TxCoUnTrYbOy
Well-known member
ive gathered a list of some of my favorite jokes ive found online and decided to post them. some of these may be offensive, but a good joke should offend someone.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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A father and his 6 year-old son attended a horse auction. The father
decided to check out a horse prior to bidding. The father ran his
hands up and down the horse's legs, face, and rump.
The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replied, "I'm interested in buying this horse and I'm
checking it out." The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers and he
blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home now!"
The father was puzzled and asked him, "Why do we have to go home right
this minute?!"
The boy replied, "Because, the FED EX delivery man was there yesterday
and
I think he wants to buy Mom!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of
the word "service" - "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant. Today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all
those "service" agencies are doing to us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid
Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned
the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold
winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young
families and young couples eating there that night. Some
of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more !"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for
their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall
and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it inhalf. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife
took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the
man began to eat his few bites of the hamburger the crowd
began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking, "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two
of them." As the man began to eat his French fries, one
young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything. Then the
crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something
to eat. This time the lady explained
that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no
longer. Again he came over to their table and offered
to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...."The teeth"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there
with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for,
so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the
duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.
And thank you for shopping at Walmart."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father and his 6 year-old son attended a horse auction. The father
decided to check out a horse prior to bidding. The father ran his
hands up and down the horse's legs, face, and rump.
The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replied, "I'm interested in buying this horse and I'm
checking it out." The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers and he
blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home now!"
The father was puzzled and asked him, "Why do we have to go home right
this minute?!"
The boy replied, "Because, the FED EX delivery man was there yesterday
and
I think he wants to buy Mom!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of
the word "service" - "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant. Today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all
those "service" agencies are doing to us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid
Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned
the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold
winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young
families and young couples eating there that night. Some
of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more !"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for
their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall
and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it inhalf. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife
took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the
man began to eat his few bites of the hamburger the crowd
began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking, "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two
of them." As the man began to eat his French fries, one
young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything. Then the
crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something
to eat. This time the lady explained
that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no
longer. Again he came over to their table and offered
to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...."The teeth"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there
with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for,
so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the
duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.
And thank you for shopping at Walmart."