Daily Joke

[Grandpa]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

[3waycross]

Courtesy of my brother Pat (Yup, I have a bunch of brothers!!)

Subject: the ventriloquist


A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little be nice on your lap."

Feel free to joke at the expense of dumb swedish people! Now if I could just find a twist for this little comment, to prove that I in fact missunderstood the joke, so people could see how accurate this description is, but I can not come up with anything, which rater proves my point... .. I mean get that part with the blonde and that little fellow, but what has the ventilist to do with it?
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

:tiphat: :tiphat: :tiphat: :clap:

 

[3waycross]

Letter to a men's helpline...
Hi Jim, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

[chippie]

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the old gentleman walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. At his follow-up visit the doctor said to the man,"you're really doing great, aren't you. The man replied," just doing what what you said doctor., " get a hot mamma and be cheerful,"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, " you got a heart murmur. be careful."

 

[VAAngus]

Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out of the
window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.
Then sell my new car that you gave me.
Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that. What she actually said was.....






"Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign.

 

[backhoeboogie]

Some folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Pennsylvania, And Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC

 

[3waycross]

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

 

[TexasBred]

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

:lol2: :lol2: This thread is about jokes 3 way..you done come out and told the gospel truth. :clap:

 

[TexasBred]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....



English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German lch Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
Thai Phom rak khun
Italian Ti amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar
Alabama Arkansas Kansas Oklahoma Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Idaho Missouri Mississippi Montana Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Kentucky parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

 

[Ouachita]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....



English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German lch Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
Thai Phom rak khun
Italian Ti amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar
Alabama Arkansas Kansas Oklahoma Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Idaho Missouri Mississippi Montana Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Kentucky parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

:lol: :lol: Yep, it works, and we're still married, and it's still NICE :banana:

 

[slick4591]

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

 

[slick4591]

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on
the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

 

[Running Arrow Bill]

Some folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Pennsylvania, And Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC

SO VERY TRUE! Love it! :cowboy:

 

[3waycross]

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on
the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

I keep telling myself I will not laugh at this joke.........so far it ain't working!

 

[3waycross]

For Chrisy since she likes EYEtalian jokes..... ;-) :lol2:
The Amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his rather large member and smashed all three with three mighty swings. The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." Naturally he couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were displayed on the table. The Italian stood before them as usual; dropped his pants, and deftly smashed the three coconuts -- The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well, said the Italian, my eyes aren't what they used to be."

 

[slick4591]

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on
the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

I keep telling myself I will not laugh at this joke.........so far it ain't working!

I wouldn't have posted it if it weren't for a paraplegic friend that told it to me. Sometime ya just gotta laugh.

 

[TexasBred]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

 

[ALACOWMAN]

2 mezcans are riding in a car together,,, which one is driving????????

the cop :cowboy:

al sharpton and a mezcan decide to jump off a roof together..which one hits the ground first??

who cares

 

[chippie]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

 

[slick4591]