Daily Joke

[sim.-ang.king]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,
"We are invading the United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.


When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"




The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

 

[Sir Loin]

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son, A renowned surgeon, Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best and just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife.....'
---

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.
---
The older we get, the fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

---
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

***
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.

---
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.

---

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
---
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
---
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

---
Long ago
When men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
----

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going. 'The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her..What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, Blue eyes, Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

***

Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

 

[papavillars]

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
The bartender notices, and said where did you get that?
The parrot answered" over in Africa, there are millions of them.

 

[TexasBred]

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.


After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.


Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't "

 

[TexasBred]

A FARMER STOPPED BY THE LOCAL MECHANICS SHOP TO HAVE HIS TRUCK FIXED. THEY COULDN'T DO IT WHILE HE WAITED, SO HE SAID HE DIDN'T LIVE FAR AND WOULD JUST WALK HOME.

ON THE WAY HOME HE STOPPED AT THE HARDWARE STORE AND BOUGHT A BUCKET AND A GALLON OF PAINT. HE THEN STOPPED BY THE FEED STORE AND PICKED UP A COUPLE OF CHICKENS AND A GOOSE. HOWEVER, STRUGGLING OUTSIDE THE STORE HE NOW HAD A PROBLEM - HOW TO CARRY HIS ENTIRE PURCHASES HOME.

WHILE HE WAS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD HE WAS APPROACHED BY A LITTLE OLD LADY WHO TOLD HIM SHE WAS LOST. SHE ASKED, 'CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO 1603 MOCKINGBIRD LANE ?' THE FARMER SAID, 'WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY FARM IS VERY CLOSE TO THAT HOUSE I WOULD WALK YOU THERE BUT I CAN'T CARRY THIS LOT.' THE OLD LADY SUGGESTED, 'WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE CAN OF PAINT IN THE BUCKET. CARRY THE BUCKET IN ONE HAND, PUT A CHICKEN UNDER EACH ARM AND CARRY THE GOOSE IN YOUR OTHER HAND?' 'WHY THANK YOU VERY MUCH,' HE SAID AND PROCEEDED TO WALK THE OLD GIRL HOME.

ON THE WAY HE SAYS 'LET'S TAKE MY SHORT CUT AND GO DOWN THIS ALLEY. WE'LL BE THERE IN NO TIME.' THE LITTLE OLD LADY LOOKED HIM OVER CAUTIOUSLY THEN SAID, 'I AM A LONELY WIDOW WITHOUT A HUSBAND TO DEFEND ME.. HOW DO I KNOW THAT WHEN WE GET IN THE ALLEY YOU WON'T HOLD ME UP AGAINST THE WALL, PULL UP MY SKIRT, AND HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME?'

THE FARMER SAID, 'HOLY SMOKES LADY! I'M CARRYING A BUCKET, A GALLON OF PAINT, TWO CHICKENS, AND A GOOSE. HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I POSSIBLY HOLD YOU UP AGAINST THE WALL AND DO THAT?' THE OLD LADY REPLIED, 'SET THE GOOSE DOWN, COVER HIM WITH THE BUCKET, PUT THE PAINT ON TOP OF THE BUCKET, AND I'LL HOLD THE CHICKENS.' _________________

 

[Sir Loin]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

 

[Sir Loin]

‎9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the he77 is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Dag Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the he77 would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the dag floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the he77??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

 

[Sir Loin]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[colleen]

A good ol' South Texas minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

The ol' cowboy in the back row quickly raised his hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

[Sir Loin]

I was eating breakfast with my 13-year-old granddaughter and I asked her,

"What day is the 20th of February?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ..... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."



You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose………

 

[CKC1586]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ........
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 

[TexasBred]

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions:

First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, what the f&%k happened to Walter?"

 

[Sir Loin]

Subject: Even Dear Abby can't answer
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER.

-----------
Dear Abby - A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

(Does either of them look like Cpl. Klinger from MASH?)

-----------
Dear Abby - What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

-----------
Dear Abby - I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

(If he's cheating that much, are you sure your baby is yours?)

-----------
Dear Abby - I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

-----------
Dear Abby - I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

-----------
Dear Abby - Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

(Yeah, gotta be careful around members of that religion. Chop. Chop. )

-----------
Dear Abby - I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

(Out of the navy? Or out of the world?)

-----------
Dear Abby - My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

(Uh - yeah. )

-----------
Dear Abby - I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't even know he drank until one night he came home sober.

-----------
Dear Abby - My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

-----------
Dear Abby - You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

(Get a second opinion?)

 

[alisonb]

The Cake

Pat Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Pat took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Pat because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Pat found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Pat woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Pat was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Pat was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my," she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Pat lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Pat promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Pat did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Pat was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Pat's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Pat felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Pat, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Pat smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

 

[alisonb]

The helpful driver

Dan hated dogs, he hated them with a passion.

One morning Dan was driving his car down a busy street when to his surprise he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with 2 big dogs after him.

" I've just got to save this guy", thought Dan, and with that he quickly sped up along side of him, rolled down his window, and screamed "hurry, hop in!"

"Thanks!" said the fellow opening the door, "it's always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me!"

 

[alisonb]

A penny for your thoughts

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.

They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinking how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinking now?"

To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hoping ye hadn't forgotten the penny!"

:shock:

 

[chippie]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.

The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"

Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye the husband rushed over to the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

 

[Sir Loin]

One winter morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis , MN , were listening to WLTE 102.9 during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on
so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[chippie]

 

[alisonb]

:lol: :lol:

The Handsome Stranger

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips . . . . . . she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes and he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't Ya Just Love Shopping for Shoes!