Dear Diary...week of personal training at the local health c

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MULDOON

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Dear Diary...
>For my sixty-ninth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
>week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
>still in great shape since playing football 55 years ago, I decided it
>would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
>made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
>identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
>athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
>enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
>chart my progress.................
>
>Monday:
>
>Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
>worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
>me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
>and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
>me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
>She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
>next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful
>way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
>Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
>gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
>she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>Tuesday:
>
>I drank five cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
>made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she
>put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
>made the full kilometre.
>Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a
>whole new life for me.
>
>Wednesday:
>
>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
>hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
>or stop. I parked in an ACROD zone in the club parking lot. Belinda was
>impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
>Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
>scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
>when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
>the h**l would anyone invent a machine to simulate
>an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
>me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.
>
>Thursday:
>
>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
>thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
>a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
>to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
>the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
>the rowing machine - which I sank.
>
>Friday:
>
>I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
>other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
>little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
>unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
>my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
>floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs
>more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school
>you attended and graduated with honours.) The treadmill flung me off and
>I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
>someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>
>Saturday:
>
>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
>voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
>want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
>to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
>the Weather Channel.
>
>Sunday:
>
>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
>thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
>will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
 

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