Daily Joke
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OwnedByTheCow
Well-known member
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"
Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle . . . It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's not Sarah Palin . . .
It's David Cameron!"
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"
Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle . . . It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's not Sarah Palin . . .
It's David Cameron!"
Nesikep
Well-known member
While we're on the queen of England...
Stephen Harper called up Queen Elizabeth and said "Canada is declaring independence.. We are now an empire"
"But mister Harper, you're not an Emperor", she replied
"Well, then,.. We're now a Kingdom"
"But mister Harper, you're not a King either"
"OK then, we're now a principality"
"Look Mr Harper, you're not a prince either, so perhaps it's a good idea if you just continue to call it a country"
Stephen Harper called up Queen Elizabeth and said "Canada is declaring independence.. We are now an empire"
"But mister Harper, you're not an Emperor", she replied
"Well, then,.. We're now a Kingdom"
"But mister Harper, you're not a King either"
"OK then, we're now a principality"
"Look Mr Harper, you're not a prince either, so perhaps it's a good idea if you just continue to call it a country"
Nesikep
Well-known member
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms,and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms,and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
GuySanders
Well-known member
OH goody, I found one of my favorite places.
I just love jokes.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
I just love jokes.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
Nesikep
Well-known member
I disagree with point 1.. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is clearly optional.. that puts it in line with point 8
GuySanders
Well-known member
Here is one I got off face book. I almost peed my pants the first time I watched it.
And boy is it true.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... jTNLtOuBGU
And boy is it true.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... jTNLtOuBGU
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
msplmtneer
Well-known member
- Joined
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Test of True Love
Lock your wife and dog in the trunk of your car.
Come back in two hours and see which one is the happiest to see you! :banana:
Lock your wife and dog in the trunk of your car.
Come back in two hours and see which one is the happiest to see you! :banana:
TexasBred
Well-known member
Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Mormons, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, Red-Necks etc, but it's insensitive to make jokes about Muslims? We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness.....
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive you may be a Muslim.
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive you may be a Muslim.
Nesikep
Well-known member
While do find that very funny.. No one gets pizzier than jews when you make jokes about them.. and any critical comment will immediately label you as anti semitic.
So here I go
Q: How did copper wire get invented?
A: 2 jews fighting over a penny
Mr Goldstien and Mr Black are sitting on miami beach, discussing why they're there.. turns out they both had factories that suffered disasters.
Mr Goldstien says "Yes, My factory burnt down last week, I'm here waiting on the insurance money to rebuild it better that it was"
Mr Black says "I'm here waiting for the insurance to fix the flood damage in mine"
Mr Goldstien says.. "OK... I know how you make a fire, but how do you make a flood?"
So here I go
Q: How did copper wire get invented?
A: 2 jews fighting over a penny
Mr Goldstien and Mr Black are sitting on miami beach, discussing why they're there.. turns out they both had factories that suffered disasters.
Mr Goldstien says "Yes, My factory burnt down last week, I'm here waiting on the insurance money to rebuild it better that it was"
Mr Black says "I'm here waiting for the insurance to fix the flood damage in mine"
Mr Goldstien says.. "OK... I know how you make a fire, but how do you make a flood?"
TexasBred
Well-known member
Sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, so, The University of Kentucky challenged any so-called "smart" Yankee to take their final engineering degrees exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, " I'd take my half and leave you"!
He says great, "Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday"! "Hey, stay in touch".
She says, " I'd take my half and leave you"!
He says great, "Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday"! "Hey, stay in touch".
TexasBred
Well-known member
Al Sharpton was visiting a primary school in South Carolina and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the visitor if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the illustrious Mr. Sharpton asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Sharpton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Sharpton. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Sharpton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Sharpton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as he!! wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet a$$ it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room.
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
The teacher asked the visitor if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the illustrious Mr. Sharpton asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Sharpton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Sharpton. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Sharpton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Sharpton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as he!! wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet a$$ it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room.
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Nesikep
Well-known member
Good one.. need to modify it for our country 
TexasBred
Well-known member
Well I had to modify that one a bit for the board. Didn't figure it would go over too well if I used the POTUS. :mrgreen:Nesikep":2a09folq said:Good one.. need to modify it for our country
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
TexasBred
Well-known member
The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one he!! of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, Iwas without a headache... for the first time in 20 years, but I felt
like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' I entered the shop and
told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'I
thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.' I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one he!! of a headache." :cry2:
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, Iwas without a headache... for the first time in 20 years, but I felt
like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' I entered the shop and
told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'I
thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.' I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one he!! of a headache." :cry2:
Nesikep
Well-known member
Son Finds Mom's Driver License:
So a kid is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license.
His mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him. The kid says ''but I learned so much about you from it!''
''Well, O.K., what did you learn about me?''
''Well... I know your age now.''
''And what is that?,'' says his mother.
''You're old,'' says the kid.''And I learned your height.''
''Which is?''
''You're really tall.''
''Well, yes I am tall for a woman.''
''And I learned your weight,'' he says.
''And what is that?'' asks the mother.
''A lot for a woman your height.''
''The mother sighs and says''Well, that's not nice, but I can't argue that.''
''And,''the kid says, ''I know why dad divorced you.''
Huh? What! How on earth did you get that from a driver's license?''
''Because you got an F in sex!''
So a kid is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license.
His mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him. The kid says ''but I learned so much about you from it!''
''Well, O.K., what did you learn about me?''
''Well... I know your age now.''
''And what is that?,'' says his mother.
''You're old,'' says the kid.''And I learned your height.''
''Which is?''
''You're really tall.''
''Well, yes I am tall for a woman.''
''And I learned your weight,'' he says.
''And what is that?'' asks the mother.
''A lot for a woman your height.''
''The mother sighs and says''Well, that's not nice, but I can't argue that.''
''And,''the kid says, ''I know why dad divorced you.''
Huh? What! How on earth did you get that from a driver's license?''
''Because you got an F in sex!''
cow pollinater
Well-known member
I woke up and looked around and found myself in a hospital bed. As I lay there wondering what had happened a beautiful young nurse leaned over me and said," I hate to tell you this but you can't feel anything from the waist down." I nodded solemnly and let that sink in for a moment and then grabbed her boob instead.
