Daily Joke

[Nesikep]

on the subject of golf...

Q Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A The order of "whack" and "F&*#"

 

[alisonb]

THE LAST DOLLAR

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 dollar coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the dollar coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's balls, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Income Tax Department..

 

[3waycross]

ONE WORD OR TWO

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with
each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided
it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,
leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?!

 

[slick4591]

Me thinks I would start violently coughing. :nod:
:lol2:

 

[Nesikep]

The last drop

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer from the big, burly bartender. As he's drinking his beer, he notices there's a big gallon jar stuffed full of money placed prominently with all the liquor bottles. Curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks the bartender "What's up with that jar of money". The bartender says "It's a bet, for $10, if you can squeeze another drop of juice from a lemon after I'm done with it, the money in the jar is yours"
So he give the bartender the $10 entry fee, the bartender squeezes a lemon until he couldn't get another drop out of it, and hands it to the man. By now a crowd had gathered to see this. The man clenches his fist, squeezes, and gets another 3 drops of juice from the lemon, thus winning the pot. He was then asked what he did for a living. He said "Oh, I work for the IRS"


Occupational Hazards
A man is in the lineup at the bank, one of those new lineups, the "common feeder" line, that's a mile long if you'd stretch it out. Suddenly the guy behind him starts massaging his shoulders. He jumps and turns around, saying "What the heck are you doing???". The man behind him says "Oh, I'm sorry, it's a bit of an occupational hazard you see, I'm a masseuse, and I saw that you were tense and uptight, I just couldn't help but try and do something about it".
"That's ludicrous, I work for the IRS, you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me now do you?"

 

[chrisy]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
Flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
Bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
Announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.

 

[Angus Guy]

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a

nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say

'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,

"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until a year later."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to

join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle

 

[Limomike]

Approximately 200 dead crows were found near Topeka, KS and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The authorities hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The ornithologist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow sit in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say was, "caw", but none could say "truck."

 

[TexasBred]

World Champion NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plan to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

 

[Limomike]

Subject: Historical digging

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later, the Tulsa World, a local newspaper in Oklahoma reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Poteau, Joe Bob, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Joe Bob has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Oklahoma had already gone wireless".



Okies are such a proud bunch

 

[slick4591]

 

[TexasBred]

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."

The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."


He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun!No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"

 

[Sir Loin]

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone.

They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance.

Finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged.

No sign of the missing men.They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear.

They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded."The Czech is in the male."
*************

Seymour Hiney invented of the mini skirt.

 

[Sir Loin]

Antartian Jokes

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

(Yo, mama!)

 

[cow pollinater]

A middle aged man was standing in line at the grocery store when a beautiful young blond woman waived at him and said "hello".
He asked, "Do I know you?" with a perplexed look on his face.
"You're the father of one of my kids!" she replied excitedly.
He thought about it for a minute and, with a horrified look on his face, said... "you must be that stripper that I nailed at my bachelor party!"
She replied, "No, I'm your son's english teacher..."

 

[AudieWyoming]

A middle aged man was standing in line at the grocery store when a beautiful young blond woman waived at him and said "hello".
He asked, "Do I know you?" with a perplexed look on his face.
"You're the father of one of my kids!" she replied excitedly.
He thought about it for a minute and, with a horrified look on his face, said... "you must be that stripper that I nailed at my bachelor party!"
She replied, "No, I'm your son's English teacher..."

Or it could have went something like this;

A middle aged man was standing in line at the grocery store when a beautiful young blond woman waived at him and said "hello".

He asked, "Do I know you?" with a perplexed look on his face.

"I think you are the the father of one of my kids!" she replied excitedly.

He thought about it for a minute and, with a horrified look on his face, said...

"you must be that stripper that I nailed at my bachelor party!"



"Well actually yes,............... I am surprised you remember,


but today I teach your son's English class. :hide: @

 

[TexasBred]

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold .

All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi Ho"

They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work" when they get a better deal from Obama.

 

[Sir Loin]

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse,and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
*******************************************************************************
Does anyone read these besides me? :???:
SL

 

[Sir Loin]

a gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read," Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said," You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."

 

[Sir Loin]

Hang-Gliding

In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding, but Bubba wanted to give it a try. He saved his money and bought a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin 'bout the good 'ol days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
*****************
(It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... Bubba.)