Daily Joke

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
 
HAHAHA! great one TB!

Here's one I got from a buddy


Five Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND.....I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
All good ones Nesi...

Here's another:

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course. But - We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. And this was the way the rest of the game went - The robot's suggestions were always correct and the man's entire game was the best game he had ever played.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny
silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied,

"We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he's the President! :hide:
 
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three the sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them. The farmer friend read the Will patiently. After giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17, increasing the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

That's 17 horses total. He took his own horse back to his farm. Problem solved.

Moral:
The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the "18th horse", that is "the common ground". Once a person is able to find the 18th horse, the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any! It would be a good idea if all our politicians could do farmer math!
 
Took down our American flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. We've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass
Neighborhood Watch.



Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.



Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer and we're saving $49.95 a month.
 
A police officer called the station on his radio.

He said, "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

The station responded, "Have you arrested the woman?"

He answered, "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
 
My daughter and SIL renovated their house extensively. He insisted on a metal roof (standing seam) which took the contactor a long time to finish. One day, referring to time elapsed, Danny asked the lead man on the job "Did you guys do the Sistine Chapel?". Without missing a beat, the man responded "was that shingle or metal?"
 
A oldie, not sure if it has been posted before:
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
 
Did you hear about the guy who had a talking dog? He took his dog to a bar to brag to the bartender about his talking dog. Bartender says prove it. So he says to his dog who is sitting on the seat next to him, ‪#‎What‬'s my name?" The dog goes "Wralph!" And then he says "What's that above my head?" And the dog goes "Woof!" The bartender gives him a stupid look and kicks them both out the door and when they land on their butts outside, the dog says, "What the he// was his problem?!! "
 
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."


The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."


The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....






"I didn't feel a thing."
 
A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas
when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim,
shoots and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.
"It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.
Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from
Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making
room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer and runs
away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots and kills him. As he is
retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !"
protests the Californian.
"Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
 
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?

"The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, you're the expert!!"
 
A lady was in front of the judge on a domestic abuse charge because she beat her husband with his guitars.

The judge asked her "First offender?"

She says " No. First it was a Gibson, then it was a Fender."
 
Back on June 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, I'm back. Now what was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Lord, I can't talk right now. The %$## Texans put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
 
When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, Muslim leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven.
What did you think I said?"....."You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
 
slick4591":2zd1pvne said:
When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, Muslim leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven.
What did you think I said?"....."You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
Click to expand...
That would really be funny if it was fiction.
 

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