My First Taser Experience
>
> My wife is fond of saying that my last words on
> this earth will be something akin to "Well, I haves
> out done myself once again." No doubt you will see
> this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in
> the near future.
>
> Here goes...
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop
> that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my
> "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something
> really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th
> anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my sweet girl.
>
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those
> of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
> a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock
> of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
> flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
> lived with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, but allowing you adequate time to
> retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
> tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will
> render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
> muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If
> you've never seen one of these things in action,
> then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought
> it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
> thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
> need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my
> chagrin that this particular model would not create
> an arch between the prongs.
>
> How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I
> learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
> pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
> between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
> I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of
> electricity, and a loud pop!
>
> Yipeeeeee!
>
> I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
> have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on
> the face of her microwave is.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
> with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on
> intently (trusting little soul), reading the
> directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
> on a flesh and blood target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a
> fraction of a second and thought better of it. He
> is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going
> to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to
> me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
> my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other.
> The directions said that a one-second burst would
> shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
> burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
> of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
> like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device
> (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
> two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself,
> "No friggin' way!"
>
> Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
> myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description,
> but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well
> have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
> sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his
> head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it
> buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
> ! a tiny l il' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
> (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances,
> wouldn't you agree?).
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just
> for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--
> always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad
> decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
> right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaaaaaaang!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through
> the front door, picked me up out of that recliner,
> then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
> again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, skin on fire, cohonees nowhere
> to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
> under my body in the oddest position. The dog was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
> himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself
> with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such
> thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it
> is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the
> floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge
> one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like
> yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
> can't be sure, as
> time was a relative thing at this point), I
> collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
> landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the
> room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
> thigh and my skin was still burning. My
> face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an
> ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my cohonees? I think
> they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
>
> Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.
>
> Never Touchin' the Taser Again!
>
> My wife is fond of saying that my last words on
> this earth will be something akin to "Well, I haves
> out done myself once again." No doubt you will see
> this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in
> the near future.
>
> Here goes...
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop
> that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my
> "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something
> really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th
> anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my sweet girl.
>
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those
> of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
> a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock
> of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
> flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
> lived with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, but allowing you adequate time to
> retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
> tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will
> render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
> muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If
> you've never seen one of these things in action,
> then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought
> it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
> thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
> need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my
> chagrin that this particular model would not create
> an arch between the prongs.
>
> How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I
> learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
> pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
> between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
> I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of
> electricity, and a loud pop!
>
> Yipeeeeee!
>
> I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
> have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on
> the face of her microwave is.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
> with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on
> intently (trusting little soul), reading the
> directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
> on a flesh and blood target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a
> fraction of a second and thought better of it. He
> is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going
> to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to
> me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
> my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other.
> The directions said that a one-second burst would
> shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
> burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
> of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
> like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device
> (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
> two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself,
> "No friggin' way!"
>
> Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
> myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description,
> but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well
> have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
> sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his
> head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it
> buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
> ! a tiny l il' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
> (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances,
> wouldn't you agree?).
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just
> for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--
> always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad
> decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
> right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaaaaaaang!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through
> the front door, picked me up out of that recliner,
> then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
> again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, skin on fire, cohonees nowhere
> to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
> under my body in the oddest position. The dog was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
> himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself
> with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such
> thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it
> is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the
> floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge
> one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like
> yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
> can't be sure, as
> time was a relative thing at this point), I
> collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
> landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the
> room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
> thigh and my skin was still burning. My
> face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an
> ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my cohonees? I think
> they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
>
> Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.
>
> Never Touchin' the Taser Again!
