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50 Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !
 
Out of the mouth of babes...

My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish." :drink: @
 
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100mph, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"OMG! He's back!"

The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
 
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Its wine that does all that....... sorry

Never mind.
 
The Joys of being Self Employed

The Newfoundland Department of Employment, claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
 
Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge ..2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge .. 3 - No Report
 
One Liners:

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles yesterday. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off first.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "F%&* it, I'll soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bas^&*%d!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
Sport of Choice

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in
Washington playing marbles.
 
Well now.....
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
 
THIS IS PRICELESS!
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructors also advised that using a bit of
imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Subject: A Catholic Hairdryer

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs. An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor? ''Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.

' With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
 
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

His astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
 
k16w50.jpg
 
Sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --


(Continue below - This is great)




























'THE TEETH.'
 
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet,

a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,

and softly said, "Wedding Cake." :deadhorse:
 
Deep thought


Shoveled some snow today and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew ignited some deep thinking on various topics . . . .Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or two after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say: "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts." Case closed.Time for another beer.
 
an Alaskan Love Story

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
You laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied
Your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
Drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
It all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you ........

(%*&*(@&^*()*& mosquito!
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15
cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he
orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents,
15 for the beer and 35 for the food.
After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and
says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to
the manager and thank him."
"No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.
"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"
 

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