CKC1586
Well-known member
Whoopsie!!!
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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TexasBred
Well-known member
Nesikep":96okw3wv said:
Hope that truck was delivering them to Mexico. :nod:
Ouachita
Well-known member
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap" ?
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime".
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. "Is that a problem" ?
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.
$ 10,000 a hole is fine with me. "When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap" ?
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime".
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. "Is that a problem" ?
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.
$ 10,000 a hole is fine with me. "When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
bigbluegrass
Well-known member
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw that it was so beautiful.
Saint Peter came by; the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Saint Peter came by; the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
TexasBred
Well-known member
My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"
As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"
TexasBred
Well-known member
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!
Nesikep
Well-known member
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my Testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles Black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
About his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
And sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
Says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
Very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my Testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles Black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
About his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
And sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
Says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
Very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '
Jogeephus
Well-known member
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW!! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW!! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
TexasBred
Well-known member
Matewan , WV -- Breaking News
June 11, 2012
Mingo County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Red Jacket on Matewan Road. Early Monday shortly after midnight, Thurston Poole, 33, of Red Jacket, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Easley, were returning to Taylorville after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night , Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fitted perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never again operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Deputy Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
June 11, 2012
Mingo County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Red Jacket on Matewan Road. Early Monday shortly after midnight, Thurston Poole, 33, of Red Jacket, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Easley, were returning to Taylorville after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night , Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fitted perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never again operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Deputy Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
jedstivers
Well-known member
Bet they are kin to KT.
TexasBred
Well-known member
:lol2: Ya reckon? :shock:jedstivers":1lvmr2fa said:
Kingfisher
Well-known member
That is wrong in so many ways.....
TexasBred
Well-known member
Dr. Notes
Sometimes Doctors, for a variety of reasons, write the most amusing things… The following are notes from Medical Records - These are actual doctors' notes (unedited) on patients' charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall
31. Neurosurgeon charted procedure with a big typo! "Pt. is post-op day 2 for butt hole washouts". He should have charted "burr hole washouts" (Thanks Vivi)
Sometimes Doctors, for a variety of reasons, write the most amusing things… The following are notes from Medical Records - These are actual doctors' notes (unedited) on patients' charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall
31. Neurosurgeon charted procedure with a big typo! "Pt. is post-op day 2 for butt hole washouts". He should have charted "burr hole washouts" (Thanks Vivi)
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
TexasBred
Well-known member
Disco Dancing
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor getting down big time - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, . . .the works.
The wife turned to her husband and said: "See that guy dancing? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down."
The husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor getting down big time - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, . . .the works.
The wife turned to her husband and said: "See that guy dancing? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down."
The husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
Crazy Farmgirl
Well-known member
slick4591":26q4599d said:
:clap: :clap: love this!!! :lol:
OP
OP
