ga.prime
Well-known member
:lol2: That's rightALACOWMAN":1919i3fp said:
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
- Start date
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TexasBred
Well-known member
DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?
A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!
THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE
HOW MUCH HE KNOWS. THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE.
SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHATSPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!
ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER
SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS,'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!'
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK. HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS..
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HE// DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, 'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!'
HE GOT THE JOB ...NOW HE IS THE FOREMAN!!
A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!
THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE
HOW MUCH HE KNOWS. THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE.
SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHATSPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!
ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER
SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS,'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!'
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK. HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS..
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HE// DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, 'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!'
HE GOT THE JOB ...NOW HE IS THE FOREMAN!!
muleskinner
Well-known member
Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
TexasBred
Well-known member
This story is said to be true: IRS actually commented on this one.
Something to ponder ...... but, still worth a broad Smile !
Amazing, but true, if you think about it, and it shows the importance
of accuracy in your tax return.
The IRS has returned the Tax Return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the
question, ... "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?"
The man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and
the entire group that call themselves Politicians".
IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, ... "Who did I leave out?"
Something to ponder ...... but, still worth a broad Smile !
Amazing, but true, if you think about it, and it shows the importance
of accuracy in your tax return.
The IRS has returned the Tax Return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the
question, ... "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?"
The man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and
the entire group that call themselves Politicians".
IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, ... "Who did I leave out?"
Hickory40CC
Member
A three-legged dog walked into a bar...said I'm looking for the person who shot my pa....
TexasBred
Well-known member
A young college student had a job as a desk clerk at a local hotel, mostly working the night shift. She shared this story with us.
The other night at about 3:00 a.m. she was sitting at the front desk of her hotel.working on some of a paper for one of her Animal Science classes when the phone rang. The guy on the other end was clearly three sheets to the wind. He wanted to know what time the bar opened.
She politely told him it opened at noon.
About an hour later, the phone rang again - same guy, same question, "What time does the bar open?" She again politely responded that the hotel bar opened at noon.
Another hour passes. It is now 4:00 a.m. and again the phone rings - same guy, "What time does the bar open, Miss?"
She again answers, this time a bit peeved, "Sir, the bar still opens at noon but if you are desperate, I can have room service bring something up to you."
"Naw, I don't wanna get in the bar!.....I wanna get OUT!!!!"
The other night at about 3:00 a.m. she was sitting at the front desk of her hotel.working on some of a paper for one of her Animal Science classes when the phone rang. The guy on the other end was clearly three sheets to the wind. He wanted to know what time the bar opened.
She politely told him it opened at noon.
About an hour later, the phone rang again - same guy, same question, "What time does the bar open?" She again politely responded that the hotel bar opened at noon.
Another hour passes. It is now 4:00 a.m. and again the phone rings - same guy, "What time does the bar open, Miss?"
She again answers, this time a bit peeved, "Sir, the bar still opens at noon but if you are desperate, I can have room service bring something up to you."
"Naw, I don't wanna get in the bar!.....I wanna get OUT!!!!"
This ain't a joke, but it is the funniest insurance commercial I have ever seen.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Eqoq2kBT5Co
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Eqoq2kBT5Co
TexasBred
Well-known member
I wonder if this was Commercialfarmer or maybe OUSooner Fan. :lol: :lol:
http://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu ... ourthouse/
http://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu ... ourthouse/
Commercialfarmer
Well-known member
Not me, moma raised me better than that, I'm a pokes fan. But it sounds like he's just trying to live up to his alma-mater of being a Sooner- rules and laws have little meaning.
A week too soon? :lol:
A week too soon? :lol:
john250
Well-known member
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
Chelsea.
melking
Well-known member
:clap: :clap:
Nesikep
Well-known member
TexasBred":jq3akw7o said:
An unknown number of IRS agents??
TexasBred
Well-known member
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."
Kingfisher
Well-known member
reply to this post rate flag
FARMER JOE < WalmartSpecial > 2015-12-09 19:48
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer thet he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to
bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try
didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them
out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them
back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
"One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot
even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife
to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No", she
says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!
FARMER JOE < WalmartSpecial > 2015-12-09 19:48
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer thet he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to
bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try
didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them
out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them
back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
"One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot
even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife
to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No", she
says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!
chrisy
Well-known member
He can go meet the farmer from Wales with his sheep :lol:
chrisy
Well-known member
Their calling for him to be band from entering England, because of his remarks.ram":1j9h3n0s said:
Dave
Well-known member
I have a chameleon that won't change color. So I took it to the vet to find out what the problem was. After careful examination the vet told me that it had a reptile dysfunction.
