My Joke Thread

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TxCoUnTrYbOy

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ive gathered a list of some of my favorite jokes ive found online and decided to post them. some of these may be offensive, but a good joke should offend someone.


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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A father and his 6 year-old son attended a horse auction. The father
decided to check out a horse prior to bidding. The father ran his
hands up and down the horse's legs, face, and rump.

The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replied, "I'm interested in buying this horse and I'm
checking it out." The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers and he
blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home now!"

The father was puzzled and asked him, "Why do we have to go home right
this minute?!"
The boy replied, "Because, the FED EX delivery man was there yesterday
and
I think he wants to buy Mom!"

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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of
the word "service" - "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant. Today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all
those "service" agencies are doing to us!

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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid
Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned
the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

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A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold
winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young
families and young couples eating there that night. Some
of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more !"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for
their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall
and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it inhalf. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife
took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the
man began to eat his few bites of the hamburger the crowd
began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking, "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two
of them." As the man began to eat his French fries, one
young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything. Then the
crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something
to eat. This time the lady explained
that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no
longer. Again he came over to their table and offered
to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...."The teeth"

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A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there
with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for,
so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the
duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.
And thank you for shopping at Walmart."
 
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T

TxCoUnTrYbOy

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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If General Motors had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that
got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors (GM) issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived
when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment
provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't
remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't
find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every
button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines
him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a
shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having
any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a
couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here,"
he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill
the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will
give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home
and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?"
John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the
other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only
been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially
inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen
babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in
the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays'
delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one exclaims, "All these unhappy children, and ours is
so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the
pacifier out of his ass."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An East Coast Ivy League atheist professor was teaching a university
class
and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by all the time
taunting God, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." As the last minute
approached he smugly smiled. A young US Marine just released from
active
duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit
him
full force on the chin sending him flying from his platform and crashing
to
the floor.
The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled, "WHAT's the matter
with
you! Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent The Marines"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.

Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer & a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment". God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not ".
 
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TxCoUnTrYbOy

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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the
phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone
to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into
a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down
$500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on
his gloves. Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
No, I don't." she responded.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the finished gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought to himself.
Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:
The government today announced that it is
changing its emblem from an eagle
to a condom because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're
actually being screwed.
Damn!! It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dani walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, Dani anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her,"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear the price."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked

the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya'll
come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman
wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said,
"Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me
fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered . . take the money and buy
yourself some boots that fit..

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks
like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest,biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever
had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk !"

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red........................cherry"

"Yellow...................lemon"

"Green....................lime"

"Orange..................orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well", he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're a**holes!!!"
 

MULDOON

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Young love


Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely
walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want
to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured
out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two
of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little s**t is adorable anymore
 

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