Tales of Tennessee

[flaboy?]

A Tennessee redneck passed away and left his entire estate
in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

Folks in Tennessee now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

In Tennessee, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There's
dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Tennesssee burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.

A Tennesssee State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" Bubba said, " 'Bout what?"

 

[warpaint]

Now cut that out!

I've always heard this as a Florida joke. :lol:

 

[flaboy?]

 

[MikeC]

SIGNS YOU'RE AT A WEDDING IN TENNESSEE



* The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters.

* Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"

* Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts.

* Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!"

* Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and performed by Boxcar Willie.

* When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married..." some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

* Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood lately, Earl?"

* Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages (smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own moonshine.

* Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show.

* The sign in front of the church reads: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

 

[Bullbuyer]

Mike - I was wondering, what do they do for a bachelor / bachelorette party in Tennessee?

 

[MikeC]

Mike - I was wondering, what do they do for a bachelor / bachelorette party in Tennessee?

They must be very imaginative at whatever they do and it must be loads of fun.

Don't most of them spend that night in the "CrossBar Hotel"? :lol:

I will never forget the time I saw the words "Kindergarten" and "Strip Club" on the same sign in Knoxville. :shock:

 

[Bullbuyer]

I'd say most of the night and a good portion of the next day. Likely, they are waiting on "Pappy" to raise their bail money! Some of them women of Crowder's, I'd just as soon stay in jail as to have to look at her and say "I do"....

 

[MikeC]

I'd say most of the night and a good portion of the next day. Likely, they are waiting on "Pappy" to raise their bail money! Some of them women of Crowder's, I'd just as soon stay in jail as to have to look at her and say "I do"....

"I heard that"! :lol:

 

[Crowderfarms]

I've been busier than a cat coverin' be nice, but sometime this evening I'll fix all of your Wagons, with this Tennessee stick pokin'... :shock:

Just did not want ya'll to think I was lettin' any of you git away with it!!!

 

[MikeC]

STATE OF TENNESSEE RESIDENCY APPLICATION





Name: ________________ (Last)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:

(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

 

[flaboy?]

Oh, look what I started. :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Bullbuyer]

That application just ain't right - why would Tennessee people subscribe to magazines?
Oh - sorry - must be to look at all the purty pictures.

 

[MikeC]

That application just ain't right - why would Tennessee people subscribe to magazines?
Oh - sorry - must be to look at all the purty pictures.

I was wondering why anyone would apply for residency in Tn. to start with? :lol:

Look what you started FlaBoy.

 

[Bullbuyer]

That application just ain't right - why would Tennessee people subscribe to magazines?
Oh - sorry - must be to look at all the purty pictures.

I was wondering why anyone would apply for residency in Tn. to start with? :lol:

Look what you started FlaBoy.

Once again - the $64,000 question. I guess the only reason would be best answered by the old phrase:
"Tennessee - where the men are men and the sheep are nervous."

 

[MikeC]

What do you call a genius in Tennessee?







Give up?












You sure?







A genius in Tn. is called a...............................




Visitor! :lol:

 

[ALACOWMAN]

Crowder that little post I just made about alabama was intended to get some alabama folks riled. Hope it works Granted it wasnt much but it was a little bit of a retaliatory strike.

i agree it was'nt much gett'n riled up would be ok. just make it funny. this is identical of the imature way ttclm would react. im convinced now.. your him

 

[*Cowgirl*]

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.

The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?"

The guy says, "Nah."

To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"

The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

[*Cowgirl*]

Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!"

His Paw replied "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"

The next day he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!"

His Paw replied, "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"

The next day, he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that's cuz Ah'm from Bama, huh Paw?"

His Paw replied, "No son, that's cuz yer 17 years old."

 

[Crowderfarms]

That application just ain't right - why would Tennessee people subscribe to magazines?
Oh - sorry - must be to look at all the purty pictures.

I was wondering why anyone would apply for residency in Tn. to start with? :lol:

Look what you started FlaBoy.

Once again - the $64,000 question. I guess the only reason would be best answered by the old phrase:
"Tennessee - where the men are men and the sheep are nervous."

Bullbiter, All's I can say is the last time I was in W.Virginia, I saw some of the strangest folks I ever seen. They all looked liked they was auditioning for "extras" in a remake of "Deliverance". I bet you aint no different!! Was'
nt you in that "wrong turn" movie?

 

[RedneckWoman]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from Alabama, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Alabama contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700:
$300 for materials,
$300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."

The Florida contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Florida contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.