jedstivers
Well-known member
That's not a joke, that should be for real.
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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Calman
Well-known member
jedstivers":1ygkzas0 said:
YEP!! :nod:
Cal
cowboy43
Well-known member
Like when you have to go to old folks home, you would get better care in prison at no cost.
TexasBred
Well-known member
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bych, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?
" I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bych!" :shock: :shock:
Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bych, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?
" I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bych!" :shock: :shock:
TexasBred
Well-known member
LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA
When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast , even houses of worship were not spared.
A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless. They live among us, AND THEY VOTE.
Now do you understand how we got our president ?
When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast , even houses of worship were not spared.
A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless. They live among us, AND THEY VOTE.
Now do you understand how we got our president ?
cmf1
Well-known member
I sware TB,
Haf a time i ownt evun no wutchu tawkin bout.
Darn neer evabody down heer eet popeyes.
An hoo gonna worship a chikin anyways?
Texus sound lik a strange plays tuh me.
Haf a time i ownt evun no wutchu tawkin bout.
Darn neer evabody down heer eet popeyes.
An hoo gonna worship a chikin anyways?
Texus sound lik a strange plays tuh me.
CKC1586
Well-known member
Today's joke? Joe Biden.
J M O
J M O
greybeard
Well-known member
That's every day tho.
Ryder
Well-known member
I saw what you mean.CKC1586":2kb0l27i said:
Joke-yes.
Funny-no. More like despicable.
Jogeephus
Well-known member
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
The entire OU football team is on a striper fishing trip on the Oklahoma side of the Red River. A single Longhorn player steps out of the river bank bushes on the Texas side and says, "Send any 10 of your players across and I will whip them all by myself." He then disappears back into the bushes. Ten insulted and angry OU players row across and step behind the bushes. All kinds of crashing and banging is heard, and the boat is sent back with the 10 OU players too beat up to speak.
The Texas player steps out and says, "Send me any 15 of your boys and I'll whip them all by myself." He disappears into the bushes again. 15 angry OU players row across and step into the bushes. Crashing and banging again is heard. Then the 15 beat up and out of it OU players are sent back across. The Texas player steps out again. "Send me any 20 of your players and I'll whip them all by myself." About that time a beat up OU player revives and says, "Don't believe him boys, there's 2 of them over there."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
One foggy night, a Texas fan and an Oklahoma fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Austin. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Oklahoma fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Longhorn fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too fee
ling fortunate to have survived.
The Oklahoma fan walks over to the Longhorn fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."
The Longhorn fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Longhorn fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Sooner fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our new found friendship." The Sooner fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Sooner fan hands it back to the Longhorn fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Longhorn fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
The Texas player steps out and says, "Send me any 15 of your boys and I'll whip them all by myself." He disappears into the bushes again. 15 angry OU players row across and step into the bushes. Crashing and banging again is heard. Then the 15 beat up and out of it OU players are sent back across. The Texas player steps out again. "Send me any 20 of your players and I'll whip them all by myself." About that time a beat up OU player revives and says, "Don't believe him boys, there's 2 of them over there."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
One foggy night, a Texas fan and an Oklahoma fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Austin. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Oklahoma fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Longhorn fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too fee
ling fortunate to have survived.
The Oklahoma fan walks over to the Longhorn fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."
The Longhorn fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Longhorn fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Sooner fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our new found friendship." The Sooner fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Sooner fan hands it back to the Longhorn fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Longhorn fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
cow pollinater
Well-known member
An elderly man was sitting on a park bench watching another elderly man that he had known since childhood jog his final lap. Once the jogger was done he sat down on the bench and started up a conversation as he was not even winded, "now all I have to do is go home and make love to my wife and I'll be ready to start my day" he said with a smile.
After some questioning about the keys to the joggers longevity, it was revealed that a couple of slices of rye bread a day were the cause. The elderly man went shuffling off to the bakery to buy some longevity, thinking to himself how wonderful it would be just to make love one more time before he died.
Once the old man arrived at the bakery his failing eyes couldn't make out the labels so he asked the young lady for eight loaves of rye bread. She looked kind of confused and said "but it will be hard halfway through the first loaf". He shouted "SON OF A B****! Everybody knows about it but ME!"
After some questioning about the keys to the joggers longevity, it was revealed that a couple of slices of rye bread a day were the cause. The elderly man went shuffling off to the bakery to buy some longevity, thinking to himself how wonderful it would be just to make love one more time before he died.
Once the old man arrived at the bakery his failing eyes couldn't make out the labels so he asked the young lady for eight loaves of rye bread. She looked kind of confused and said "but it will be hard halfway through the first loaf". He shouted "SON OF A B****! Everybody knows about it but ME!"
FarmGirl10
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chrisy
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FarmGirl10
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Kingfisher
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Jubilee Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)
TexasBred
Well-known member
A COWBOY NAMED FRED
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "...The Balcony..."
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "...The Balcony..."
chrisy
Well-known member
cowboy fred should have sung them.....
I went to the pictures tomorrow
and got a front seat in the back
I fell from the pit to the gallery
and broke a front bone in my back
I turned a straight crooked corner
and saw a dead donkey alive
I took out my pistol to stab it
and it landed me one in the eye.
I went to the pictures tomorrow
and got a front seat in the back
I fell from the pit to the gallery
and broke a front bone in my back
I turned a straight crooked corner
and saw a dead donkey alive
I took out my pistol to stab it
and it landed me one in the eye.
chippie
Well-known member
A farmer decided that he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry Sir," said the ticket agent. "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down the front of his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows, Ethel and Mildred.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so that Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Ethel", whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Ethel.
"I think that the guy next to me is a pervert."
"Why?" asked Ethel.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well don't worry about it", said Ethel. "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so too", said Mildred. "But this one is eating my popcorn. . .!!!!"
The old farmer said, "That's my rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry Sir," said the ticket agent. "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down the front of his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows, Ethel and Mildred.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so that Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Ethel", whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Ethel.
"I think that the guy next to me is a pervert."
"Why?" asked Ethel.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well don't worry about it", said Ethel. "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so too", said Mildred. "But this one is eating my popcorn. . .!!!!"
TexasBred
Well-known member
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
