Daily Joke
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Grins and Giggles
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
**********************************
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
**********************************
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Jacob & Rebecca
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
********************
Be Careful Of What You Pray For
Shamus was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up me drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Shamus looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
**************************
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
******************
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
Movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
*************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was
Chinese.
*************************
Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
X-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as
Usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She
Sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment,
And everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back
On...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her
Husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her
Husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the
Glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and
They are still naked.
Bambi then says: "Darnn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
Already broken!"
*****************
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
Thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not
Shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00
To get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
Trigger."
*****************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
Escalators for over four hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into
The tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
Blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
Harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you
Doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
Into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
Roll up the windows first."
****************
PML at the last one!
SL
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
********************
Be Careful Of What You Pray For
Shamus was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up me drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Shamus looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
**************************
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
******************
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
Movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
*************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was
Chinese.
*************************
Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
X-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as
Usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She
Sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment,
And everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back
On...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her
Husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her
Husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the
Glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and
They are still naked.
Bambi then says: "Darnn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
Already broken!"
*****************
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
Thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not
Shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00
To get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
Trigger."
*****************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
Escalators for over four hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into
The tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
Blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
Harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you
Doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
Into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
Roll up the windows first."
****************
PML at the last one!
SL
Just so the blonde lades on here don't get mad at me:
Blonde men
THIS IS TOO MUCH!
A friend told a blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday
This year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
----------------------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains
the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I
just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him
over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by
his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be
In the boat."
--
Laughter is like a needle and thread. Deftly used,
it can patch up just about everything!
Blonde men
THIS IS TOO MUCH!
A friend told a blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday
This year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
----------------------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains
the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I
just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him
over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by
his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be
In the boat."
--
Laughter is like a needle and thread. Deftly used,
it can patch up just about everything!
Wal-Mart job inteview
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes
and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied,
'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the
bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh-t my pants.'
Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes
and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied,
'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the
bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh-t my pants.'
Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
TexasBred
Well-known member
CATHOLIC HORSES
One day at the track in Ireland, playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Murphy noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot bet - won the race..
Before the next race, Murphy watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track and again made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Murphy ran to the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Murphy collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Murphy bet big time on it, and it won. Murphy was elated.. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Murphy was pulling in some serious coin. By the last race, he knew his wildest dream could come true. He went to an ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him on which horse to bet.
True to his pattern, the priest again stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Murphy also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Murphy knew he had a winner and bet every last cent he owned on the old nag.
Murphy then watched in horror as the old nag come in dead last. Murphy, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track and confronted the priest...
"Father! What happened??? Every horse you blessed today took first place, but in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by aKentucky mile. Thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!"
Bemused, the priest nodded and said, "Son, that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites..."
One day at the track in Ireland, playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Murphy noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot bet - won the race..
Before the next race, Murphy watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track and again made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Murphy ran to the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Murphy collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Murphy bet big time on it, and it won. Murphy was elated.. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Murphy was pulling in some serious coin. By the last race, he knew his wildest dream could come true. He went to an ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him on which horse to bet.
True to his pattern, the priest again stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Murphy also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Murphy knew he had a winner and bet every last cent he owned on the old nag.
Murphy then watched in horror as the old nag come in dead last. Murphy, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track and confronted the priest...
"Father! What happened??? Every horse you blessed today took first place, but in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by aKentucky mile. Thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!"
Bemused, the priest nodded and said, "Son, that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites..."
chrisy
Well-known member
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead
of your collar."
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead
of your collar."
TexasBred
Well-known member
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Georgia when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
Galloways1
Well-known member
TexasBred":3csm73hq said:
:clap: :clap: :clap:
TexasBred
Well-known member
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a nice cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
highgrit
Well-known member
Maybe men are just smarter.
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
**************************
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
Is this a great country or what?
************************
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
****************************
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
>>
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and
Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President
Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh
commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to
try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,
because they realized that it should have the same style,
majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their
brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh
commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
**************************
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
Is this a great country or what?
************************
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
****************************
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
>>
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and
Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President
Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh
commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to
try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,
because they realized that it should have the same style,
majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their
brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh
commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to
serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in
on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying
things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one
hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying,
'No shi-, what happened next?'
serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in
on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying
things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one
hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying,
'No shi-, what happened next?'
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Muslim Ivasion!!!
An American Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat,
rowing towards Boston . The captain gets on the loud hailer
and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,
"We are invading America !"
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the
captain finally stops, he gets back on the loud hailer and says,
"Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
An American Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat,
rowing towards Boston . The captain gets on the loud hailer
and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,
"We are invading America !"
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the
captain finally stops, he gets back on the loud hailer and says,
"Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
I have been in many places in my travels, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's
a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial, but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's
a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial, but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
chrisy
Well-known member
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's
a short drive./quote]
I've been there a few times but each time I swum.
TexasBred
Well-known member
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the he77. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bych.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the he77. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bych.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
