TexasBred
Well-known member
"The Devil made me do it" as Flip Wilson use to say.......good one buddy.millstreaminn":2jqid1oz said:
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
- Start date
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Nesikep
Well-known member
The other half of the materials are forthcoming when he doesn't live up to election promises and expectationsmillstreaminn":2qronb1u said:
TexasBred
Well-known member
That will be up to congress. All he can do is sign or veto.Nesikep":2lew1afo said:The other half of the materials are forthcoming when he doesn't live up to election promises and expectationsmillstreaminn":2lew1afo said:
alisonb
Well-known member
D2Cat
Well-known member
This Baptist couple felt it important to own a equal Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At the kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the BIBLE, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed him off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well", they said, "Let's try it out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
They had been deceived!
He was Pentecostal !!
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed him off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well", they said, "Let's try it out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
They had been deceived!
He was Pentecostal !!
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
The doctor said, "Alfie, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one he!! of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Alfie was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But when he thought about it some more, he decided he'd rather be free of pain. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Alfie laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Alfie tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Alfie admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Alfie thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Alfie and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Alfie was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the man repeated.
Alfie tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Alfie walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Alfie thought for a moment, then said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Alfie laughed, "Aha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one he!! of a headache."
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one he!! of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Alfie was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But when he thought about it some more, he decided he'd rather be free of pain. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Alfie laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Alfie tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Alfie admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Alfie thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Alfie and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Alfie was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the man repeated.
Alfie tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Alfie walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Alfie thought for a moment, then said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Alfie laughed, "Aha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one he!! of a headache."
TexasBred
Well-known member
:clap: :clap: :lol: :lol: Good one Slick. :lol: :lol:
SIMMGAL
Well-known member
I'm sure everyone's heard this one before, but what do you call a cow with no legs?
GROUND beef! :lol: :lol:
:deadhorse:
I'll be here all week! :tiphat: :lol2:
GROUND beef! :lol: :lol:
:deadhorse:
I'll be here all week! :tiphat: :lol2:
TexasBred
Well-known member
No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved fulfillment. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:- 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should sort her out.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has a room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming event.
The husband smiles triumphantly, looks down at the young man and says to him, 'See that, you schmuck? That's how you wave a towel!'
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:- 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should sort her out.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has a room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming event.
The husband smiles triumphantly, looks down at the young man and says to him, 'See that, you schmuck? That's how you wave a towel!'
cowboy43
Well-known member
Was filling the truck up with gas , a deputy sheriff was behind me waiting in line, at the next pump over a guy was filling up when he lit up a cigarette and the gas exploded catching his arm on fire, he commenced jumping around and waving his burning arm in air, the deputy jumped out of his car with a fire extinguisher and extinguished the fire. The deputy then cuffed him and arrested him. I then politely asked the deputy why he arrested him. The Deputy responded, I arrested him for waving a firearm in the air. :hide:
TexasBred
Well-known member
Who pays the Checker ?
There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.
If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?
What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?
Want to guess their motto ...........???
"If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"
There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.
If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?
What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?
Want to guess their motto ...........???
"If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"
alisonb
Well-known member
:lol: :lol:WORANCH":wpjugj4o said:
Named'em Tamed'em
Well-known member
TexasBred":2mia1pm8 said:
A whole bunch of memberships were cancelled at the local YMCA do to this BS :bs:
No Joke!!
Ouachita
Well-known member
Preface; Mattis is the new Secretary of Defense. I just read this on an aviation forum.....
"You think?
When asked what he thought about General Mattis being named Secretary of Defense, Rob O'Neill (the man who killed Osama Bin Laden) said,"General Mattis has a bear rug in his home but it is not dead - it is just afraid to move".
(Chuck Norris approved this message)"
"You think?
When asked what he thought about General Mattis being named Secretary of Defense, Rob O'Neill (the man who killed Osama Bin Laden) said,"General Mattis has a bear rug in his home but it is not dead - it is just afraid to move".
(Chuck Norris approved this message)"
greybeard
Well-known member
The General's toilet does not flush.
He scares the turds out of it.
He scares the turds out of it.
TexasBred
Well-known member
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.
Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $200. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant, from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $200. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant, from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Dave
Well-known member
If women with big breasts get hired at Hooters, where do one legged women get hired?
Ihop
Ihop
greybeard
Well-known member
:hide:
farmerjan
Well-known member
:roll: :roll: Really....Dave":6bhxxhkz said:
