This should be posted on coffe shop or

[JHH]

I looked up divorce on here because my wife has given up. After fighting for several days and no sleep and cant eat I am sitting here looking for answer's. Then It hit me. I have so caught up in everthing I have competly shut her out. She has been going to a friends house and has been staying longer and longer. (female friend) I see them and I dont care for her friend. She lives off of the system as I call it and I just keep shking my head and go about my day. Any way this friend is divorced and her ex husband is over there all the time. I question this and she says he is just here with his ex for his kids. ( female friend also has a boy friend there all the time) I can see the writing on the wall and get mad. I ask her what is so important over there. She says nothing just has fun over there. ( kids have been with her the whole time so I think and my 15 yr old also thinks nothing is going on). Like I said after sitting up and cant eat, sleep I came to the conclusion that I have been the biggest cause of all this. I dont do anything with her any more. Money has been tight so we dont go out any more. I have been putting off my family to work and make that extra buck to help pay bills. I am now thinking I should have been taking some time with my wife. How it got this way is very clear now, but was clear as mud 4 days ago. I got caught up in the daily life and she got caught up in going to neighbors with her ex husband. I really dont think anything has happened and she swears they havent but she refuse's to work things out after 16 years and two kids. i am trying to talk with her today and tell her how I feel and see. I dont know that I could handle letting her go over there with them again and trust her after I have found this out. Trust is hard when you get told this kind of thing.

While I know you guys are not councilers I just dont know how I let it go so wrong.

Just posted here because this gets most traffic

 

[KNERSIE]

A sausage has two ends, don't take all the blame on yourself.

 

[JHH]

A sausage has two ends, don't take all the blame on yourself.

Yes it does. I just need to know if she is willing to try still after 16 years or if she is DONE. It will take some comprimise on both parts. Going to talk with her and her mother and aunt today. I think I may be making progress but I really wont know till we get together and talk again. She has shut me out as well as her mother and other family.

We are going together today to talk to her mom and aunt. I am hoping she isnt willing to let go after she talks with them and me. If she isnt willing it will tear a 4 yr old and a 15 year old apart at the seems. I dont want her to just stay for them, she has to want to try.

Communication,

 

[hillsdown]

Sorry you are going through this . Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever encounter in your life and be successful at ,as it take 2 people with the same commitment to make it work.

Best of luck .

 

[BILL CLAYLAND]

Man, You have got to get out of your own head!
Stop blaming yourself! I know a women can drive a Man mad
and jealousy is the worst human character trait.
Pull up your boot straps and be solid for your kids!

 

[TexasBred]

Sorry you are going through this . Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever encounter in your life and be successful at ,as it take 2 people with the same commitment to make it work.

Best of luck .

Takes two to save a marriage as well. Unless both sides are willing to make changes counseling or anything else is a total waste of time. Hope things work out for you.

 

[JHH]

She is to narrow minded to care I believe. I want to say more but I know better.

 

[jedstivers]

If she has shut others out look for something else wrong. Also if times have been tough and your trying to make a living for your family she should be supportive of you not leave and hang out somewhere else. Some of these women aren't the kind lots of us grew up with. The kind mothers an grandmothers were, now don't you good women take that wrong. Not a slight to the good ones but there are some now that really don't get the big picture.

 

[Brandonm22]

You need to go to marriage counseling. Talking to Mom and the Aunt to try to get them to take your side is likely to do more harm than good. You are making very strong accusations (the worst of which COULD actually be true or could be insane paranoia on your part....). That you are even willing to voice such suspicions out loud shows the severity of the issues we are talking about here. Counseling is not a cure all but it is the best bet left. If you can't talk her into going to a marriage counselor at this point, you need to clam up and go to an attorney to discuss the situation so you don't get caught flat footed in this.

 

[cow pollinater]

My wife and I got pretty close to divorce a few years ago and I was in your shoes. I figured it was probably me working to much and she was happy to tell me that everything wrong in our lives was really all my fault. She said that if I wanted her to stay I had to go to counciling to get myself fixed. We started with marriage counciling so that she could tell the shrink what all was wrong with me so I could start changing...
My marriage took a dramatic turn for the better at the exact moment in time that our counciler explained to my wife that she needed to see my wife one on one for a while because as the counciler saw it my wife wasn't capable of being happily married until she dealt with her own issues. My wife literally had a panic attack and nearly wound up in the hospital. Things are alot better now and as it turns out, I'm not Satan but I do have to remember to smile at her and tell her she's pretty every once in a while. Now she is like a new wife, back to being my girlfriend. Tough times just made us stronger.

Ask her to join you in counciling. If she won't go, go by yourself and keep records just in case it turns ugly. That way you can prove you're trying to make things better instead of a finger pointing competition.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Be true to yourself and her until she's no longer yours. If she wants to go outside of marriage, it's her sin and not yours. Don't follow her example.

 

[Isomade]

My wife and I got pretty close to divorce a few years ago and I was in your shoes. I figured it was probably me working to much and she was happy to tell me that everything wrong in our lives was really all my fault. She said that if I wanted her to stay I had to go to counciling to get myself fixed. We started with marriage counciling so that she could tell the shrink what all was wrong with me so I could start changing...
My marriage took a dramatic turn for the better at the exact moment in time that our counciler explained to my wife that she needed to see my wife one on one for a while because as the counciler saw it my wife wasn't capable of being happily married until she dealt with her own issues. My wife literally had a panic attack and nearly wound up in the hospital. Things are alot better now and as it turns out, I'm not Satan but I do have to remember to smile at her and tell her she's pretty every once in a while. Now she is like a new wife, back to being my girlfriend. Tough times just made us stronger.

Ask her to join you in counciling. If she won't go, go by yourself and keep records just in case it turns ugly. That way you can prove you're trying to make things better instead of a finger pointing
competition.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Be true to yourself and her until she's no longer yours. If she wants to go outside of marriage, it's her sin and not yours. Don't follow her example.

Good advice. And your marriage councilor sounds FREAKING AWESOME :lol:

 

[I luv herfrds]

Sorry to hear this JHH.

Hubby and I also had trouble over the years over several issues. I almost left a few times with the kids and did leave one night and the kids and I spent the night elsewhere.
We came back and hubby and I went to see a counseler. That really helped us out.

We still have our fights at times.

I hope she agrees to go, but if not like it has been said go by yourself.

Remember we are all here for you.

 

[JHH]

Sorry to hear this JHH.

Hubby and I also had trouble over the years over several issues. I almost left a few times with the kids and did leave one night and the kids and I spent the night elsewhere.
We came back and hubby and I went to see a counseler. That really helped us out.

We still have our fights at times.

I hope she agrees to go, but if not like it has been said go by yourself.

Remember we are all here for you.

Thanks. Thinking of this right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JANcTGe2AXo

 

[JHH]

Sounds like I drink because of all the songs. I havent had a drink for a very long time. I may go to a friends house and talk with him for awhile. I doubt I will drink because it affects me badly now. I cant hardly move the next day even if I only have 2 beers.

 

[VanC]

Sounds like I drink because of all the songs. I havent had a drink for a very long time. I may go to a friends house and talk with him for awhile. I doubt I will drink because it affects me badly now. I cant hardly move the next day even if I only have 2 beers.

I wish I could give you some decent advice, but I can't. My wife and I have never had any major problems like what you're talking about. I do know it takes a lot of work from both people and I do know that drinking will only make things worse. You need a clear head to get things straightened out. I wish you the best.

 

[cowman]

Good Luck JHH

 

[JHH]

Good Luck JHH

Thanks but I think we are done. Oldest wants to stay with me. All I have to say is wow I didnt see all this coming. i suppose because I didnt want to.

 

[JSCATTLE]

I am actually going through a divorce right now. I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old both boys. About 3 years ago I drank a lot and worked 60 hours a week. Wife wasn't happy . And after the youngest was born he was real sick and she got post partum depression . We went to counseling and I quit drinking . Things got better for a while and now she says I'm perfect BUT.... now she has to much resentment .. some days are ok but the smallest thing like where I put my boots sets her off . She started threatening divorce . I decided to go hire a lawyer because nothing is gonna make her happy .... I really don't want to hurt the kids but not much else to be done ...the first time all this started was horrible ... I lost 30 lbs couldn't sleep etc.... but that's not good .go talk to a councillor if not for yall do it for your self.... start being what she says she wants and she will come around... if you think something is going on with another guy . Start checking the cell phone records .....a woman wont leave with out someone to fall back on emotionally .

 

[High Cotton]

JHH,
I feel your pain. I'm been through what you going through minus the kids. We weren't even married a year and I found some messages on Facebook that married women don't send people they work with. Called her out on it, but she denied. I had already saved the message. She said she wants to work it out. I said I'm willing to try and make things works. She said that I havent paid her much attention lately. I will admit that I had been busy between the 7-3:30, cutting yards, and working on the farm. Sheesh I was trying to pay the bills and help pay her school loans off. Things seem to be going ok. I get that uneasy feeling again so I go to looking at the phone bill. She texts this number something like 2000 times that month. That's more than she texts me. She's never had girl friends she's talked to that much. I ask her about it. She says it a girl she works with. I said ok if it's just a girl you work with you won't mind if I call and talk to her for a second. I was half way done dialing the number when she broke down. We decieded to go to conseling. It's wasn't as bad as I expected. I was expecting to be told it was all my fault and that I work to much. I didn't get railroaded. The conselor didn't play the blame game. It helped us a lot. That's been about 6 months ago. I have been doing better about making time for her. I also include her in the farm jobs if I can. My hardest hurdle to overcome was the letting it go. If ya'll decide to make it work you both have to move on. There can't be 24 questions everytime she goes some where with out you. If she wants to work it out she will tell you what she's doing because she knows you have your doubts. I will still look at the phone bill from time to time but I never mention it. This is been a long hard road for me. I feel for anyone walking the same one. I came from a broken home and was hell bent on not doing the same to my kids if and when I have them.
Randy

 

[slick4591]

My heart goes out to those having marriage problems as I've been there a few times myself. I've heard where you want to stay together for the sake of the kids, but the truth is you usually do them more harm by staying together and putting them through all the crap that goes on when a couple is having serious problems. I agree that one or both people involved would benefit from counseling, but to save a marriage both have to go into it with the same goal or it never works. Best of luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.