DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very care fully,' the divorce court
judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears an d asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a
few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in
the name of good GOD are you doing?'**
**I told him I was a light bulb.** **
**He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And
where do you think you're going?!'* *
*
**She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark**.**'*
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!