toxic family members?

[GMN]

I don't normally put this kind of stuff on here, but this past weekend upset me so much, just wondering if any of you have some suggestions on how to deal with toxic family members?
I have these family members who live in another state, their is an another family member who always encourages these people to come and visit, well these people are on state aid, they can't afford to take vacations, but the older lady enables them to be lazy and helps them out all the time, they live in a house that she bought,and are making the payments to her, when they can, they whine about being so broke but do nothing to change it-they have 5 kids-I have always had a up and down relationship with them for various reasons-Anyways this older lady let them skip their house payment, to help them get their kids ready for school, but instead they spent the money to come here to visit-They arrived last Thursday, Friday the older lady was to occupy them for the day-but she could not handle them at her house so she sent them to my house. i and my son were the only ones here so we had to deal with them. In hindsight i should have just asked them to leave-but that is rude-anyways they all went in the pool created mega chaos there, then took off running in our yard by the calves in the barn all over, it was unbelievable. The Mom and dad sat by the pool letting their kids run wild, so I and my son had to chase these kids around to prevent them from getting hurt- the parents sat by the pool on their cell phones playing video games-the one boy picked up a pair of shears i had and he was going to cut my hammock strings, i stopped that, but I guess i just don;'t understand people like this-no respect for my family our personal belongings, and their attitude of just expecting people to do for them is just too much. That night I barely slept because I simply felt like I had been in a war zone!
next day another family member had a cook out, I went but left early because I just could not stand to be around these people for another day!
I find myself thinking it may be best to distance myself from the older lady for awhile i just feel that she does not have my best interests at heart and sometimes I have even wondered if she intentionally has done things to rattle me-we have had a rocky relationship for over 20 years, but for her to have done this, just makes me really wish i could just cut her from my life for good-it feels like a betrayal-to hear her say wasn't the visit fun-just makes me really wonder what the heck????
Any suggestions on dealing with toxic family members?

 

[Kingfisher]

Lol. Sounds like the scene from family vacation movie! You got to love em but you don't have to enable them!

 

[bball]

GMN, when it comes to toxic people, (family, friends, anyone) I simply eliminate them from my life. Life is way to short to have these people always pulling you down, and I have enough quality people in my life that I simply don't need to or want to deal with the drama and aggravation of the perpetually toxic people, family or not.. I'm always amazed at the people who put up with dirt bag people in their life just because they're 'blood'. The same 'blood' has no problem causing them misery and exploiting them without a second thought. I know everyone has a bad day, but if the behavior is consistently negative, I simply disengage for my and my immediate family's own well being. I know some folks who 'eat a lot of dirt' trying to stay in the rich old man or ladies good graces to stay in the will...not worth it to me, ever has been. Sorry you had such a crummy weekend.

 

[Brute 23]

I agree with the posts above.

Several years back I cleaned house on who I associated with... both friends and family. Best thing I ever did.

I have a couple family members that are disowned. In no way do I acknowledge them or get any where near them... not even to appease other family members.

A good number of them were kind of rocky. I walked away and let the ones who wanted to remain friends come to me. The ones who did not put any effort forth... I have not talked to.

Best thing I ever did. Culling the heard opened up time to really enjoy the good relationships and even made me a little more optimistic on starting new ones.

 

[backhoeboogie]

BBall is on the money. Some people let these things consume them. Another family member talks about it all the time. For years. Any time you have a conversation she's going to discuss her same problem. The same things you have heard over and over again. She cannot get out of the rut. Her whole life was built around her children and they grew up. One of them is living his own life, doing quite well and she hates his wife. There's nothing else for her to talk about.

 

[hurleyjd]

I don't normally put this kind of stuff on here, but this past weekend upset me so much, just wondering if any of you have some suggestions on how to deal with toxic family members?
I have these family members who live in another state, their is an another family member who always encourages these people to come and visit, well these people are on state aid, they can't afford to take vacations, but the older lady enables them to be lazy and helps them out all the time, they live in a house that she bought,and are making the payments to her, when they can, they whine about being so broke but do nothing to change it-they have 5 kids-I have always had a up and down relationship with them for various reasons-Anyways this older lady let them skip their house payment, to help them get their kids ready for school, but instead they spent the money to come here to visit-They arrived last Thursday, Friday the older lady was to occupy them for the day-but she could not handle them at her house so she sent them to my house. i and my son were the only ones here so we had to deal with them. In hindsight i should have just asked them to leave-but that is rude-anyways they all went in the pool created mega chaos there, then took off running in our yard by the calves in the barn all over, it was unbelievable. The Mom and dad sat by the pool letting their kids run wild, so I and my son had to chase these kids around to prevent them from getting hurt- the parents sat by the pool on their cell phones playing video games-the one boy picked up a pair of shears i had and he was going to cut my hammock strings, i stopped that, but I guess i just don;'t understand people like this-no respect for my family our personal belongings, and their attitude of just expecting people to do for them is just too much. That night I barely slept because I simply felt like I had been in a war zone!
next day another family member had a cook out, I went but left early because I just could not stand to be around these people for another day!
I find myself thinking it may be best to distance myself from the older lady for awhile i just feel that she does not have my best interests at heart and sometimes I have even wondered if she intentionally has done things to rattle me-we have had a rocky relationship for over 20 years, but for her to have done this, just makes me really wish i could just cut her from my life for good-it feels like a betrayal-to hear her say wasn't the visit fun-just makes me really wonder what the heck????
Any suggestions on dealing with toxic family members?

Time to grow a backbone tell the older lady that you do not want that pack of pirates at your place any time in the future. Nothing wrong in threatening the kids with their life if the parents do not make them behave.

 

[dieselbeef]

we have been in the hosp for a month. my brother and his daughter..shes 30 yrs old... haven't even come to see us yet..and wont I reckon. got 2 texts from the daughter and one from my brother
in mar my brothers wife was killed in a car crash and my niece was in icu for 2 weeks. we blew off our vacation and gave them the money. went to see them every day for a week. an hr each way.
whatever...bye...just cuz theyre family don't make it ok

 

[highgrit]

You can choose your friends, but your stuck with your family. That's what I've always been taught and right or wrong that's what I do. But as a guest your going to respect my family and my property. I've had to whip a niece and a couple of nephews and some friends kids. I wouldn't put up with any BS on my property, and that might just fix your predicament.

 

[branguscowgirl]

There are people that are ignorant when it comes to farm life and livestock. (Like the ones that move to "the country" and turn their kids and dogs loose to "run free".) But that does not excuse them from supervising their children properly at someone else's home! That would make me angry also. I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. I would be telling them to take care of their kids and keep them outta stuff or go to a motel.
As far as their financial affairs, well that's their business. As others have said, distance is your friend. :nod:

 

[bbirder]

Any suggestions on dealing with toxic family members?

Time to grow a backbone tell the older lady that you do not want that pack of pirates at your place any time in the future. Nothing wrong in threatening the kids with their life if the parents do not make them behave.

+1

 

[ga.prime]

Sounds like average everyday people to me.

 

[bbirder]

we have been in the hosp for a month. my brother and his daughter..shes 30 yrs old... haven't even come to see us yet..and wont I reckon. got 2 texts from the daughter and one from my brother
in mar my brothers wife was killed in a car crash and my niece was in icu for 2 weeks. we blew off our vacation and gave them the money. went to see them every day for a week. an hr each way.
whatever...bye...just cuz theyre family don't make it ok

Diesel
You need to take care of your family . Don't worry about your brother. If he comes around, fine, if not blow him off. You should have other worries right now, and he and his daughter aren't one of them. :2cents:

 

[Bigfoot]

My day job is basically dealing with the negative. What that makes me do, is be extremely positive in my personal life. I just absolutely can't be around "downers". My advice is distance yourself from as many negative people as you can. They are toxic to everyone around them. They feed off each other, and there goal is to bring anyone, and everyone along for the ride.

 

[Kingfisher]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ilGSoWQQc5I

 

[dun]

Screw to whole lot including the older lady. But I never have been a close family sort. I prefer friendsI select rather then kin I've been saddled with!

 

[GMN]

In the past I have told her what I felt about her-and it didn't do any good but made her just gossip about me more-so i am thinking just say nothing and ignore her from now on-she is a very difficult person who thinks she does nothing wrong, she is a meddling old hag-her daughter who had the party the next day is just as bad if not worse, those to sit around and gossip about everyone-they just aren't very nice-when the gang came over I didn't even know they were coming, so i was doing other things surely did not have time to deal with this lot of freeloaders

 

[GMN]

GMN, when it comes to toxic people, (family, friends, anyone) I simply eliminate them from my life. Life is way to short to have these people always pulling you down, and I have enough quality people in my life that I simply don't need to or want to deal with the drama and aggravation of the perpetually toxic people, family or not.. I'm always amazed at the people who put up with dirt bag people in their life just because they're 'blood'. The same 'blood' has no problem causing them misery and exploiting them without a second thought. I know everyone has a bad day, but if the behavior is consistently negative, I simply disengage for my and my immediate family's own well being. I know some folks who 'eat a lot of dirt' trying to stay in the rich old man or ladies good graces to stay in the will...not worth it to me, ever has been. Sorry you had such a crummy weekend.

Thanks! Good advice

 

[dieselbeef]

we have been in the hosp for a month. my brother and his daughter..shes 30 yrs old... haven't even come to see us yet..and wont I reckon. got 2 texts from the daughter and one from my brother
in mar my brothers wife was killed in a car crash and my niece was in icu for 2 weeks. we blew off our vacation and gave them the money. went to see them every day for a week. an hr each way.
whatever...bye...just cuz theyre family don't make it ok

Diesel
You need to take care of your family . Don't worry about your brother. If he comes around, fine, if not blow him off. You should have other worries right now, and he and his daughter aren't one of them. :2cents:

oh yeah we are. jst thought id throw out another example of how people are...

 

[regolith]

In the past I have told her what I felt about her-and it didn't do any good but made her just gossip about me more-so i am thinking just say nothing and ignore her from now on-she is a very difficult person who thinks she does nothing wrong, she is a meddling old hag-her daughter who had the party the next day is just as bad if not worse, those to sit around and gossip about everyone-they just aren't very nice-when the gang came over I didn't even know they were coming, so i was doing other things surely did not have time to deal with this lot of freeloaders

Turning up like that shows total lack of respect for you.
As another said, they sound like pretty normal behaved folks with no idea of farm-life... have known plenty of bratty-behaved kids who grew up just fine (depends on their age, but when pretty young they really don't understand property respect).
But you don't need these hassles and some strong communication of that is in order.

And having said that, I've done it myself and it just doesn't seem to work - people forget, or other family members won't tell them or smooth it over. I'm not into sugar-coating the issue when I say someone isn't coming back to my place, but five years later and everyone's forgotten and thinks they're welcome...

 

[Stocker Steve]

Text book answer is to set "boundaries" to protect you and yours.