I've about had it

[Redgully]

Sure hate to hear that. Family is hard to work with sometimes.
I had a rocky relationship with my father too. As a young child I sought his attention and time, it didn't usually end well and I tried less and less. He was an alcoholic, but he always held down good jobs and was talented to build, weld, or mechanic. He was very verbally abusive towards my mother and I and usually that was as far as it went. To other people he was a good hearted man that would drop what he was doing to help anybody out. There would be times that something didn't set well with him and others would see a glimpse of that side of him too. Both my mother and I shut down and tried to go along to keep things diffused. There were several examples of him trying to be helpful and generous towards me, but due to the other stuff I couldn't feel it was genuine even though in the moments it probably was.
I could never suit him when I was doing any work with him. I heard a lot of times that I couldn't do anything and would never amount to anything.
His health had been slowly declining from emphysema for several years and he is passed away when I was 18. He had been in the hospital for over a month around a year before. My mother told me one time that he couldn't understand why I didn't come with her to visit him more often. I went to see him the next day. I always wanted to have a good relationship with him. After he passed 29 years ago its been a real journey of coming to terms with what was and what could have been. My wife tells me that if he had lived to know me as an adult that things may have been different between us in time. I like to think so, but part of me has always figured it would be a similar story to what you are going through now.
For what it's worth the best times that I had with him were when I was in my mid teens and we would go somewhere with some of his friends. He always said that my mother sent me along so they wouldn't do nothing as he called it. I learned from some good cattlemen during those outings. It helped if there was that third party there.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
If you need to talk things through, myself or I'm sure several others here are available.

Someone in my family, not my father, was such a prick to us yet if anyone needed anything he'd drop everything to help them. Everyone thinks he's the greatest guy. I have always struggled to understand that, feels like such an injustice. One thing i will say, it is an incentive to not turn out like that!

 

[Lee VanRoss]

Patience with clarity and purpose of thought for the good of all involved is your greatest ally at this point in your life.

I am quite sure you know how to contact someone who does not talk out of school.

 

[Nesikep]

Someone in my family, not my father, was such a prick to us yet if anyone needed anything he'd drop everything to help them. Everyone thinks he's the greatest guy. I have always struggled to understand that, feels like such an injustice. One thing i will say, it is an incentive to not turn out like that!

Yeah, I know that some people I may really like and have been good mentors to me may have been different to their kids or other people.. I've had A-hole bosses before and could deal with them because between the time I clock out and the time I clock in, what I did was none of their business

 

[WFfarm]

Nesi, sorry to hear what is going on with you. They say nothing will grow in toxic soil. You have skills and knowledge that will make you successful on your own. You also have more of a foundation now being older than you would have as a teenage striking out on you own. Life is to short not to live it where you will be happy. Constant stress will wear you down mentally and physically.

 

[faster horses]

Who authored "How to Hug a Porcupine" ? I find a couple with that title. One by John L. Lund ?

Yes, that is the one. Amazon has it. The one I have has John L. Lund on the front. Thanks for asking.

 

[sunnyblueskies]

Yeah, I know that some people I may really like and have been good mentors to me may have been different to their kids or other people

Nesi...... from one child of a german narcissist/macho to another.
It's not the financial side of it all that's going to do you in. It's the emotional and psychological aspect that's impossible to beat. Not to be a downer, but I lived that life, it didn't include a farm and all that stuff like your situation, but it was the same with the verbal abuse and control.
No lawyer or family mediation would be able to make things better. Get out and get the hell away from there, even if it breaks your heart to leave the land and the cows.

Life is far too short to be put down and in shackles. The psychological damage may never leave you and live in the back of your head for the rest of your life, but at least you will be free to live your life as you see fit.

 

[callmefence]

There's two sides to every story. You want your dad to respect you as a man it might help to carve out your own way like a man.
Sounds like you've already calculated his expected life span. Maybe he sees a buzzard sitting on a post waiting to pick his bones..

 

[Aaron]

Maybe he sees a buzzard sitting on a post waiting to pick his bones..

There is a buzzard waiting on everyone's post from the day you're born.

 

[BFE]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from a neighbor, concerning a family squabble he had with his sister. My old friend told her "If you can live with it, I can live without it."

 

[puzzled in oregon]

Sounds like a lot of us have dealt with this. And it is so true that what others may see in a person, is not how that person treats
their family members.

Your cows/calves impress me, I enjoy the pictures very much, looks like pretty country. But walk away, take with you what you can.
My experience has been that I didn't truly realize how miserable I was in a given situation, until I did walk away.

I worked at my last job for 20 years, when I left I told people I felt like I did 20 years in prison, and thought I was doing life without
parole. I realize that is a bit of an exaggeration since I have never been in prison, but I am able to smile everyday now.

Wish you the best

 

[alacowman1]

not having much of a social life or hobbies, outside of the farm at your age would drive any one mad ,but as you get older different story..I can definitely see you resentment ....but I couldn't stay ""if"" there's no other options..he's got too much control over you..id hate to walk away from a lifetime,that could be settled with the right words..

 

[Ferd]

Wow, I can't even imagine! My parents were pretty great. I also get along well with my 3 kids who are roughly your age. I'd say come by and I would trade help with you, but SE Illinois is pretty far away for that. I have said a prayer for you, God has listened to and answered a lot of those for me through the years.

 

[Nesikep]

Not much use talking to a brick wall .. depressed? Pull yourself up by your boot straps... Or better yet, your depression is your own fault
I did a LOT of research on the subject in the last few years and I'm pretty ashamed of my reactions years ago to some of my friends when they said they were depressed

 

[tex452]

that's dangerous.. it's either I lose (I wouldn't have much lost pride there), or I see red and can't stop myself once it starts.. Can't access CT from jail!

Your a smart man.
Don't do that.
Just move in if you have too.
I did and now I have 3 ranches for my 3 son's.
After we're gone let the fun begin.
Hopefully it won't be a war, and the lawyers don't get a hunk out of it.

 

[Lucky]

Is it possible to get another job and still live on the family farm? Too remote?

Almost everyone I know that works for their father and doesn't have anything going on their own or doesn't help to really expand the business has a hard time. I think the father always feels like he earned all of this and you just work here. Which from an employers stand point is understandable. If my son or grandkids wanted to join in on the ranch or business I would definitely welcome them onboard but they would be expetced to add value by expansion, at least at this point in my life. When I'm 70 and can't manage as much things will be different for sure. At that point I can imagine turning it over and me being the hired hand. Working with family is always hard

 

[Little Joe]

Working with family and dealing with family money and inheritances is a tricky deal. My dad is nothing like yours, but he does like to criticize how I do things and wants to control what and how it's done. I've always been a very strong willed, non-submissive person so he doesn't push it too far but I do believe if I was more submissive he would tell me how to do everything. He got it from my Grandma who in some ways was responsible for my parents divorce because of the control she had over my dad and his submissiveness to her. They don't see a problem with everyone being in everyone elses business, because of my personality they never pushed me too much, but they do think the problem is me and not them wanting to be in everyone else's business. They blame my papaw and my mom for the way I am because they didn't like being told what to do either. I've learned over the years that inheriting family money or assets opens the door for control, most don't realize that they are even doing it. My son is now grown and I try not to have a business, working type relationship with him because I can see myself as controlling and a critic as well so I just try to avoid that with him. I help him if he asks and I give him advice, but I try to mind my own business and let he and his wife figure things out. I'm trying to break the cycle of control and being in their business although it is hard after having grown up that way. Difference in me and my dad is I see my faults and try to void situations that make them worse. I'll be praying the Lord gives you clarity as to what you need to do and how to make a mend with your dad regardless of whether you stay or leave.

 

[hurleyjd]

Is it possible to get another job and still live on the family farm? Too remote?

Almost everyone I know that works for their father and doesn't have anything going on their own or doesn't help to really expand the business has a hard time. I think the father always feels like he earned all of this and you just work here. Which from an employers stand point is understandable. If my son or grandkids wanted to join in on the ranch or business I would definitely welcome them onboard but they would be expetced to add value by expansion, at least at this point in my life. When I'm 70 and can't manage as much things will be different for sure. At that point I can imagine turning it over and me being the hired hand. Working with family is always hard

70 is not old. Is your goal to just make 70 and sit down. There are people that are older than 70 and still manage their life and doing well.

 

[hurleyjd]

Remember Bez after an accident he lost the farm. He moved on last I heard he was exploring several opportunities that has occurred. Greybeard sold a farm that he put a lot of sweat and tears in and sold it and moved. Your father is never going to accept you. The farm is his. So sell everything that you can and move and start looking for something else. I am sure if Canada is anything like America then there are a lot of jobs available. That is Dear Abby advice from me.

 

[callmefence]

Is it possible to get another job and still live on the family farm? Too remote?

Almost everyone I know that works for their father and doesn't have anything going on their own or doesn't help to really expand the business has a hard time. I think the father always feels like he earned all of this and you just work here. Which from an employers stand point is understandable. If my son or grandkids wanted to join in on the ranch or business I would definitely welcome them onboard but they would be expetced to add value by expansion, at least at this point in my life. When I'm 70 and can't manage as much things will be different for sure. At that point I can imagine turning it over and me being the hired hand. Working with family is always hard

Me ,my son, my wife and daughter and law All work together every single day.
Along with 3-6 other employees and a pretty much full time subcontractor.
It's been years in the making and full of struggle and learning.
None family employees get a weekly check. Subcontractor gets paid by the job. My son and I are 51-49 partners.
We split everything including his mother's paycheck. She handles the office and phone. Dil works by the hour running errands and working on the fence crews. Me and the boy he's nesikep age) get a salary check every two weeks. After pay roll and monthly expenses we put the profit into a company account. We have a set amount we try not to get below in that account. Every quarter we take any money over that amount. After a meeting on any needs that to addressed is satisfied. We split what's left over as a quarterly bonus. Both of us are constantly on the lookout for deals on materials and equipment. And both have the authority to buy. Big stuff we will meet on This imo is fair and motivates everyone to be productive....
That's just how we do it. Our (me and son) houses are within sight on the same property. We both have our own shops Many days we never speak. We don't have to.

 

[Lucky]

Me ,my son, my wife and daughter and law All work together every single day.
Along with 3-6 other employees and a pretty much full time subcontractor.
It's been years in the making and full of struggle and learning.
None family employees get a weekly check. Subcontractor gets paid by the job. My son and I are 51-49 partners.
We split everything including his mother's paycheck. She handles the office and phone. Dil works by the hour running errands and working on the fence crews. Me and the boy he's nesikep age) get a salary check every two weeks. After pay roll and monthly expenses we put the profit into a company account. We have a set amount we try not to get below in that account. Every quarter we take any money over that amount. After a meeting on any needs that to addressed is satisfied. We split what's left over as a quarterly bonus. Both of us are constantly on the lookout for deals on materials and equipment. And both have the authority to buy. Big stuff we will meet on This imo is fair and motivates everyone to be productive....
That's just how we do it. Our (me and son) houses are within sight on the same property. We both have our own shops Many days we never speak. We don't have to.

That's the way it should be Fence. Sounds like you have a good handle on things. In fact I may pass this along to my nephew who is trying to become a partner in his Uncles fencing business. I do have a few questions though.

1. How do yall handle taking time off for vacations or personal things without one getting mad or feeling like he's getting less time off?

2. Is there ever any conflict over one working more or not pulling his weight when it comes to the manual labor part?

3. I hope everything has always worked smoothly between you and your son but in reading some of your post I sense yall had some struggles, just like most familys do. Did the working relationship just get better with age and grow into what yall have now or did yall have to have a talk and agree on the way things would be as describe above.

I know my nephew sees whats going on in his Uncles business and is scared he'll just be a glorified T post driver and left in the dark about things.

I had to take a step back from our business a few years back because of the back and forth between me and the wife on how things were going. It helped us out. I don't tell her how to run things, but if she ask for help I'm more than willing. In turn she never says anything about what I do or spend on the ranch. She'll help if I need it but I do wish she was more interested.

Dang feel like I hijacked Nesi's post there, didn't intend too