Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Joe is looking for a fun new car. Joe goes to a dealership and the salesperson showes him a Corvette. The amazing thing about this Corvette is that it runs on Vaseline, not gasoline. Joe takes the Vette out for a test drive. He's redlining the tach and flipping through the gears and having a blast, when the engine goes cough couch kerchunk wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze, and stops. He's out of fuel. Joe spots a farmhouse, and starts walking over.
Inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and his daughter have just sat down to dinner. They discuss chores, and make an agreement. Whoever speaks the next word will have to do the dishes. Joe walks up to the farmhouse and taps on the screen door. He can see everyone inside, and can see that they all see him. He asks "can I come in?" and no one says anything. As no one said "no", Joe walks in. Joe notices that dinner has been served, and realizes he's famished. He asks if he may join the family for dinner. No one says no, so Joe digs in and eats his fill. Joe notices that the daughter is quite attractive, and begins to make comments to that effect. No one says anything. Joe asks the farmer if he may make love with the farmer's daughter. No one said no, so Joe and the daughter head upstairs and have passionate(though silent) sex. Joe and the daughter finish, and come back downstairs. Joe notices that the wife is very attractive too, and again, he asks if he may make love with the farmer's wife. No one says anything, so Joe and the wife go upstairs and have passionate sex. Joe and the wife come back downstairs, and and Joe looks at his watch. He's late! He's got to get that Corvette back to the dealership, but he's out of fuel! Joe thinks, and looks the farmer straight in the eye, and asks "do you have any Vaseline?"
The farmer gets up and slams down his fork and says "FINE! I'll do the dishes!"
This is an actual case.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our ???? loan?"
They got it.
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and became the chairman of Enron.
3 men go to heaven and are hanging out in line to get in. St. Peter walks up to his podium and says, "Gentlemen, your ride in heaven is determined by your faithfulness to your spouse."
The first man, Bob proudly walks up. St. Peter smiles, "Very good sir. Ever since you met your wife, never did you think about another woman and kept faithful to her in all your years. Here's the keys to your Rolls Royce." The man beams, takes the keys and Bob drives into heaven.
Mike seemed a little nervous but straightens his tie and walks up. St. Peter says, "Not bad, not bad. You had a wandering eye, and there was that one time with you at work with the secretary in the closet, but you stopped her short, gained control and confessed to your wife. Here's the keys to your Ford Escort". Mike nods acceptingly and drives into heaven.
Joe, third in line, is in a cold sweat, whistling and avoiding eye-contact. St. Peter says, "Joe!" He jumps but shakely approaches. "Obviously you've made amends because you're here but your history! Always flirting, always making those kinds of jokes, and there was that affair you kept secret for a few months with the gal down the street." Joe nods shamefully. "Again though, you told your wife and after much time and pain, you managed to pull it together and revoke your sinful ways." Joe sees a ray of hope. St. Peter finishes, "Here's the keys to your moped".
So Joe is mopedding around Heaven and see's Bob in his Rolls Royce at a stoplight. He says to himself, "Hey, I remember that guy from the line. I should go over and say hi". He pulls up next to Bob in his posh car only to find him bawling his eyes out. Joe says, "Bob, you're rolling around eternity in the finest car that ever existed. What in God's kingdom could be wrong?" Bob replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"