Parents of teenagers....advice please.

[Wisteria Farms]

I've waited and waited and waited...

Daughter won't move on from boyfriend...and its driving me crazy.

 

[angie2]

Gosh, that is hard. How old are they?

 

[Wisteria Farms]

She is in several activities (Band, 4H, Soccer, Hockey)
He does nothing.
She drives a real nice car (that she worked for)
He likes riding his bicycle.
She wants to be a General Contractor
He said one time he wanted to be a talk show host.
She is very outgoing and fun
He can't carry a conversation with a rock.
She is a slob (hey she's not perfect)
He's a neat freak that critisizes his mother for being lazy.
She considers peoples feelings
He cuts her down (I think its his own self esteem)

Will let you digest that before I add more.

 

[Wisteria Farms]

Gosh, that is hard. How old are they?

Sorry, Angie2... I was still venting...haha.
She is 16 1/2 and he is 17 1/2

By the way, my name is Angie too!

 

[Wisteria Farms]

This post is due to us having another argument tonight. I've always told her I wouldn't let her spend all of her high school years (she's a junior) with one boy.

Well, two years later I've had about enough of him and am getting the typical "Don't you want me to be happy" and "lots of people are together all through high school".

 

[Hippie Rancher]

Bottom line is you haven't waited long enough. Not much you can do. Speaking not as parent of teens (am one) but as the dumb @ss girl with the loser boyfriends. She WILL eventually figure it out, but there is NOTHING you can do but be there.

 

[angie2]

I sit here looking at this. I don't know what to tell you, except that you are not alone :roll:

 

[Wisteria Farms]

Bottom line is you haven't waited long enough. Not much you can do. Speaking not as parent of teens (am one) but as the dumb @ss girl with the loser boyfriends. She WILL eventually figure it out, but there is NOTHING you can do but be there.

Hippie...I hear ya... I had my share of them too but I learned a lot quicker than she seems to be...she just don't see it and I think they've gotten into such a routine that she wouldn't know what to do without him. Man I just hate to see her high school years go by being weighted down with that relationship...when they're gone they're gone....

 

[angie2]

Well, while you are waiting ~
Is he good/kind to her? Does he let her see girlfriends and go out with them? You are right about him just being a habit. And Hippie is right in that it will eventually end......

 

[Wisteria Farms]

I sit here looking at this. I don't know what to tell you, except that you are not alone :roll:

I know... (and I know there's no magic answer)... just thought maybe some of ya'll had been through it. A few of the guys on the hockey team likes her and it just kills me that she could have a really nice boy... instead of HIM!

 

[Wisteria Farms]

Well, while you are waiting ~
Is he good/kind to her? Does he let her see girlfriends and go out with them? You are right about him just being a habit. And Hippie is right in that it will eventually end......

Is he good/kind... well... I've seen him be pretty hateful on a couple occasions (ex. she was getting ready for homecoming and he called to find out where she was...as SHE was driving. She told him she should be there in about 5 minutes and he snapped "5 minutes isn't going to turn into 15 is it?! I've been waiting all day".) If I hadn't been zipping up her dress I wouldn't have heard it so clearly but I did and I let her know I didn't appreciate it.

Another example...the hockey team she's on had a family day where the families got together and skated. She asked if he could go and I said "NO" because I wanted her to have fun with her friends. He told her not to be talking to any boys....Hello?!!!! Its a freakin HOCKEY TEAM... most of those boys she grew up with. I didn't appreciate that either.

As for friends... WE make her do things with her friends. If we didn't, she would blow them off for him. But, he doesn't like her friends and her friends don't care for him so they've moved on and "hang" with other groups (whereas these used to be really good girlfriends).

 

[Hippie Rancher]

eh, High School is so unimportant in the scheme of an adult life (or should be), don't worry if she doesn't have a fantasy High School career. I would be more concerned about pregnancy or early marriage issues and you know what? Even that isn't the end of life. I do know any parental pressure just makes it worse. Don't know how to advise not to worry, though. Sorry. It's as hard to watch them stumble as young adults as it was when they were toddlers, but they still have to do it.

 

[Wisteria Farms]

eh, High School is so unimportant in the scheme of an adult life (or should be), don't worry if she doesn't have a fantasy High School career. I would be more concerned about pregnancy or early marriage issues and you know what? Even that isn't the end of life. I do know any parental pressure just makes it worse. Don't know how to advise not to worry, though. Sorry. It's as hard to watch them stumble as young adults as it was when they were toddlers, but they still have to do it.

I have to disagree just a bit... High School is important because getting "hooked up" with the wrong crowd can change a lot about your adult life and the path you're on. I'm not looking for her to have a fantasy high school career... I'm just looking for her to socialize the way she's supposed to instead of being all-consumed with a boy that I see as a control freak. And yes, its very hard to watch them stumble.

PS I know pregnancy/early marriage isn't the end... but it makes things a whole lot harder than they need to be. My best friend should have gone to college on a basketball scholarship but got pregnant, married.

 

[Hippie Rancher]

I wonder does she have any other adults in her life that are not authority figures. Parents can "advise" about stupid moves and the future consequences until they are blue, when sometimes another adult that treats them as an inteligent human being rather than a wayward child can get through. Or along the same vein an adult who has gone through it and can be an example of sorts.

I know - easy to advise from the keyboard, hard to do the day to day stuff. Have faith you have done a good job and she will come around. Or you all will deal with whatever happens. It could always be worse, huh?

 

[Wisteria Farms]

I wonder does she have any other adults in her life that are not authority figures. Parents can "advise" about stupid moves and the future consequences until they are blue, when sometimes another adult that treats them as an inteligent human being rather than a wayward child can get through. Or along the same vein an adult who has gone through it and can be an example of sorts.

I know - easy to advise from the keyboard, hard to do the day to day stuff. Have faith you have done a good job and she will come around. Or you all will deal with whatever happens. It could always be worse, huh?

Sure, it could be worse...which is what I'm trying to avoid. I've had plenty of people tell ME.."she could do so much better". Next time I think I'll say "well then tell HER that!". Maybe hearing it from others, as you say. Thanks so much.

 

[turn1]

As a father of a 31yr old, 28, 13, 10, 8, 7 and 6yr old, I all was ask myself " remember when ". I us to be that old also. I remember what my mother used to say about my girl friends and even my wife now of 19+ years. It was not always, if ever, positive. That drove me more to continue on. I'm happily married with 4 at home and 2 not. The key is to pray for wisdom and wisdom for your children. And always, always, REMEMBER WHEN !!!!!!

 

[novatech]

After 5 kids I have deducted that adolescence is a built in system of cutting the umbilical cord. You are either going to kick them out or they will leave. :lol:
If you both live through you are considered a success.

 

[Lammie]

I think there isn't anything you can do about it until she matures and decides that he's just not what she is looking for. When she's at a show or a college day, she's gonna look around and see guys that she thinks are worth her time and then she'll come to appreciate what a hard working man can do for her.

Don't bug her about it. That is the best way I know to drive the relationship underground. I would sneak all over the place to date boys that my parents didn't approve. And I always came to see that they were right in the long run, but it had to be my idea.

Just keep her busy until it is time for her to go off to college.

 

[Gate Opener]

You might try asking her if she loves him or is she just used to him. (Don't say anything else) My mom hit me with that one and it sunk in.

I have heard that the more you try to push them apart the more they will try to be together.

 

[novatech]

I don't have a clue what you can do. You are the parent and the only one that knows how to handle your particular child.
Be careful not to totally alienate her. Remember you are not her friend but her parent and you must do your job, although very diplomatically.
People become like the people they associate with.