Calman
Well-known member
ALACOWMAN":17xlstp2 said:chrisy":17xlstp2 said:alisonb":17xlstp2 said:
ida just flipped him and the chair over a beat em back though with a hammer :cowboy:
Hot dam I'll bet that would hurt. :lol: :lol:
Cal
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- Thread starter slick4591
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Hot dam I'll bet that would hurt. :lol: :lol:
Cal
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
ALACOWMAN
Well-known member
Mezcans are like a Visa card................. """we're everywhere you want to be""
cow pollinater
Well-known member
A husband and wife with two young kids were growing frustrated about their sex life. They decided that they needed a code word for love making so that they could talk about it in front of the kids. They settled on "do the dishes" since every night after dinner they would work together to load the dishwasher.
The following day the husband asked when they could do the dishes... Nothing happened.
The next day he mentioned that the dishes were piling up but he was waived off by a busy wife.
The day after that he begged her to help him do the dishes and was again declined.
On night number four while both kids were asleep she cuddled up next to him and asked if he was ready to do the dishes. He said "forget it,I already washed them by hand."
The following day the husband asked when they could do the dishes... Nothing happened.
The next day he mentioned that the dishes were piling up but he was waived off by a busy wife.
The day after that he begged her to help him do the dishes and was again declined.
On night number four while both kids were asleep she cuddled up next to him and asked if he was ready to do the dishes. He said "forget it,I already washed them by hand."
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives,
and we played all through High School
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me
know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, were all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives,
and we played all through High School
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me
know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, were all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
cow pollinater
Well-known member
Bob finally pushes it to hard and dies and goes to H***. Apon his arival he's greeted by the devil himself. "Welcome to H*** my friend" said the devil cheerfully.
"Do you like to eat, Bob?" the devil asks. "YEAH!" was the enthusiastic response from Bob. "you're going to LOVE Sundays... we feast until we puke and then get up and do it all over again." said the devil
The questions about Bob's likes continued and included drugs and booze and gambling and other vices and it seemed there was a day of gluttony for each. Bob was just starting to think this was his kind of place when the devil asked "How about gay sex Bob, are you into rough gay sex?" "NOOO, not at all!" was Bob's reply. "OUCH...welcome to H*** my freind... You are going to HATE Saturdays."
"Do you like to eat, Bob?" the devil asks. "YEAH!" was the enthusiastic response from Bob. "you're going to LOVE Sundays... we feast until we puke and then get up and do it all over again." said the devil
The questions about Bob's likes continued and included drugs and booze and gambling and other vices and it seemed there was a day of gluttony for each. Bob was just starting to think this was his kind of place when the devil asked "How about gay sex Bob, are you into rough gay sex?" "NOOO, not at all!" was Bob's reply. "OUCH...welcome to H*** my freind... You are going to HATE Saturdays."
A
Anonymous
A liberal, a conservative, and a moderate walk into a bar. Bartender says,
" hey M**t, what'll it be?"
" hey M**t, what'll it be?"
CKC1586
Well-known member
COFFEE HURTSI was eating lunch on the 12th of January with my 7-year-oldgranddaughter, and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"She said "It's President's Day!"She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of theWhite House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
Crazy Farmgirl
Well-known member
A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomy's. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are yo...u doing? To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task. The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job. The black man, surprised too, asks, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says, "That sir, is the difference between
ObamaCare & Blue Cross /Blue Shield.!!! ; )
ObamaCare & Blue Cross /Blue Shield.!!! ; )
TexasBred
Well-known member
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier..........................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
18-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier..........................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
18-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
A
Anonymous
What's 6 inches long and wont be getting sucked this valentines day?
Whitney's crack pipe
Whitney's crack pipe
ALACOWMAN
Well-known member
dam!! you cold blooded :cowboy:hooknline":35hh5gjh said:
Kathie in Thorp
Well-known member
Courtesy of my brother Pat (Yup, I have a bunch of brothers!!)
Subject: the ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
Subject: the ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
cow pollinater
Well-known member
How can you tell when a blondes having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil.
cow pollinater
Well-known member
I know a ninety-four year old man. He has to be escorted whenever he goes anywhere both because he'll get into trouble and because he has a hard time remembering where he is.
We walked into a conveniance store to get the old man a can of copenhagen. He bought his can and then told the pretty girl behind the counter, "I got sumthin' in my pocket that's six inches long that a girl like you would just go crazy to get her hands on and I'll give it to you if you want it..." He waited until he could see the shock all over her face before he pulled a doller bill out and gave it to her.
We walked into a conveniance store to get the old man a can of copenhagen. He bought his can and then told the pretty girl behind the counter, "I got sumthin' in my pocket that's six inches long that a girl like you would just go crazy to get her hands on and I'll give it to you if you want it..." He waited until he could see the shock all over her face before he pulled a doller bill out and gave it to her.
Angus Cowman
Well-known member
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2008
- Messages
- 7,157
- Reaction score
- 5
Isom went to Alaska Bear hunting and sure enough shoots him a black bear he is so excited
when he feels this tap on his shoulder and it is a brown bear and he says Isom that was my cousin you shot and I am going to give you 2 choices
I am either gonna eat you or we are going to have bear sex
well Isom thinks bear sex must be better than dieing so he chooses that
well in a few seconds you hear flesh tearing,Isom screaming and theres blood everywhere
3 weeks later ol Isom wakes up in the hospital and swears he is gonna kill that bear
so he goes bear hunting again and finds and shoots that brown bear at which time he feels a tap on his shoulder and it is a big ol Grizzly bear and he says Isom you just shot my cousin and I am gonna give ya 2 choices bear sex or I am gonna eat you
Isom think well I lived thru it once and it surely has to be better than dieing and says the sex it is a few seconds later there is horrific screams,bllod flying and flesh tearing
this time he wakes up in the hospital 6 weeks later and swears he is gonna kill that bear
so when he gets out he goes back looking for the Grizz and finds him and shoots him when all of a sudden he feels this tap on his shoulder again and it is a big ol Polar bear
and he says to Isom
YOU DON"T COME UP HERE FOR THE HUNTING DO YA :tiphat:
when he feels this tap on his shoulder and it is a brown bear and he says Isom that was my cousin you shot and I am going to give you 2 choices
I am either gonna eat you or we are going to have bear sex
well Isom thinks bear sex must be better than dieing so he chooses that
well in a few seconds you hear flesh tearing,Isom screaming and theres blood everywhere
3 weeks later ol Isom wakes up in the hospital and swears he is gonna kill that bear
so he goes bear hunting again and finds and shoots that brown bear at which time he feels a tap on his shoulder and it is a big ol Grizzly bear and he says Isom you just shot my cousin and I am gonna give ya 2 choices bear sex or I am gonna eat you
Isom think well I lived thru it once and it surely has to be better than dieing and says the sex it is a few seconds later there is horrific screams,bllod flying and flesh tearing
this time he wakes up in the hospital 6 weeks later and swears he is gonna kill that bear
so when he gets out he goes back looking for the Grizz and finds him and shoots him when all of a sudden he feels this tap on his shoulder again and it is a big ol Polar bear
and he says to Isom
YOU DON"T COME UP HERE FOR THE HUNTING DO YA :tiphat:
Kathie in Thorp":2s9mlq79 said:
Feel free to joke at the expense of dumb swedish people! Now if I could just find a twist for this little comment, to prove that I in fact missunderstood the joke, so people could see how accurate this description is, but I can not come up with anything, which rater proves my point... .. I mean get that part with the blonde and that little fellow, but what has the ventilist to do with it?
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
cross_7
Well-known member
Guy comes home from work and sees a Gorilla on the roof of his house. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough 'gorilla removal' is right there. He calls the number and within half an hour the guy shows up in a white cube van. He asses' the situation and "yup, theres a gorilla on your roof, let me unload my stuff and i'll have him down in no time". The guy watches him unload a latter, a net, a pitbull and a shotgun. He asks the man what all the stuff is for and the man tells him.
"Well, I use the ladder to climb up on the roof. I'll wrestle the gorilla and throw him off the roof, this pitbull is trained to grab the gorilla by the groin and not let go until I've thrown the net on him and got him in the back of the truck." The guy looks at all the 'gear' and does a checklist, then he asks "well, whats the shotgun for then?" The man hands it to him and answers "If I get up there and that gorilla throws me off the roof you shoot that pitbull"
"Well, I use the ladder to climb up on the roof. I'll wrestle the gorilla and throw him off the roof, this pitbull is trained to grab the gorilla by the groin and not let go until I've thrown the net on him and got him in the back of the truck." The guy looks at all the 'gear' and does a checklist, then he asks "well, whats the shotgun for then?" The man hands it to him and answers "If I get up there and that gorilla throws me off the roof you shoot that pitbull"
cross_7
Well-known member
An old Prospector, living way out in the middle of no where, is surprised, when there's a knock at his door, late one night. When he opens the door, there stands a big, burrly Mountain Man.
"Howdy neighbor" the Mountain Man says.
"Neighbor, I didn't realize I had any neighbors" the old prospector replies.
"Oh yeah, I just live over that Mountain, 3 or 4 miles, and thought I'd come by, and invite you to a Party I'm having next Saturday night, around 6:00" grins the Mountain Man.
" A PARTY! Why that's mighty neighborly of you. Of course I'll be there" says the old Prospector.
"Great" says the Mountain Man, "but I should probably warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking"
"That's OK, I haven't had a bottle in a year, I could sure use a stiff drink" says the old man.
"And, I should tell you, there is going to be a lot of fighting and crying" replies the Mountain Man.
"Well, don't you worry about me" says the old Man.
"And, there's going to be a lot of sex involved" explains the Mountain Man.
"OH BOY!" grins the old Man. "I don't know about you, but it's been a long time for me. What should I wear?
"Oh, that ain't important" grins the Mountain Man. "It's just going to be You, and Me"
"Howdy neighbor" the Mountain Man says.
"Neighbor, I didn't realize I had any neighbors" the old prospector replies.
"Oh yeah, I just live over that Mountain, 3 or 4 miles, and thought I'd come by, and invite you to a Party I'm having next Saturday night, around 6:00" grins the Mountain Man.
" A PARTY! Why that's mighty neighborly of you. Of course I'll be there" says the old Prospector.
"Great" says the Mountain Man, "but I should probably warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking"
"That's OK, I haven't had a bottle in a year, I could sure use a stiff drink" says the old man.
"And, I should tell you, there is going to be a lot of fighting and crying" replies the Mountain Man.
"Well, don't you worry about me" says the old Man.
"And, there's going to be a lot of sex involved" explains the Mountain Man.
"OH BOY!" grins the old Man. "I don't know about you, but it's been a long time for me. What should I wear?
"Oh, that ain't important" grins the Mountain Man. "It's just going to be You, and Me"
