sH1*.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old bas7(/!. Now it's my turn."
The cattle rancher smiled and said, "Naw, I give up... You can have the dam pheasant."
TexasBred
Well-known member
:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: :clap: :lol: :lol: :lol:
JMJ Farms
Well-known member
On a hot summer afternoon, an old texas rancher was putting out salt blocks on a place he had leased near town. He pulled up to a pond and immediately noticed a nearby tree draped with feminine clothing. Upon closer inspection, he spotted four beautiful college age girls, buck naked, swimming in the pond.
Upon spotting the rancher, one of the girls shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave, you pervert!"
To which the old rancher replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond.......... I just came by to feed my alligators."
Upon spotting the rancher, one of the girls shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave, you pervert!"
To which the old rancher replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond.......... I just came by to feed my alligators."
fnfarms1
Well-known member
The Oklahoma Turnpike Authority started noticing a problem of crows being hit daily by semi's and pickup's. They hired bird experts, vegetarians, and animal behavioral specialist to study the problem and find a solution. After months of study they made their report. "Crows use a sentry bird that plays look-out for the other birds that are sitting on the roadway. when the crows see a oncoming car the sentry crow calls out 'caw caw'. None of the crows were able to say 'truck'..........
Commercialfarmer
Well-known member
JMJ Farms
Well-known member
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "my point exactly."
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "my point exactly."
JMJ Farms
Well-known member
An old Texan partnered with some guys with money to lease and stock a ranch. The Texan's contribution to the deal was his "expertise" and he hired a Mexican crew to go around the fences. He loaded the crew foreman into his pickup to show him around.
The Mexican asked how big the ranch was, and in a boastful tone, the old Texan answered, "Amigo, you can drive this pickup for an 2 hours and still not make it to the back side of the ranch."
The Mexican said, "I understand, Senor -- I used to have a pickup like that."
The Mexican asked how big the ranch was, and in a boastful tone, the old Texan answered, "Amigo, you can drive this pickup for an 2 hours and still not make it to the back side of the ranch."
The Mexican said, "I understand, Senor -- I used to have a pickup like that."
Nesikep
Well-known member
JMJ.. I heard a different version of that one... a Swiss emigrant who went back to the homeland to tell is old friends about how big his new place was
TexasBred
Well-known member
Subject: Fwd: Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years . All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me .
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off.
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ? Your advice would be appreciated ....Mad as He##
Dear Mad as He##,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady!
Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try acting like one!
Abby
Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years . All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me .
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off.
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ? Your advice would be appreciated ....Mad as He##
Dear Mad as He##,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady!
Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try acting like one!
Abby
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
That funny as he!!. Had to share it.
Commercialfarmer
Well-known member
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
That's when the lights went out.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
That's when the lights went out.
TexasBred
Well-known member
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use "protection" all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
