wildsawmill
Well-known member
when in rome do as the romans do
when in the voting booth vote your heart & mind
mine is any body but obama
when in the voting booth vote your heart & mind
mine is any body but obama
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
- Start date
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TexasBred
Well-known member
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
...
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbich lies."
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
...
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbich lies."
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Resurrection
"Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years. We were talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.
"The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
"He said 'Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?'
"One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said 'Please tell us what the resurrection is'.
"The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!'
"It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be."
"Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years. We were talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.
"The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
"He said 'Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?'
"One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said 'Please tell us what the resurrection is'.
"The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!'
"It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be."
Kathie in Thorp
Well-known member
Bad a$$ Texas Rabbit -- Maybe this video has already made the rounds; I don't know. Note to self: Stay clear of Texas wabbits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rebnrnGLKh0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rebnrnGLKh0
Don't move to California!
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, rumors are circulating that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
We will keep you posted on future developments.
*********************
Voice mail Accident Hilarious.
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=2998
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, rumors are circulating that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
We will keep you posted on future developments.
*********************
Voice mail Accident Hilarious.
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=2998
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Posted for a shy member.
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns
the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, mate, and the second one?"
asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including
her panties and lies
down on the table and shouts:
'HELP ME - I haven't
seen a man in over two years!!'"
"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!"
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns
the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, mate, and the second one?"
asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including
her panties and lies
down on the table and shouts:
'HELP ME - I haven't
seen a man in over two years!!'"
"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!"
From my buddy who writes Cowboy Poetry! Enjoy!
When I was living in Oklahoma I needed to make a trip to Nebraska to look at some cattle. A buddy of mine said he would like to go along. I told him that was fine but after I looked at the cattle I planned to camp out and do a little fishing at a lake there. We loaded up and headed out. When we got to a little town in Nebraska we stopped at a grocery store. The clerk asked what we wanted and I told her we needed some maters,taters and onions. The clerk said you must be from Oklahoma. I said yes how could you tell. She answered well by your accent. We took off and my buddy said that was amazing how she could tell where I was from. He said the next town we get to lets stop and Ill ask and see if they know where Im from. So we stopped and he went in and asked the clerk for some maters,taters and onions! The clerk said: My you must be from Arkansas! My buddy said yes ma`am how did you know the lady said: "Your in a hardware store"!!!
When I was living in Oklahoma I needed to make a trip to Nebraska to look at some cattle. A buddy of mine said he would like to go along. I told him that was fine but after I looked at the cattle I planned to camp out and do a little fishing at a lake there. We loaded up and headed out. When we got to a little town in Nebraska we stopped at a grocery store. The clerk asked what we wanted and I told her we needed some maters,taters and onions. The clerk said you must be from Oklahoma. I said yes how could you tell. She answered well by your accent. We took off and my buddy said that was amazing how she could tell where I was from. He said the next town we get to lets stop and Ill ask and see if they know where Im from. So we stopped and he went in and asked the clerk for some maters,taters and onions! The clerk said: My you must be from Arkansas! My buddy said yes ma`am how did you know the lady said: "Your in a hardware store"!!!
Ouachita
Well-known member
Oh that cut deep :lol2:
jedstivers
Well-known member
That was just an old Aggie joke but being from CO he got confuzzed.Ouachita":2hnkqocm said:
jedstivers":2y1bpuf2 said:
I am just as much from Mo as i am from Co................no cunfusion here......... ;-) :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
best part is knowing the fella i got it from it could be a true story.
jedstivers
Well-known member
Well yeah I forgot about the MO part. That's a whole n'other thing, I know.3waycross":1glw0c1h said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qvj-2mo ... ata_player
Ouachita
Well-known member
Thanks for posting that link jed. I haven't even heard of him since I was working in Waco in 1989/90, and myself and a couple others drove south to some juke joint and watched him and others perform. I can't remember how far or how long we drove, and can't even remember the name of the place or town. Not a big name town. Steve Earle was there and had some problems with gravity. I think I remember Emmylou Harris too. or was it Tanya Tucker? Spent youth I guess.
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .."
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to beTiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
**************************
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
********************
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .."
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to beTiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
**************************
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
********************
cow pollinater
Well-known member
Joe was in trouble... He forgot all about his wife's birthday. She waited all day thinking he would surprise her with something special. She finally reminded him at dinner. She said "you get one more chance...whatever it is it had better be capable of 0-200 in a few seconds and sitting in our driveway tomorow morning" and she sent him off into the night to find the perfect gift.
The next morning she awoke after Joe had left for work. She walked outside and saw a wrapped box sitting in the driveway... confused, she opened the box and pulled out a bathroom scale with a birthday card attatched.
The next morning she awoke after Joe had left for work. She walked outside and saw a wrapped box sitting in the driveway... confused, she opened the box and pulled out a bathroom scale with a birthday card attatched.
Ouachita
Well-known member
cow pollinater":e8vgeynp said:
I hope he took all his firearms with him :lol2:
Text message:
Mom: Your great aunt just passed away LOL
David: Why is that funny?
Mom: It's not funny David. Wht do you mean?
David: Mom LOL means laughing out loud!
Mom: OMG I sent that to everyone I thought it meant Lots of Love! I have to call everyone back OMG.
********************
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me at all and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from N.Y. . Act like it!
*******************
Redneck logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Mom: Your great aunt just passed away LOL
David: Why is that funny?
Mom: It's not funny David. Wht do you mean?
David: Mom LOL means laughing out loud!
Mom: OMG I sent that to everyone I thought it meant Lots of Love! I have to call everyone back OMG.
********************
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me at all and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from N.Y. . Act like it!
*******************
Redneck logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Ooops!
Suzie Q
Well-known member
Bahahahahahahahahaha
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Purveyor... a provider of goods or services. Usually the word purveyor is used in the food business.
