I've about had it

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Sure hate to hear that. It definitely doesn't sound like a good situation. Hope it works out for you.

I went through some thing simular at one point. My family did so much together that there were not very good boundaries. It never came to blows but was real close on multiple occasions. Me going out on my own and doing my own thing helped form boundaries. For several years I did nothing with them.

Now, I do help with certain things at their request because they need the help as they get up in age. My dad helps me with some of my business stuff, also. We treat it like business though. You negotiate the deal ahead of time and you get paid for your work like any one else. A lot of people will say that's not right but it has really helped our relationship and maintaining healthy boundaries. There are no carrots dangled, no strings attached, no "I owe you's" and no scorecards.

Not sure if it will help you but maybe over time if things heal it could be an alternative option.
 
Brute 23 said:
Sure hate to hear that. It definitely doesn't sound like a good situation. Hope it works out for you.

I went through some thing simular at one point. My family did so much together that there were not very good boundaries. It never came to blows but was real close on multiple occasions. Me going out on my own and doing my own thing helped form boundaries. For several years I did nothing with them.

Now, I do help with certain things at their request because they need the help as they get up in age. My dad helps me with some of my business stuff, also. We treat it like business though. You negotiate the deal ahead of time and you get paid for your work like any one else. A lot of people will say that's not right but it has really helped our relationship and maintaining healthy boundaries. There are no carrots dangled, no strings attached, no "I owe you's" and no scorecards.

Not sure if it will help you but maybe over time if things heal it could be an alternative option.
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I've been out on my own, spent a bunch of years at crappy jobs, then was at a pretty good place and decided to come back here.
This isn't going to be a speedy exit, but how the relations are after, I'm not sure at this point
 
It sounds like a bit of a mess Nesi, I'm very sorry to hear this. I think for your own sanity you gotta go. I wouldn't be too worried about selling up the stuff. Whatever you can cash in easily, yes but I would just walk away from the rest and make a new start. I know people that have lost everything late in life, a lot older than you and have made a new start and done pretty well, just gotta keep a positive attitude. You are a very smart guy and I am sure that you can do well. My thoughts are with you Nesi.

Ken
 
Feel for you, i have a story with similar aspects to yours, especially the friends part, but no where near the suffering you have endured. You seem to be in a very toxic situation. Keep your cards close to your chest, that way you're not committed to one direction or another. Get your favourite bull collected and favourite cow flushed, put your herd in a can and one day you can crank up again should the opportunity arrise.
 
Nesi, I know how much you love your cattle, but you're doing the right thing. Time to take care of yourself. You're smart, your input on CT (and FB;)) is valued, you're a hard worker, caring, moral . . . . the list goes on. For what it's worth, you have my (virtual) support - and a hug.
 
I use to hire my nephews to work for me whenever I could. Generally things went well but I always ended up getting on to them about being late, not listening, tearing stuff up, or something. After a few years I told the wife I wasn't going to hire them anymore because it was making our non working relationship to hard. Well I thought the family was gonna disown me for awhile but in the end things are much better for everyone. You never know Nesi it might make things better if you leave and just help the old man out when you go to visit.
 
are you an only child? is your mother in the picture? just askin because you may have some legal rights somewhat to the place. IDK just sayin. Good luck
 
Nesikep, I have been reading this from your first post here in 2017. I feel so bad for you.
I had a bad relationship with my father (I am an only child, his daughter) and someone suggested I read this book, "How to Hug a Porcupine." It helped me immensely, so much so that when my dad, who I hadn't spoken to for 2 years, called and asked me to come because of his health deteriorating; I was able to go. I learned from the book that I had to set boundaries. We got along fine after I told him, "I'll come, dad, as long as I am treated well. When I am not, I will leave." We got along fine after that, and I have no regrets. He thought I would take what he dished out in order to get what he had. I did not do that, I walked away. You can only take so much of a toxic relationship. I can tell you tried.

The book points out that you can never run fast enough, jump high enough etc. to please them. Just about the time you think you have their approval they jerk it away. Gist of the book, "the only thing you can do is remove THEIR POWER". In order to do that, you have to leave.

This book has helped so many people, I hope regardless of what happens, you have an opportunity to read it.

You truly will be fine; probably more fine than you have been since you came back to the farm. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it. So sorry that you were in such a toxic relationship. You deserved better.
 
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Nesikep I left home at 18. Never moved back. Struggled for a lot of years but finally hit the groove. Used a lot of what the old man taught me. Went back to help him out every time he needed help or got in a pinch. We got closer.

Lost him in '93 and it was hard. We had our struggles back in the 70's. Things sure were different when I did not depend of him for anything.
 
faster horses said:
Nesikep, I have been reading this from your first post here in 2017. I feel so bad for you.
I had a bad relationship with my father (I am an only child, his daughter) and someone suggested I read this book, "How to Hug a Porcupine." It helped me immensely, so much so that when my dad, who I hadn't spoken to for 2 years, called and asked me to come because of his health deteriorating; I was able to go. I learned from the book that I had to set boundaries. We got along fine after I told him, "I'll come, dad, as long as I am treated well. When I am not, I will leave." We got along fine after that, and I have no regrets. He thought I would take what he dished out in order to get what he had. I did not do that, I walked away. You can only take so much of a toxic relationship. I can tell you tried.

The book points out that you can never run fast enough, jump high enough etc. to please them. Just about the time you think you have their approval they jerk it away. Gist of the book, "the only thing you can do is remove THEIR POWER". In order to do that, you have to leave.

This book has helped so many people, I hope regardless of what happens, you have an opportunity to read it.

You truly will be fine; probably more fine than you have been since you came back to the farm. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it. So sorry that you were in such a toxic relationship. You deserved better.

BTW, I am sending you a PM.
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Nesi is a smart guy, I'm sure he will take your advice and read that book FH. Sounds just what is needed.

Ken
 
Sure hate to hear that. Family is hard to work with sometimes.
I had a rocky relationship with my father too. As a young child I sought his attention and time, it didn't usually end well and I tried less and less. He was an alcoholic, but he always held down good jobs and was talented to build, weld, or mechanic. He was very verbally abusive towards my mother and I and usually that was as far as it went. To other people he was a good hearted man that would drop what he was doing to help anybody out. There would be times that something didn't set well with him and others would see a glimpse of that side of him too. Both my mother and I shut down and tried to go along to keep things diffused. There were several examples of him trying to be helpful and generous towards me, but due to the other stuff I couldn't feel it was genuine even though in the moments it probably was.
I could never suit him when I was doing any work with him. I heard a lot of times that I couldn't do anything and would never amount to anything.
His health had been slowly declining from emphysema for several years and he is passed away when I was 18. He had been in the hospital for over a month around a year before. My mother told me one time that he couldn't understand why I didn't come with her to visit him more often. I went to see him the next day. I always wanted to have a good relationship with him. After he passed 29 years ago its been a real journey of coming to terms with what was and what could have been. My wife tells me that if he had lived to know me as an adult that things may have been different between us in time. I like to think so, but part of me has always figured it would be a similar story to what you are going through now.
For what it's worth the best times that I had with him were when I was in my mid teens and we would go somewhere with some of his friends. He always said that my mother sent me along so they wouldn't do nothing as he called it. I learned from some good cattlemen during those outings. It helped if there was that third party there.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
If you need to talk things through, myself or I'm sure several others here are available.
 
Thing have gotten physical; Time to leave before round 2 happens, especially if weapons have already been involved. Line up something before you leave, but start the process asap. Time heals all wounds, but sounds like this situation has become FUBAR, and if you don't get out soon one of you will cross the line of no return.
 
Start the process and don't look back. He will try to con you with a carrot again to get the free labor. Get into conversation with Farm Credit and look into how much they will loan you if you put so much down payment-wise on another operation. Will they give you 300k if you put down 50k? Its going to be hard because you are over 40 now, won't qualify for young farmer loan and they usually want you to offer land collateral. Big banks with agricultural lending might be option too. Get a firm commitment from them and start farm shopping. Might not be able to stay in BC with the land values there. If you ever find a place to buy, sell everything other than the very favorite cows and the stock trailer. You can buy feed for a few cows and slowly start over.
 
Lazy M said:
Thing have gotten physical; Time to leave before round 2 happens, especially if weapons have already been involved. Line up something before you leave, but start the process asap. Time heals all wounds, but sounds like this situation has become FUBAR, and if you don't get out soon one of you will cross the line of no return.
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Yeah, that's the same conclusion I've come to, having never resorted to violence in my life it tells me my state of mind just ain't right here
Aaron said:
Start the process and don't look back. He will try to con you with a carrot again to get the free labor. Get into conversation with Farm Credit and look into how much they will loan you if you put so much down payment-wise on another operation. Will they give you 300k if you put down 50k? Its going to be hard because you are over 40 now, won't qualify for young farmer loan and they usually want you to offer land collateral. Big banks with agricultural lending might be option too. Get a firm commitment from them and start farm shopping. Might not be able to stay in BC with the land values there. If you ever find a place to buy, sell everything other than the very favorite cows and the stock trailer. You can buy feed for a few cows and slowly start over.
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Probably not going to look at owning much land, Not feeling the need to have a bigger cow herd,more fencing, etc and have to have off-farm work to support it.. lets say 10 acres and a couple cows for yard art is something I could still enjoy without it eating up all my time
Depending on where I end up, a decent shop in an area where people need affordable and perhaps creative equipment repairs, I have probably spent $20K on tools in the last bunch of years between welders,lathes, mills, etc
 
Nesikep said:
Yeah, that's the same conclusion I've come to, having never resorted to violence in my life it tells me my state of mind just ain't right here

Probably not going to look at owning much land, Not feeling the need to have a bigger cow herd,more fencing, etc and have to have off-farm work to support it.. lets say 10 acres and a couple cows for yard art is something I could still enjoy without it eating up all my time
Depending on where I end up, a decent shop in an area where people need affordable and perhaps creative equipment repairs, I have probably spent $20K on tools in the last bunch of years between welders,lathes, mills, etc
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Set up a shop making custom parts that aren't available anymore, you'll be well off in no time.
 

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