Daily Joke

[wildsawmill]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.. I had
just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'? "

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite
mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting,
real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me
and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

 

[wildsawmill]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

 

[wildsawmill]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
my mom sent this to me

 

[wildsawmill]

Sheriff's Deputy Job Application A man is applying to be a deputy for a Sheriff's Department in West Texas, and is being interviewed by a sergeant, who says, "Your qualifications look good, but we require that you pass an 'attitude suitability' test before you can be accepted".

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of cartridges across the desk, the sergeant says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six methamphetamine dealers, six Muslim extremists, six illegal aliens and a jackrabbit".

"A jackrabbit?" asks the applicant. "Why do you want me to shoot a jackrabbit?"

The sergeant smiles and says, "Congratulations! Go downstairs and get fitted for your uniform; your attitude is just fine

 

[slick4591]

 

[wildsawmill]

The Black Widow....

This spider, one of only a few poisonous spiders in the USA , can be found all over the states of Missouri , Arkansas , Kentucky , and Tennessee .
The spider releases a neurotoxin into the victim that, if not treated, can cause death!



The Black widow hooks-up with the male then sucks the very life out of him after mating!

She's very easy to spot...

The female has a very wide backside, is Black, and has a red hour glass shaped marking on her belly....

You can find this spider in:

*
*
Closets
*
*
Wood piles
*
*
Under beds
*
*
And soon......
*
*
THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!
mrs obama

 

[wildsawmill]

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them o ff and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

 

[wildsawmill]

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change ! The chicken wanted change !


JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.
This new platform is much more stable and it will never need to be
rebooted.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[wildsawmill]

Why should pirates work for FedEx?

They have the fastest ships in the shipping business.

 

[wildsawmill]

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded

that I take her out to some place expensive... ......... ...


So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

 

[wildsawmill]

What's the difference between a road killed snake and a road killed lawyer?

?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
The snake has skid marks in front of it!

 

[wildsawmill]

Red Skelton's -- Recipe for the perfect marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault, though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these? Those were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."

 

[wildsawmill]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.





Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.





One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..



In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped some how and there were twice as many there the next week





The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.





But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter





Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

[wildsawmill]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'
be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[wildsawmill]

A guy speeding over a hill ran over the easter bunny & smashed it flat
he is fretting over the loss when a Blonde lady pulls over jumps out of her car with a large aersol can & starts spraying every inch of the smashed rabbit . easter bunny jumps up & waves ,
hopped off about 10' & turns & waves,
hopped another 10' & turns & waves,
hopped another 10' & turns & waves'

guy says lady what is in that aersol can, she replys proudly haire restorer, garrented to put in a permenate wave

 

[Suzie Q]

News: A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

 

[slick4591]

 

[melking]

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

 

[Calman]

99 year old man in the doctor's office for a check up.
"Well how are you doing today?" asked the doc.
"I'm doing great and theres more,since my last check up I married a 20 year old gal and now she's pregnant." said the 99 year old man.
Doc says," Let me tell you a little story,there was this farmer who decided all at once to go down to his pond and kill a beaver that's been tearing up his pond.In his haste he mistakinly grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle as he ran out the door.
As soon as he got to the pond he spotted the beaver.Started to kill it and suddenly realized he had his umberalla instead of his rifle.
He then just pointed the umberella and said POW. And amazingly the beaver fell over dead."
The 99 year old man said," Now doc their aint no way,somebody else had to of shot that beaver."
Doc says,"Exactly."

Cal

 

[Ouachita]

The following news suggest 70% of obama followers are "fake followers". This would imply that 30% are "real followers". What I want to know is; How can you tell the difference :lol2: :lol: Now that's funny right there.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities ... DeS1NZlQ19

President Obama's Twitter account has 18.8 million followers -- but more than half of them really don't exist, according to reports.

A new Web tool has determined that 70% of Obama's crowd includes "fake followers," The New York Times reports in a story about how Twitter followers can be purchased.

"The practice has become so widespread that StatusPeople, a social media management company in London, released a Web tool last month called the Fake Follower Check that it says can ascertain how many fake followers you and your friends have," the Times reports.

"Fake accounts tend to follow a lot of people but have few followers," said Rob Waller, a founder of StatusPeople. "We then combine that with a few other metrics to confirm the account is fake."

Notes the Times:

If accurate, the number of fake followers out there is surprising. According to the StatusPeople tool, 71 percent of Lady Gaga's nearly 29 million followers are "fake" or "inactive." So are 70 percent of President Obama's nearly 19 million followers.

Republican opponent Mitt Romney has far fewer Twitter followers -- not quite 900,000 -- but it's a good bet that some of them are fake as well.

Both campaigns have denied buying Twitter followers.