Relationships with fathers

[Lammie]

I started thinking too. My real issue is with my father-in-law. He never misses the chance to say something nasty to me about how I broke up his family. All because my husband was living with him in Oklahoma when we met and moved back down here to get married. I get to where I really dread seeing him because I know he'll work something in and I will look like the bad person if I say anything to him about it.

For what it is worth, I am willing to move to Oklahoma. I just wanted my older son to finish school in Texas because all his friends were here. I have family in the same county where he lives. I think the land is lovely and the people are great. I just don't know if I can continue to put up with his remarks without saying anything back. I have held back out of respect.

I am at a loss. I have done nothing to that old man. He broke up his own family by estranging himself from his sons years ago. He continues to embarrass himself in the community where he grew up by living with a woman young enough to be his daughter after years of fooling around on his wife before she divorced him after 25 years of marriage. He lives in a junk pile of a house surrounded by crap he's hauled in from the dump. He's gotten dirty. He chain smokes. His girlfriend's whole family lives up there at times. He's an educated man. I don't know why he chooses to live like he does. I want no part in it, but he's the father of the one I love.

He's coming over here tomorrow. I dread it. I want him to like me. I have never been anything but polite to him. I don't know what I'll do. If I say anything to him, I'll be the bad one. If I don't, then he'll think it is okay to treat me like garbage. My husband says that's just the way his dad is and he doesn't pay attention to him.

I just have to keep my mouth shut.

 

[flaboy?]

I guess there are all kinds of dads out there. I was the second of two boys. The first walked on water. I was the grunt and never allowed to fix anything, drive anything, or help with anything as long as #1 was around. I guess I was considered odd because I thought differently than they did. Sadly some years ago by brother passed.

My dad soon came to realize that I could do it all also. He often asked me "where did you learn how do that?", or "I didn't know you could do that". Seems he was so busy with #1 that he didn't know what I could do other than provide muscle.

Today, he asks me for advice on just about everything. He sometimes gets on my nerves for breaking the equipment all the time but I never say a word. I just fix it and move on. At 84 it seems we have reversed roles. I fix what he breaks instead of the other way around.

I don't hold the early years against him. It's life and you just have deal with whatever is served to you.

Give your folks a hug. They will appreciate it more than you know.

 

[Bez>]

I started thinking too. My real issue is with my father-in-law. He never misses the chance to say something nasty to me about how I broke up his family. All because my husband was living with him in Oklahoma when we met and moved back down here to get married. I get to where I really dread seeing him because I know he'll work something in and I will look like the bad person if I say anything to him about it. .........

I just have to keep my mouth shut.

Lammie - it is like this.

You did not break up the family - your husband decided to marry you.

I would look the old fart in the eye and tell him he is welcome if he keeps his mouth shut, or addresses the problem to his son and leaves you out of it.

Otherwise - there is the door - do not let it hit you in the asss on the way out.

And stay out until you grow up. You are welcome here anytime you decide to mind your manners.

If hubby does not back you on this I have probs with him.

I will pass no more advice and will stay off this thread now. But there comes a time when the family has to realize the kids are adults.

This is one of them.

Your home - YOUR CASTLE - you make the rules.

Best thoughts,

Bez>

 

[Alice]

My daddy was the best. He was no Ward Cleaver, but then who is? He died in 1982...at the age of 65 when I was not quite 30 years old...about 4 years after my mother died.

I miss them terribly to this day.

Alice

 

[bigbull338]

My daddy was the best. He was no Ward Cleaver, but then who is? He died in 1982...at the age of 65 when I was not quite 30 years old...about 4 years after my mother died.

I miss them terribly to this day.

Alice

oh boy all these rough tough an gruff dads.my dad was the same way.if i did something wrong man id hear about it.an when he showed me something it was usually just once.an if i didnt pick it up fast enough id hear about it.but he was always fair about things.an he never would tell you how he felt either.he died 16yrs ago.an i sometimes wonder if he was here how bad we would lock horns on things.im pretty stubborn an bullheaded an i rarely if ever back up if my mind is set.

 

[Alice]

Lammie,

As with many people and situations...sometimes you must simply consider the source...

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a disagreeable source.

Alice

 

[backhoeboogie]

Lammie,

As with many people and situations...sometimes you must simply consider the source...

Alice

Yep. FIL should take a look at Lammie. It is inherently obvious why son made choice he made. Very good lady on top of that.

 

[Wewild]

He's coming over here tomorrow. I dread it. I want him to like me. I have never been anything but polite to him. I don't know what I'll do. If I say anything to him, I'll be the bad one. If I don't, then he'll think it is okay to treat me like garbage. My husband says that's just the way his dad is and he doesn't pay attention to him.

I just have to keep my mouth shut.

Kinda rings familiar. Standup for yourself but don't be disrectfull. Don't get to his level and don't let him rattle you. Try to counter him when it's just you and him present.

You are right you can change this by not letting him treat you like garabage.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Ryder]

He's coming over here tomorrow. I dread it. I want him to like me. I have never been anything but polite to him. I don't know what I'll do. If I say anything to him, I'll be the bad one. If I don't, then he'll think it is okay to treat me like garbage. My husband says that's just the way his dad is and he doesn't pay attention to him.

I just have to keep my mouth shut.

My mother in law and I are not the most compatible pair either. She has little to no respect for me like she should, I mean with me being a, if not THE, leading wampuscat expert and all. I have found the best thing is to just "keep my distance." I don't go there unless there is a real reason and she has no reason to come here.

My wife goes there to see about her and to do her shopping and to take her where she needs to go. I encourage this as that is her mother and I want her to see to her. But I just stay out of it as much as possible. We gave her a new TV for Christmas and I went to take it over as my wife can't physically carry in a TV. She wanted to know who I was. It had been that long since she had seen me.
This may not work for you because of geographical distances.

I will add, he will probably never change toward you because as things stand he has no reason to change. You are the one bothered by this. Apparently he is not. You are caught on the hook and being a sweet little daughter in law to keep the peace is not going to change anything.

Of course his attitude "may" change if the time ever comes where he will really neeed you. But we can't live our lives waiting around for things like that to maybe happen.

 

[Caustic Burno]

After reading this I must have been the luckiest guy on earth growing up in the good Christian home I lived in. Mom and Dad were a team they were not yor friend until I was grown they were parents that took there job serious. They backed each other on ever issue.
Sometimes I think a lot people forget the parenting job is not about friendship, it about making the best decision for the child whether they like it or not.

 

[Herefordcross]

When I was 18 I had the dumbest father on earth.

At 21 he had attained a whole bunch of smarts.

At 25 he was near genius.

Aint that the truth!!!

I tell people that most of us knew the most the day we got out of school and that was a few years ago for me and every day I must have gotten dumber!

 

[Lammie]

Thanks for the support everyone. Didn't mean to dump. I have had roofers on top of the house since six this morning, I have two kids here that aren't related to me, (sons both have friends over), and I am still expecting "the visit". Everything will be fine. Husband told me that if he says anything out of line, he'll call him on it right then.

 

[GMN]

you get reminded of every mistake you ever made since being born backwards.

Edit this>blamed and everything it sounds like I am talking with marbles in my mouth.
You would think it would be your Mother who would be hard on you.Unless your Father was blemed for verything painful in the childbearing days. ;-)

But to answer that I think alot of father son/daughter relationships are strained.Just about 90% of my friends say it is their Mother that is the glue that keeps everyone together Dad's and siblings ;Mom keeps them interacting and still in touch.

I used to thing my Dad was one of the smartest guys on earth and we did alot of cool things together he even coached my baseball team two years in a row and we became district champs.He was self employeed and he sacraficed alot to make time for us practices and games.

Then as I get older and am doing things and learning things that he knows not even the remotest thing about he still tries to interfere and tell me what to do.But I am not 12 anymore and have a family I my own so sometimes instead of taking the high road things get pretty heated.I wish I could just ignore it and walk away it's pretty sad when you despise your own Father sometimes.I guess maybe we all should be the bigger person and leave sleeping dogs lie after all you will not always have your parents around.

I don't think you despise your own father, this stuff happens all the time, part of life. I think now you should try to maintain a good relationship with him no matter what, because, like you say someday he will be gone, and you wouldn't want to think back and have regrets.

GMN

 

[rkm]

This has been a very good thread. I was interested that Bez said "His father gave up booze and found his family". I guess There is always hope. We should all swallow our pride and try to have a better relationship with children, parents, bro, or sister.

40 years ago my sister divorced her husband and their two girl chose to stay with their dad. She never tried to mend fences. So she hasn't spoken to them in over 40 years. Now she is 79 living in a nursing home, lonely, and bitter. Her grand children have never got a chance to know their grandmother. All because of pride.

 

[GMN]

This has been a very good thread. I was interested that Bez said "His father gave up booze and found his family". I guess There is always hope. We should all swallow our pride and try to have a better relationship with children, parents, bro, or sister.

40 years ago my sister divorced her husband and their two girl chose to stay with their dad. She never tried to mend fences. So she hasn't spoken to them in over 40 years. Now she is 79 living in a nursing home, lonely, and bitter. Her grand children have never got a chance to know their grandmother. All because of pride.

That is kind of sad, but I can't imagine how any mother could leave the kids behind, and never speak to them again, maybe there is a good reason she is alone.

GMN

 

[rkm]

GMN, At first it was't all her fault, but you have to keep on trying.

 

[Syd Sydney]

Cowboyup 216 do you feel better now that you have vented?Sometimes it helps just do get it out of your system especially to strangers.I hope things are better for you today.Not going to comment on your post as I think you just wanted to get it out and then move on.Hope your cows are all OK.
Syd

 

[Caustic Burno]

Yes my father still treats me like im a kid. He really teed me off yesterday. I had to work. I told him to wait until I got home so we could pen "My cows" up in the barn lot and leave them there overnight so that they could eat grass and get plenty of water to drink. I told him this way we could run them all through today and be done. However, being the smart guy that he is and thinking he knows everything he trys to get all the cows up by himself. He got 30 up by himself and 11 he couldnt get up. So instead of waiting for me to help get the rest up he ignorantly starts working my cows. In the mean time he got them so riled up 2 jumped a corral panel and took off for the back pasture. I got home yesterday changed clothes and headed out to the farm and when I arrived it was utter chaos. HE stupidly had my brother try and help him round up cattle not only is my brother a greenhorn when it comes to cattle he is a perfect stranger and the cattle spook when they see him. Now I cant get the rest of the cows up. He and I nearly came to blows this morning and yesterday. If he wasnt my dad hed be in the hospital right now for his stupidity. Thank god noone was hurt and none of the cattle were injured. Dad or not if he cost me a cow he would pay me for it or I would take him to court. It may sound low down and dirty to do this but I want to make money off these cows and if he is costing me money he should be the one to have to repay me. So then he says he was going to take back a heifer he sold me and sale her if i didnt like the way he had done things. So I pulled out the written agreement we had where he had signed her over to me and her reg papers bearing me as the owner. I advised him if he laid one hand on that calf I would call the sheriff and have him arrested for cattle theft. That is when he nearly hit me. I told him to go ahead and I would add assault to it as well. I hate talking that way to a 60 year old man but he had me really teed off. DAD really irritates me ALOT! HE is arrogant and apparently didnt get beaten enough by his mother and father as a child.

You sound like a spoiled brat in this post IMO. There is not one cow up to and including the whole herd worth this.
I bet your like 3/4 of the kids in East Texas build there house on Daddy's land and run your cows in Dumb ole Daddy's pasture.

 

[chrisy]

cowboyup216, you sound a bit bitter in your last comment, about your Daddy not getting enough punishment off of his parents. Did he give you grief in your younger years? as even thoughts about him in that way are disrespectful. and to be glad a cow kicked him, that's just sad. If any animal has hurt my Daddy I would have wanted to punish it in some way. Not sure how you would do that with a Cow. but that's just IMO

 

[Syd Sydney]

CB and Chris you don't get the post.Cowboy was really frustrated and instead of taking it out on his dad or anyone else he posted it in this thread;just to kinda vent and get it said.And like he said today they moved on and got everything done.I don't know what kind of cookie cutter lives everyone else lives in but when you care about things and put alot of work and energy into it sometimes situations get heated.I think it's good to have a place like the forum to get stuff out it's almost theraputic.
Syd