Daily Joke

[Nesikep]

The Irish & others....

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...



A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...



Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...



Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...



I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69...



Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says" I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...



After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full...

 

[TexasBred]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

-------------------------------------

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

---------------------------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda. No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

--------------------------------------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he request, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that dam gun…'"

-------------------------------------------

AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[TexasBred]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k."

 

[slick4591]

 

[TexasBred]

A Kiwi man in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is honking the horn.

 

[RanchMan90]

Ha. And remember baa means no

 

[CowboyBlue]

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day.

 

[CowboyBlue]

Me Uncle Paddy came back from mass this morning with a blacked eye and a bloody nose.
Says I, "Uncle Paddy, what became of your eye, and how did it come to be blacked at church?"
"Ah, nephew," says he, "it was all a grave misunderstanding, it was. I was in the pew behind Maggie O'Sullivan, and well you know her and her red head. Her lovely dress was tucked into the crack of her bum, and wanting to spare the poor lass some embarrassment, I reached forward and pulled it out from the bottom of the hem of the skirt. Then it was that she whirled and cuffed me eye."
"Ah, I see," says I, "a misunderstanding, indeed. But what of your nose?"
"Knowing I'd done wrong, I tried to put the dress back where I found it."

 

[slick4591]

 

[D2Cat]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

[TexasBred]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one be nice of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. be nice, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "be nice, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: :clap:

 

[TexasBred]

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
Fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

 

[Rafter S]

Speaking of getting older, I heard a new one today. "Most of us spend the first 40 years of our lives trying to kill ourselves, and the next 40 trying to stay alive."

 

[D2Cat]

I had a man tell me when I was about 22 years old, "How you live the first half of your life, will determine the quality of the second half." Quite true he was!

 

[Nesikep]

THE BLONDE AND THE COW


A blonde city girl, named Amy, marries a Colorado rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher

says to Amy: "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate

one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above

where the cow's stall is, in the barn. Please show him where the

cow is when he gets here, OK?"


The rancher leaves for the fields.


After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks

on the front door.


Amy takes him down to the barn.


They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,

she tells him, "This is the one right here."


The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks,
"Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that

this is the right cow to be bred?"


"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,"

she explains very confidently.


Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell,

is the nail for?"

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

 

[Nesikep]

A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twat. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he's screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."

 

[bbirder]

 

[TexasBred]

The inventor of Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.


At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.


God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'


Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'


God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'


Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'


'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some majordesign flaws in your invention! For example,


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'


God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.


The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.


'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 

[bbirder]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one TB!

 

[millstreaminn]

I heard the other day that Trump already has 1/2 the materials he needs to build the wall. When he won the election, all the democrats shyt a brick.