Daily Joke

Help Support CattleToday:

Amish Farmer



An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows crap in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, in perfect English 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.


The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"



The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs. . .

"Your badge .. Show him your BADGE !!!!!
 
well i was in line at walmart with a bag of purina dog chow when the lady behind me sayed have you got a dog?
now im thinking no an elefant
i replied No Evil im going on the purina diet again. you pack your pockets with purina & everytime you get hungry just nibble on a few nuggets. its full of nutrents so it works well. i lost 50 lbs last time, but ended up in hospital in itensive care.
lady asked, did eating the dog food put you in the hospital?
No i stepped of a curb to sniff a poddles ass & got run over by a car laugh
heres your sign
 
There once was a self proclaimed expert on cattle of all things. He had read every book he could find on the subject. One day, at the rip old age of
9, he conned his grand dad into loaning him money to buy some cows. He played with them the entire 6 years he worked for 4 year degree. Then another relative gave him a job as a reward for reading enough books.
One day he figured he had Learned all there was to learn about All things cattle and he would impart his great knowledge on the lowly peasants that had been working all their days with their herds. They quickly learned they had been doing it all wrong all along, and all the common folk bowed down to his great knowledge
And then the great young man woke up.
The end
 
hooknline":3nnvxzhq said:
There once was a self proclaimed expert on cattle of all things. He had read every book he could find on the subject. One day, at the rip old age of
9, he conned his grand dad into loaning him money to buy some cows. He played with them the entire 6 years he worked for 4 year degree. Then another relative gave him a job as a reward for reading enough books.
One day he figured he had Learned all there was to learn about All things cattle and he would impart his great knowledge on the lowly peasants that had been working all their days with their herds. They quickly learned they had been doing it all wrong all along, and all the common folk bowed down to his great knowledge
And then the great young man woke up.
The end
Click to expand...
;-)
 
488190_402423706480725_977960353_n.jpg
 
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
 
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it


Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AC L U files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
 
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!


"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.
 
finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

> >

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I

grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

> >

> > Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog.

> >

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.
 
when Fara Facuiet got to heaven she was given one wish for humanity
can you guess











she said she wanted to protect the children
poof michael jackson died
 
The
Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop , so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . ...
being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
 
Two cowboys walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The cowboys walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"
 
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
 
Rumor's

Preacher was in the pulpit raising cane about vicious rumor's going around the small town about him.
He is worked up into a lather that someone has spread the rumor that he is a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
The preacher call's for the guilty party to come up front and confess their sin.
No one move's, Preacher is now in a spitting frenzy for the sinner to come up front.
A blonde in the third pew stand's slowly in the congregation you could have heard a pin drop.
She say's preacher I never told anyone you where a member of the KKK.


I just told my girl friends you where a wizard under the sheet's.
 
wildsawmill":3phl3qnq said:
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Click to expand...
:lol:
 
HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Well, because that's the way they built them in England , and English engineers designed the first US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

So, why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England. You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since..

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses..)
Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and...

CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
 
Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in

Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver

the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have

some bad news, the mule died last night."



Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."



The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."



They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."



The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"



Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."



The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"



Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"



A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly

Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a

profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two

dollars back."



Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
 

Similar threads

D
Daily Chuckle
292 293 294
Replies
6K
Views
400K
coachg
coachg
cfpinz
Daily Emails from CT
Replies
11
Views
2K
cfpinz
cfpinz
J
Thought this was a joke but it's real. Sexbots coming to a store near you.
2
Replies
20
Views
2K
JWBrahman
J
dun
Taking a joke
2
Replies
25
Views
2K
1982vett
1982vett
C
Joke! Joke! Joke!
Replies
7
Views
1K
wacocowboy
W

Latest posts

Top