Daily Joke

[TexasBred]

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Enticed by the job title, he went in and asked the clerk for details of the position.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave the patiens, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $125,000, and, if you are interested in the job, you'll have to travel to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

 

[HDRider]

Fuuuuuuuuuuuunny

 

[OwnedByTheCow]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

 

[Cross-7]

So I'm sitting in the bar across from two very large women.
I say " very cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland "
They yell " Wales you idiot"
So I ok I ask "are you two whales from Scotland "

 

[TexasBred]

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.

She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss,

I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes.

I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.

I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,

* a company pickup truck,

* a king size bed and

* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

[Cross-7]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chicken

 

[Nesikep]

So I'm sitting in the bar across from two very large women.
I say " very cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland "
They yell " Wales you idiot"
So I ok I ask "are you two whales from Scotland "

And you live to tell the story???

 

[TexasBred]

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"




"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled

 

[lavacarancher]

I got stopped the other day for driving 85 in a 55 MPH zone. When the sheriff walked up beside the truck I asked him if he knew why I was driving so fast. He said no, but it did bother him. I told him my first ex-wife ran off with a sheriff from Harris county and I thought you were bringing her back.

You pick the county and this joke works, by the way. I've gotten off three times.

 

[Cross-7]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off, hit a cracking drive, and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please let me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

"Oh, no, don't touch it! Maybe the swelling will go down in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "There. Now how does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken

 

[midTN_Brangusman]

Slick, Cross and TB, those are some goodens!

 

[Son of Butch]

I got stopped the other day for driving 85 in a 55 MPH zone. When the sheriff walked up beside the truck
I asked him if he knew why I was driving so fast. He said no, but it did bother him.
I told him my first ex-wife ran off with a sheriff from Harris county and I thought you were bringing her back.
You pick the county and this joke works, by the way. I've gotten off three times.

That's a good one.
I apparently found out the wrong answer when stopped for speeding....
he: Sir, do you know why I stopped you?
me: Because real criminals are too much work to catch?
Did not go over well.

 

[tater74]

Walk With Me While I Age


I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER






































**** ......


I forgot the words

 

[slick4591]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[Nesikep]

Walk With Me While I Age


I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER





be nice ......


I forgot the words

When is Alzheimer Awareness week???

 

[Cross-7]

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican
presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans
who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, obey the law,
and live according to the U.S. Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, pampered
athletes, movie stars, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields
at night.
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that
they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many
art-history majors does one country need?

 

[Son of Butch]

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps.....
"After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

Just another bleeding :heart: posting

The Khmer Rouge (led by Pol Pot) showed it was a waste of time taking educated professionals and intellectuals
to re-education camps and just shoot 'em all. The educated only interfere with plans when consolidating power
or turn into snitches afterwards.

 

[Nesikep]

We have absolutely enough liberal arts degrees here as it is!

 

[wbvs58]

Walk With Me While I Age


I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER





be nice ......


I forgot the words

When is Alzheimer Awareness week???

I've forgotten.

Ken

 

[TexasBred]

1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People'


2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6..I hate sex in the movies.Tried it once.The seat folded up,the drink spilled and that ice,well,it really chilled the mood.

7..It used to be only death and taxes. Now,of course,there's shipping and handling,too.


8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9..My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10.. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.


Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel.. because those that matter, don't mind...and those that mind... don't matter!