Farm Humor

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Well-known member
Dec 20, 2003
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North Central Kansas
Grandma always talks about these things but it's amazing that she never complains

If your name is taped to the side of a cakepan;
If you call the implement dealer and he recognizes your voice;
If the vet's number is on the speed dial of your phone;
If you know how to change the flat on your car, but can't because
the spare is on a flatbed;
If your second vehicle is still a pickup;
If the folks in the Emergency Room have a
pool going for your kids
and it involves the type of injury and
when it will occur;
If your husband has ever used field equipment to maintain your lawn;
If you're in the habit of buying foodstuffs in bulk;
If a "night out" involves the local 4-H
If the word "auction" makes you tingle;
If you've ever washed your kids or the
dishes with a pressure washer;
If "picking rock" is considered a chance to get out of the house;
If "wild game" reminds you of dinner and not the bedroom;
If "a little bit of lunch" involves 6 courses and a dessert made from scratch;
If the "fresh ingredients" your recipe
calls for reminds you to do the chores;
If taking lunch to the field is as close
as you get to a picnic;
If that pail with a hole in it is a
flowerpot in the making;
If your rock garden was hand-picked;
If you can mend a pair of pants and the
fence that ripped them;
If you're on the lookout for new uses for "Jell-O";
If the shopping list in your purse includes the sizes of filters,
tires, overalls, chains, belts, lights, cables, spark plugs or shotgun shells;
If "Farm," "Ranch," "Country," "Cowboy" or
Antique" is in the
name of your favorite magazine;
If your tan lines are somewhere below your shoulder and above your elbow;
If "Lacey" or "Frilly" refers to a farm animal but not your nightgown;
If you ever went on a date to the rodeo;
If you've ever been grateful for fingernail polish, because it
hides the dirt under your nails;
If you've ever called your husband to supper, using a radio;
If you buy antiques because they match the
rest of your furniture;
If being taken out to dinner has ever included a talk by a seed corn dealer;
If your driveway is longer than a stone's throw;
If your mailbox looks like a piece of machinery;
If your kids' wading pool has ever doubled as a stock tank, or vice versa;
If the daily paper is always a day late;
If duct tape is always on your shopping list;
If the neighbor's house is best viewed with binoculars;
If the directions to your house include the words, "miles," silos,"
"last," or "gravel road";
If the tractor and the combine have air
conditioning and an FM radio but your car doesn't;
If your storage shed is a barn;
If you measure travel in miles not minutes;
If your farm equipment has the latest global positioning technology
and you still can't find your husband;
If you consider "hot dish" a food group;
If your husband says, "Can you help me for a few minutes?" and you
know that might be anywhere from a few minutes to six hours;
If you plan your vacations around farm shows;
If Eva Gabor is on your list of "Most Admired Persons";
If grass stains are the least of your laundry problems;
If your refrigerator contains medicine, livestock medicine;
If your car's color is two-toned and one color is gravel road brown;
If you knew everyone in your high school;
If you've ever grown your own wall decorations;
If you've entertained the romantic notion of living in an old,
country farmhouse with a fireplace, but
gave it up because
experience tells you that it's cold,
drafty, smoky and sooty;
If you use newspapers to help keep the
kitchen floor clean;
If you've ever said, "Oh, it's only a little mud.";
If you need a pair of vice grips to run a
household appliance;
If your husband gave you flowers, but you
had to plant the seeds yourself;
If you've used the loader to reach the
windows when they needed washing;
If you've ever used a broom to shoo a critter;
If you've ever discovered a batch of
kittens in your laundry basket;
If dinner is at noon and lunch is before and after dinner;
If you don't need the recipe to make Rice Krispies bars;
If you shovel the sidewalk, with a skidsteer loader;
If you can find a use for that old tractor seat;
If you've ever found mice in the underwear drawer;
If quality time with your hubby means
a beer in one hand and a wrench in the other;
If you know the difference between field
corn and sweet corn;
If family "pets" include deer, coons,
squirrels, foxes or birds;
If you can make a meal that can be ready
in six minutes and will
still be ready in two hours;
If your basement is really a cellar;
If "sharing a cab" has nothing to do with
a taxi and everything to do
with getting across the field;
If your job in town is considered a farm

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