need advice fast please

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She did not want me in her life these past years and i am invited to this celebration if her family agrees to let me come. I am one of 4 not invited unless the family okays it.
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This says it all for me....she didn't want you in her life so I wouldn't try to accomodate her or the family in her death. Ice down a 6 pack and celebrate with your real family.
 
i am so torn about going. If i went it would be to support one of my brothers i am close to. Lets call them brothers 1-4 all younger
Brother 1 and i share the same father and the same fate in life where mother was concerned. The alcoholic beatings were directed at us and the emotional abuse at us. And at any given time one was the good child the other the rotten apple who recieved the beatings. Would change at the drop of a hat
Brother 2 was adopted out as a baby, just found him in the last 5-6 years, he is the "prodical son" with no bagage, separate father
Brothers 3 and 4 same mother different father, and their father was apart of our lives as well as theirs and brother 1 and i think of him as father.
I left home at 16, group home and foster care after running away
Brother 1 left home two years later walking over 200 miles to go to our bio fathers home town. He has not talked to her in over 20 years. brother 3 and 4 convinced him to go see mother when she was in palative care a few weeks before she passed. He saw her two times, and was at her bedside when she passed. Now feels regret and anger at not making an effort to renew a relationship.

Now me the last 20 years in brief
The relationship was on and off. One would contact the other, things would be good for a few months or a couple of years. Then not talking for 1-5 years
the last three fight in order:
1: brother 1 wanted baby pics cause he was having his first child. Since he was not talking to her, i said i would, we were talking. I asked for baby pics, she tells me she put everything on a couple of discs and gave to brothers 3 and 4. I asked for a copy and the answer was no, get it from them, she was to busy. Still on her computer, and a big fight since brothers are very busy and had not seen it yet. Called brother 3 to warn of a impending drunked call since that is what she does to him when the crap hits the fan. Sure enough 4-5 hours later a call that scared the crap out of him. Next day he calls me and tells me of this call.
NO sooner did I get off the phone from him did I call her and tear a strip off her that under no circumstances was she to do that again and if she wanted to vent in a drunken binge call someone else not her sons. I told her this long ago to not call me in a drunken binge long ago. Calls were just to dang difficult. She and I mutually stopped talking, after I told the brothers to take a stand and stop this madness and quite enableing her. I believe, I got an email saying may God help me for what I have done…a little longer but you get the jist.
2: When we were on talking terms, and after doing a farm succession plan thing, I thought to ask my mother for a rocker…in the will….that had been in the family for 3 generations. It was a place of comfort to me when things were tough. I asked if it would be willed to me and I did not ask for it right away. Less than 6 months later she shows up on my door step…15 hour drive with a rocker and two dressers from the same era. I was stunned and made it clear that I asked only for the rocker and that I asked for it to be willed to me not now since they were hers. She was quite adamant that I have them now. Fast forward to the picture fight and a couple of years later and I get an email from brother 3 saying mom wants these things back. I quite politely tell him if she wants them back to call me and leave you out of the mix and I told him to stay out of our fights. I get an email asking for them back, and I call her. Ask for a reason and "non of my business" I have been down this road many times so I said NO. give me a good reason and then I will. A few heated calls and emails exchanged and we did not talk again.
3: I find out from brother 3 a few years later that she is dying. She tells him she regrets that the last words I heard were words from her in anger. I get the nerve and call her. Something along the lines of " I know you are very sick, my deepest sympathies, if you want to talk or email, I am okay with it, I hope you are doing alright, We will talk again, call me or email me. I understand that she might not answer cause her type of ALS affects the throat and muscles in the neck first.
Ok now if you went through all this, and your daughter/son call you. You email them what are the first words you would say? I mean you are dying…I'm thinking "I love you" "I'm sorry" " lets start again" " Can we be friends"…lets face it, my call was peaceful and an olive branch. I got an email with these words from a mother who is dying and had not spoken to her daughter in 4 years "you called"
I was livid. I told her you know why I called, I said it in the answer machine and all I get is this. What the heck. This is where I was tolded not to contact her again, she wanted nothing to do with me.
This happened close to mothers day. I had sent two cards, one about sorry for your illness and one for mothers day. A bible verse in each, and God loved her. I got them back unopened with a letter in the evelope (she put them both in an envelope) saying I had nerve to contact her when she specified not to and I was to respect a dying woman's wishes. Brothers 3 an 4 could update me on her progress. My uncle and her current husband she says could not believe my audacity in trying to contact her and that something must be wrong with me. She loved me cause I was her daughter but that is where it ended.
Between the cards I sent and the letter from her, I sent her three emails with a bible verse about leaning on God's strength and peace and about His grace, hoping to keep a door open.
Then the next day I get an email from my brother 3 and 4 that they are directed not to contact me about her. That subject is off limits, they are respecting a dying woman's wishes.
Since then, there has been a wall between brother 3 and 4 and me. I did get an email when she broke her hip. And I found out she was in palliative cause brother 4 was lamenting on face book real deep, got worried and called this is where I found this out.

So that is it in a nut shell…Could I have done things different? I could have sent the furniture back, then I think, there just would have been something else. Could I have not blown my gasket when I got that "you called" email, probably, but again, there would have been something else. I did send 5 emails to her over the last year in hopes to open I dialogue however they went unanswered. I know for sure she was still able to send and receive emails.
Part of me wants to go to support my brothers, the other part to see what these other people saw in her that I did not or could not. Part of me wants to go to make sure she is dead so the nightmares end. Stupid I know. Part of me thinks she would want me to go, and yet look at how we lived our life. I am invited…if the family agrees…how crazy is that…no more crazy than the life we led I guess.
 
i'd go..be polite, quiet, and gracious....treat others as you would you would like to be treated....you'll get over it, they won't...
 
rockridgecattle":3akt34ms said:
i am so torn about going. If i went it would be to support one of my brothers i am close to. Lets call them brothers 1-4 all younger
Brother 1 and i share the same father and the same fate in life where mother was concerned. The alcoholic beatings were directed at us and the emotional abuse at us. And at any given time one was the good child the other the rotten apple who recieved the beatings. Would change at the drop of a hat
Brother 2 was adopted out as a baby, just found him in the last 5-6 years, he is the "prodical son" with no bagage, separate father
Brothers 3 and 4 same mother different father, and their father was apart of our lives as well as theirs and brother 1 and i think of him as father.
I left home at 16, group home and foster care after running away
Brother 1 left home two years later walking over 200 miles to go to our bio fathers home town. He has not talked to her in over 20 years. brother 3 and 4 convinced him to go see mother when she was in palative care a few weeks before she passed. He saw her two times, and was at her bedside when she passed. Now feels regret and anger at not making an effort to renew a relationship.

Now me the last 20 years in brief
The relationship was on and off. One would contact the other, things would be good for a few months or a couple of years. Then not talking for 1-5 years
the last three fight in order:
1: brother 1 wanted baby pics cause he was having his first child. Since he was not talking to her, i said i would, we were talking. I asked for baby pics, she tells me she put everything on a couple of discs and gave to brothers 3 and 4. I asked for a copy and the answer was no, get it from them, she was to busy. Still on her computer, and a big fight since brothers are very busy and had not seen it yet. Called brother 3 to warn of a impending drunked call since that is what she does to him when the crap hits the fan. Sure enough 4-5 hours later a call that scared the crap out of him. Next day he calls me and tells me of this call.
NO sooner did I get off the phone from him did I call her and tear a strip off her that under no circumstances was she to do that again and if she wanted to vent in a drunken binge call someone else not her sons. I told her this long ago to not call me in a drunken binge long ago. Calls were just to dang difficult. She and I mutually stopped talking, after I told the brothers to take a stand and stop this madness and quite enableing her. I believe, I got an email saying may God help me for what I have done…a little longer but you get the jist.
2: When we were on talking terms, and after doing a farm succession plan thing, I thought to ask my mother for a rocker…in the will….that had been in the family for 3 generations. It was a place of comfort to me when things were tough. I asked if it would be willed to me and I did not ask for it right away. Less than 6 months later she shows up on my door step…15 hour drive with a rocker and two dressers from the same era. I was stunned and made it clear that I asked only for the rocker and that I asked for it to be willed to me not now since they were hers. She was quite adamant that I have them now. Fast forward to the picture fight and a couple of years later and I get an email from brother 3 saying mom wants these things back. I quite politely tell him if she wants them back to call me and leave you out of the mix and I told him to stay out of our fights. I get an email asking for them back, and I call her. Ask for a reason and "non of my business" I have been down this road many times so I said NO. give me a good reason and then I will. A few heated calls and emails exchanged and we did not talk again.
3: I find out from brother 3 a few years later that she is dying. She tells him she regrets that the last words I heard were words from her in anger. I get the nerve and call her. Something along the lines of " I know you are very sick, my deepest sympathies, if you want to talk or email, I am okay with it, I hope you are doing alright, We will talk again, call me or email me. I understand that she might not answer cause her type of ALS affects the throat and muscles in the neck first.
Ok now if you went through all this, and your daughter/son call you. You email them what are the first words you would say? I mean you are dying…I'm thinking "I love you" "I'm sorry" " lets start again" " Can we be friends"…lets face it, my call was peaceful and an olive branch. I got an email with these words from a mother who is dying and had not spoken to her daughter in 4 years "you called"
I was livid. I told her you know why I called, I said it in the answer machine and all I get is this. What the heck. This is where I was tolded not to contact her again, she wanted nothing to do with me.
This happened close to mothers day. I had sent two cards, one about sorry for your illness and one for mothers day. A bible verse in each, and God loved her. I got them back unopened with a letter in the evelope (she put them both in an envelope) saying I had nerve to contact her when she specified not to and I was to respect a dying woman's wishes. Brothers 3 an 4 could update me on her progress. My uncle and her current husband she says could not believe my audacity in trying to contact her and that something must be wrong with me. She loved me cause I was her daughter but that is where it ended.
Between the cards I sent and the letter from her, I sent her three emails with a bible verse about leaning on God's strength and peace and about His grace, hoping to keep a door open.
Then the next day I get an email from my brother 3 and 4 that they are directed not to contact me about her. That subject is off limits, they are respecting a dying woman's wishes.
Since then, there has been a wall between brother 3 and 4 and me. I did get an email when she broke her hip. And I found out she was in palliative cause brother 4 was lamenting on face book real deep, got worried and called this is where I found this out.

So that is it in a nut shell…Could I have done things different? I could have sent the furniture back, then I think, there just would have been something else. Could I have not blown my gasket when I got that "you called" email, probably, but again, there would have been something else. I did send 5 emails to her over the last year in hopes to open I dialogue however they went unanswered. I know for sure she was still able to send and receive emails.
Part of me wants to go to support my brothers, the other part to see what these other people saw in her that I did not or could not. Part of me wants to go to make sure she is dead so the nightmares end. Stupid I know. Part of me thinks she would want me to go, and yet look at how we lived our life. I am invited…if the family agrees…how crazy is that…no more crazy than the life we led I guess.
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I think your family has communication issues,(no offense meant) facebook, emails, how about just picking up the phone and calling one of the brothers or your step Dad, and seeing if they would want you to go.Sounds like to me that you want to go, and would regret it if you did not go, maybe not for your Mom but for yourself and your siblings. Funerals are places to say goodbye, and it sounds like you may need this to move on with your life in a positive way. Good luck in your decision.

GMN
 
oh Honey,what a mess...A whole bunch of manipulative idijts
You were not dancing to their tune,never mind they kept changing the tempo with no notice.
I know you long for a "normal" relationship with these people.....You ain't gonna get it. They will come up with some "reason" that it's all your fault. They are setting fire to the bridges as fast as you try to mend it.
Talk to your husband ,friends, if you have mental health care there ask if you can talk to a noninvolved person with training.. Tell the relitives you have a pryor commetment on that date,but you'd like to keep in touch with facebook and such....I hate to say it,but you might be in some danger if you go there....
 
xbred":2xtz96a3 said:
i'd go..be polite, quiet, and gracious....treat others as you would you would like to be treated....you'll get over it, they won't...
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If I could rate all the answers this one from xbred is the one I would give the gold star to.

Here is the deal: You can stay home - it will follow you forever.

Or you can go: Hold your head high as the family (loosely speaking) cannot say you abandoned them.

So - go - take hubby - yes you can despite the difficulty - be polite, stay for one hour and then leave - once finished - go and do as you see fit with your life.

You have done your duty and no one can criticize you.

Pretty simple - and believe me more than one person has been in your shoes.

What happens today may not affect your life for the next 50 years - but someday it might - so - always try to do the right thing.

One final thing - stay away from that dammed facebook - it will also haunt you down the road.

Let us know how it went.

Bez+
 
Advice from my grandma... may she rest in peace.

"Flip a coin - stick with it's decision -- if you question the decision of the coin --> well then you know what you want to do already"

I would agree with xbred and Bez... you of all the folks described in your family can best suck it up, pay your respects, be gracious, and then MOVIN' ON...

onward and upward
 
I will give you they best advice I can.

Pray , and go with your gut. When you have finally made your decision either way stick with it and do not waffle..

I am so sorry for what you have had to endure as a young child and adult. Life should never be that way, your parents are supposed to protect you no matter how "sick in the head" they are. If anything RR she should have been so very proud of the beautiful young lady, inside and out, that you have grown into despite all of the obstacles you have had to endure.

Have faith that the answer for you lies within.

My deepest condolences to you and your husband.. :heart:
 
My first initial thought s were no don't go, then on thinking, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the story you wrote, not sure if this helps, my Aunt died a month ago and one of her children, my cousin, has always been the black sheep of the family, much prefering to be with mine, we are more like sisters than cousins. She asked me the same question should I go, my answer to her was yes. and walk with your head held high and proud. Then in time no-one can say you didn't go or care. As deep down after all said and done she was your Mother. We went to the funeral together and she got past it never talked to her sisters or brother. and still doesn't, but she has thanked me for saying yes to go, as it has helped to bring closure to that part of her life. Now she can get on with her own immediate family and me. So think can you live with the thought of not going, and/or regret it forever, and please don't let it fester, as it could make you ill.
 
Rockridge, there are some things "you" can't make right. It seems that you have gone way beyond what any resonable person would expect.
There is nothing there for you to celebrate.
The part about the restrictions on you if you are allowed to attend, get real. That is a perfect setup for you to be taken advantage of emotionally. Don't buy into that.

As to supporting your brother(s), let them respect your feelings without trying to put a guilt trip on you.
Get yourself a big pair of scissors and cut those ties that are binding you. Hard? Yes. But when are you going to be you and live your life and quit letting all this family junk suck your life out of you?
She is dead, but you are not. You have a right to live for yourself from this time forward.
You have the right and the responsibility to take care of "you".
Go and live a good life so that you can know that the world is a better place because you are here. But you have to live the life that you consider good. Not what someone else thinks you should do.

Don't be afraid to seek psychological counseling if you are having a rough time emotionally.
 

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