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Craig-TX

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I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall".
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister .. and now wish
to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires,
but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water
because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out,
or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
 

bwranch

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Two more which are my personal favorites;

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein

"Experience is when you recognize a mistake when you do it again."
- unknown

That last one came off of this board some time ago. Sorry, I don't remember who posted it, but I live it every day.
 

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