Daily Joke

[3waycross]

Italian Sex

The Jewish man said,
"Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),
we made passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted,
"Last week when my wife and I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter.
We then made passionate love
and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"

The Italian man said,
"Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil.
We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked,
"What could you have possibly done,
to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Italian man said,
"I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

 

[Lon]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

:lol2: :lol2: This has got to be one of my favorite ones yet.

 

[Lon]

Italian Sex

The Jewish man said,
"Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),
we made passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted,
"Last week when my wife and I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter.
We then made passionate love
and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"

The Italian man said,
"Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil.
We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked,
"What could you have possibly done,
to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Italian man said,
"I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

This would be hillariouse if it didnt sound so much like my wife. Every time i turn around she has a reason that she needs to buy a new comforter.

 

[TexasBred]

INTERNET WARNING: CHECKED VIA SNOPES And other sources................

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"

don't open it.........

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi


:cry2: :cry2:

 

[Isomade]

INTERNET WARNING: CHECKED VIA SNOPES And other sources................

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"

don't open it.........

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi


:cry2: :cry2:

:yuck: :yuck: :yuck: :yuck:

 

[ANAZAZI]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

 

[slick4591]

 

[CKC1586]

A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the upper range to mend fencing and check on the cattle.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks,'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
;-)

 

[alisonb]

:lol: :lol: :lol: - to the last couple of jokes!!

 

[john250]

If you've ever tried to make a decent cig with roll your owns, you'd understand the guy. I'd have brought the lady some nails and some leather so she could make her own SHOES. That would have been revenge.

 

[TexasBred]

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting senior citizens (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you. T

hen it dawned on me ... oh, crap...I'll see you on the bus!

 

[TexasBred]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"


The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "

 

[Nesikep]

A guy is out at a bar, when he meets a beautiful woman, who is a teacher, one thing leads to another and he ends up at her house, in bed... After, he quickly asks her if she has any chalk, and asks her to smudge up his shirt and pants with it.

The man then returns to his angry wife, who demands an explanation why he is getting home at 3 AM, and he says "You see, I was at the bar when I met a wonderful teacher, one thing led to another and then we made passionate love most of the night"
The wife says "YOU LIAR, YOU WERE OUT PLAYING DARTS ALL NIGHT"


I just thought of this one since I was just out playing darts with the league

 

[CKC1586]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment. '

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth. '

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

 

[slick4591]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment. '

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth. '

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

:lol2: :clap:

 

[slick4591]

Posted for someone a little bashful.

What's your profession?

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks "What's your occupation?".

"I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Perhaps we should try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[Nesikep]

Y'know, it's really nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day

Y'know, it's good to have someone who takes care of you and does your laundry, etc

Y'know, it's important to have someone who you can trust with your deep dark secrets

Y'know, it's essential to have someone that you're attracted to sexually

Y'know, it's *ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE* that these people don't know about each other!!

 

[CKC1586]

Old Butch:
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young

layers (hens), called

'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


He kept records, and any

rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to


his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which

rooster was performing.


Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just

listening to the bells.


John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this

morning he noticed old Butch's

bell hadn't rung at all!


When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing

pullets, bells-a-ringing,

but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't

ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence

County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece

Prize," but they also awarded

him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a

politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on

our planet by being the best at

sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they

weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible.

 

[slick4591]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

 

[WORANCH]

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'