advice please...

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john250

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OK, here goes. My take on this is different.
Don't most women have emotional attachments to men who aren't relatives? The women I know have such attachments. Maybe they are exceptions, but I think they are the majority.
I have attachments to a number of women, gals I would do most anything to help them out in a bind, and they just have to accept each other. This is not a harem, just neighbors and friends. A spouse would have to accept all of them. I wouldn't talk much to a spouse or significant other about these women, because no woman wants to spend time with a man talking about other women.
Someone did a study (your tax dollars at work) and concluded that men are most fearful that their woman is actually physically cheating. Women, on the other hand, are most fearful that he has an emotional attachment to another woman. In other words, one night with a prostitute would not trouble a woman as much as a platonic friendship with her best friend.
I find most of the women I've approached since my divorce are freaked by the fact I get along with the ex. We had a child to raise, and after the initial anger neither of us saw any sense in fighting. We aren't ever getting back together--and she would tell you the same--but we have civil talk about important things and I respect her.
I summation, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill unless you find airline tickets on the Visa or some such evidence that he really intends to interview this other woman.
 

grannysoo

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RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
Thinking about that thread "does there have to be a reason".
The situation is, a lady, never been married, ~40 years old.
Man, been married more than once.

2 - 3 - 4 - 12 times? Pretty broad statement. If it's twice, that's bad. If he's been married 3 times or more, then run like he11. Proven looser in the field of marriage. :dunce:

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
They are in a "forever" relationship without the marriage commitment. (no children only animals)

That statement is unadulterated bovine dung. No such thing as a forever relationship without the committment. He's getting the free milk without buying the cow.

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
She KNOWS the man is "emotionally involved" with another woman for many months.

Knows? You got the pictures to prove it? Got the video? Got transcripts of the conversations? Look at what you've got very carefully. Do you have unquestionable proof or have you worked up your suspicions into paranoia? Think carefully about that.

Emotionally involved as they share their life stories together? Get together and talk about you and how good and/or bad you are? Get together after a rough day and tell each other their problems? Or..... just a friend. A man can have a female friend without being "emotionally" involved. Are they emotionally involved or are you insecure with your relationship?

Or, as a former president once said, would you define the meaning of the word is? :lol2:

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
No sex, but definate flirting!

You don't have to be having sex to be cheating.

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
HE doesnt know SHE knows about the relationship. She is very unhappy, upset, distraught, wondering why. He is happy as can be.

Men are happy providing their basic needs are met. Give him some food and bump uglies with him and he's happy as a pig in slop. What more does a man need???

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
She has contemplated leaving him. If she were to up and leave, he would be so blindsided!

If you have this unquestionable proof ---- WHO CARES???

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
She can not confront him about this relationship because she knows he would only hide it better and she would continue to wonder, worry, and fret and not trust and always be suspicious. That is no way to live!

I agree.

RedneckWoman":3lkrcdn9 said:
What advise would you give this woman?

Be bold and be beautiful. Give him a 5 gallon bucket of sand for Christmas with the instructions on where to pound it. I don't mean to be rough with you, but you need to really think about things and know from whence you speak.

Any questions?
 
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RedneckWoman

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Thank you CKC and ShowTime! Ill take ya up on that skillet! :lol2:

I agree with you John250. But. Youd have to see the communications to understand the intensity of their flirting! Theres no doubt that if he knew I know what they have talked about, he would be horribly embarrassed and shamed! Its not just a friendly helpful gentleman as you describe yourself.

grannyso,
twice
YES, I have unquestionable proof of conversations!!
YES, they share life stories. They have sexual inuindos ALL over the 20+ conversations everyday! They do not talk about me, even though she knows about me. He completely ignores my existance with her and even takes credit for things I do, to her.
And thank you for speaking bluntly. I know Ive only explained a peice of the story so its harder for you to truely understand it all.

THANK YOU! I truely mean it.
 

hillsdown

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When you are married or in a committed relationship it is perfectly normal to have close friendships with the opposite sex. It is also very common/normal for people to be on online chatrooms or forums where they visit and discuss things..

BUT it is wrong when it is hidden from the spouse ...I don't care who you are or how innocent you say the "relationship" is if you are hiding it then you know what you are doing is WRONG...I have male friends but they have also become my husbands friends now.

It is just a matter of time before he will take the relationship to the next level and yes it happens all the time whether you have a ring on your finger or not and men and women are equally guilty. This guy is a piece of crap because he doesn't have any respect for you and proves it every minute he is "chatting" to her and hiding their relationship, and a ring or a vow in front of God won't make a bit of difference.

Dump his sorry @ss, and learn from your mistakes or you will end up with another useless piece of crap.

FWIW I would have all my things packed and ready to and if there are any disputes over property etc. that you own together; you had better get everything in order, even get a copy of everything that is on his computer..

BTW did he buy all new underwear yet and is paying more attention to his overall appearance than ever before???

God luck and don't back down from your decision to leave..40 is still young and you have got a brand new life ahead of you.
 

dun

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Good grief. It is possible for people of opposite sex to be friends. Doesn;t have to be anything other then that necesarrily. One of my dearest friends happens to be a woman. Haven;t seen her now in years since we moved to MO, but we still stay in touch regularly, more then I do any of my family.
Jealousy is a green eyed monster
 

Angus Cowman

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john250":32ggucil said:
OK, here goes. My take on this is different.
Don't most women have emotional attachments to men who aren't relatives? The women I know have such attachments. Maybe they are exceptions, but I think they are the majority.
I have attachments to a number of women, gals I would do most anything to help them out in a bind, and they just have to accept each other. This is not a harem, just neighbors and friends. A spouse would have to accept all of them. I wouldn't talk much to a spouse or significant other about these women, because no woman wants to spend time with a man talking about other women.
Someone did a study (your tax dollars at work) and concluded that men are most fearful that their woman is actually physically cheating. Women, on the other hand, are most fearful that he has an emotional attachment to another woman. In other words, one night with a prostitute would not trouble a woman as much as a platonic friendship with her best friend.
I find most of the women I've approached since my divorce are freaked by the fact I get along with the ex. We had a child to raise, and after the initial anger neither of us saw any sense in fighting. We aren't ever getting back together--and she would tell you the same--but we have civil talk about important things and I respect her.
I summation, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill unless you find airline tickets on the Visa or some such evidence that he really intends to interview this other woman.
I have one of these friends like you mentioned The first wife always accused us of having an affair the 2nd wife Loves her and vice versa,We have known each other since we were kids we talk weekly her kids call me uncle and I would do absolutely anything for her and she is the same with me, There has never been anything sexual we are just great friends the kind you only find once in a lifetime. we have raised our kids together, been thru divorces together and everything else heck she even told me if I didn't marry my 2nd wife she was going to,She said my 2nd wife was the best thing that had ever happened to either of us so guys can have Girl friends and girls can have guy friends but most people don't understand the boundaries on a relationship like this

From what has been said I think he is having an affair it maybe a cyber affair but if he is having that kind now how long will it be before it is a physical affair with someone local
 

Jogeephus

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RedneckWoman":1v7rf1v7 said:
I have wondered what could be missing in the relationship, what am I doing wrong, what am I not providing him that he "needs" more. You wouldnt believe ALL that I do for this man. I am a hard worker, I never sit still, am always helping and doing. Apparently that isnt enough.
We talk alot and never argue, neither of us are confrontational.
This has been consuming me for many months, you are right, it is not healthy for me and I need to do something or else.
I still feel as if this isnt enough to leave him for, I dont understand my feelings on this point. .

Don't you dare start beating yourself up and asking yourself what's wrong with you or what you did wrong. That is a cross they none of us should have to carry. His happiness is not your responsibility nor yours his. I would confront him about this and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. I would do it without anger. I would then watch his response. If his response is denial or filled with lies - you have your answer of what to do. If he is truly sorry and dimwhitted enough not to have realized the hurt he caused you - then he can make ammends and your heart will know if they are true or merely guilt offerings. If the trust is irrevovcably broken, I can assure you life isn't worth living under these conditions. Good luck.
 
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RedneckWoman

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Jog, Whoooa, that is deep! wow, yeah. Thank you for this! Somehow, these words hit me like a frozen turd. THANK YOU!

Dun, this is WAY more than a friendship. And its WAY more than adolescent jealousy! Its worse than casual chit chat a couple times a day. It is worse than two playing footsies under a table.

hillsdown, thank you for the advice!

Everyone, really, thanks. Its completely astounding to hear ALL you say this. I am floored really.

Jogeephus":a5fl1dkd said:
Don't you dare start beating yourself up and asking yourself what's wrong with you or what you did wrong. That is a cross they none of us should have to carry. His happiness is not your responsibility nor yours his. I would confront him about this and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. I would do it without anger. I would then watch his response. If his response is denial or filled with lies - you have your answer of what to do. If he is truly sorry and dimwhitted enough not to have realized the hurt he caused you - then he can make ammends and your heart will know if they are true or merely guilt offerings. If the trust is irrevovcably broken, I can assure you life isn't worth living under these conditions. Good luck.
 

Nesikep

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pdfangus":url4hflk said:
give me a break please......
this post is bound to be a total joke....
this is a cattle board not a counseling service.
"redneck woman" from the "south" with six, yep six whole posts, asking her bestest friends in the whole wide world for hep with a cheating man.


This is the "everything else board".. nothing wrong with posting this here!


pdfangus":url4hflk said:
the guys perspective is why buy a cow when you have milk and cream....
That goes both ways... she gets the sausage without buying the pig


I don't see the point in staying with this guy... I had a roommate who couldn't keep his hammer in his shed.. met a girl he really liked, and screwed that up.. more than once... it actually became so predictable that I'd tell the girl to watch her heart... and they never believed me, which is just as well, but I was always right.. I am also of the opinion that people DON'T CHANGE, so with this guy's track record, well, it doesn't show much hope...


the last point for leaving is that the trust is gone.. from what you're telling us, it's a nagging that you can't get rid of, it doesn't matter if the guy sobs and crys and begs and promises and vows to be a good boy, the last word is you've lost your trust in him, and it won't come back, you'll always remember this, and you'll just never be happy


As for me, I used to have a bad habit of trying to keep couples together... I don't anymore except for a few rare cases, and even in those, I'll do it once, and then advise to get out of dodge. I think I've developed a pretty keen eye for the endless cycles that shoddy relationships go through.

Take care!
 

dun

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Nesikep":2p23pkqj said:
I used to have a bad habit of trying to keep couples together...

I did it once 35 years agoo. Once was enough for me to learn that lesson
 

Nesikep

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hence why I called it a bad habit.. it worked for a certain time, both people were happy, but then the issues always came up again...

I have NEVER advised any couples to stay together while one is cheating though.. it was only when there were arguments that were petty, childish, or unrealistic demands
 

Toby L.

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What do you mean by saying your from the south? Is it south canada or the u.s. ? The reason I'm asking is because we have a few of us on the board from minnesota, and are looking at relocating, at least till the weather warms up a bit :D There are some posts on the coffe shop board about this.
 

Lammie

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Toby L.":2650jnkk said:
What do you mean by saying your from the south? Is it south canada or the u.s. ? The reason I'm asking is because we have a few of us on the board from minnesota, and are looking at relocating, at least till the weather warms up a bit :D There are some posts on the coffe shop board about this.

Toby, it is in the fifties here right now. Sunny and dry and very pleasant. Swimsuit weather for you crazy folks from Up Nort.
 

Alice

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grannysoo":2yvaqab9 said:
Nesikep":2yvaqab9 said:
That goes both ways... she gets the sausage without buying the pig

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

Nesikep":2yvaqab9 said:
I had a roommate who couldn't keep his hammer in his shed..

Again, :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

Alice
 

Nesikep

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it's all about the euphemisms... for a good list, listen to some george carlin.. may he rest in peace, he made me laugh many times
 

grannysoo

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Nesikep":1o2kv3ad said:
it's all about the euphemisms... for a good list, listen to some george carlin.. may he rest in peace, he made me laugh many times

Once you got past his profanity, you realize that he was brilliant...
 

Victoria

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OK, I know you have heard this in pretty much every other post but I am hoping that the more you read it the more you will get it.

So, you have a guy who didn't commit to you (marriage) and now you are surprised that he isn't committed to you (cheating). Of course, you also state that he has been married before more than once so perhaps that means nothing to him - you also say you are not 100% sure why his other marriages failed. Why not??? My husband wasn't married before he met me but if he had been I'd want to know what caused the divorce. If it were another woman that would be a pretty clear sign that he should be kept away from unless he found Jesus and completely changed after that.

Do NOT beat yourself up, do you know the one thing you did wrong? You valued yourself so little that you did not insist on a man who would marry you and love you. Correct that now. Leave him.

I don't know your relationship - you may in fact be the worst woman in the world to live with. That still does not excuse his cheating.

The fact that you believe that bringing this up with him will just make him hide it better says everything about your relationship. If you thought he actually cared about you then you would bring it up and expect him to stop his "harmless" flirting. You know better though, you know it isn't harmless and you know it won't stop.

With him out of your life start looking at why you let yourself be treated this way. For most women it's self-esteem. They figure they should have had worked harder, had sex more often, had a smaller butt, cleaned more, cooked more, smiled more, complained less blah, blah, blah. They are so busy pointing fingers at themselves that they don't see the obvious answer - that the guy is a jerk.

As I said before I don't know who you are or what your relationship is. Maybe there are some things you need to work on in yourself to be a better woman but do that after you dump this guy. AND most importantly realize his cheating is his flaw - not yours.
 

novatech

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RedneckWoman":1bjt7npc said:
Thinking about that thread "does there have to be a reason".
The situation is, a lady, never been married, ~40 years old.
Man, been married more than once.
They are in a "forever" relationship without the marriage commitment. (no children only animals)
She KNOWS the man is "emotionally involved" with another woman for many months. No sex, but definate flirting! HE doesnt know SHE knows about the relationship. She is very unhappy, upset, distraught, wondering why. He is happy as can be. She has contemplated leaving him. If she were to up and leave, he would be so blindsided! She can not confront him about this relationship because she knows he would only hide it better and she would continue to wonder, worry, and fret and not trust and always be suspicious. That is no way to live!

What advise would you give this woman?
Just tell her to quit playing mind games and go talk to the guy. Work it out or get out.
Two problems. She is 40 never been married, wonder why? He's been married more than once, wonder why?

It always amazed me how women think men that flirt are what ever but never seem to walk away when some man flirts with them and certainly will never admit liking it.
:lol2:
 

skyline

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Leave. Find a guy that respects you and is ready and willing to live within a marriage covenant.
 
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