melking
Well-known member
So :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: funny Ab
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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cow pollinater
Well-known member
I bought a new bull a few weeks ago but I noticed that he didn't seem to have much labido. I called the vet and he gave me some pills to help him out a little. The next twenty one days were nothing short of violent and I was kind of worried about my cows. I was thinking about getting rid of him but luckily he tore up a bunch of fence and started in on my neighbors cows...
I don't know what the he!!was in those pills but it tasted kind of like pepermint.
I don't know what the he!!was in those pills but it tasted kind of like pepermint.
cow pollinater
Well-known member
I young man walked into a pharmacy and asked how much a single condom cost. The pharmacist explained that they came in boxes of three and cost five dollars. "Oh." the young man said pitifully, "My girlfreind said that if I had dinner with her family tonight she'd give me sex after dinner". The pharmacist felt so sorry for the young man that he gave him a pack of condoms.
Later that night the girlfreinds family and the young man sat down to dinner and bowed their heads to pray. Halfway through the meal the girl whispered to the young man"I had no idea you were so religous!" as he still had his head bowed and was obviously moved. He whispered back"I had no idea your father was a pharmicist!"
Later that night the girlfreinds family and the young man sat down to dinner and bowed their heads to pray. Halfway through the meal the girl whispered to the young man"I had no idea you were so religous!" as he still had his head bowed and was obviously moved. He whispered back"I had no idea your father was a pharmicist!"
hillsdown
Well-known member
alisonb":1h9alm9q said:
Let me guess , Jimmy Choo's ;-) :lol:
hillsdown
Well-known member
A cowboy, who just moved to Denver from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Minnesota . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Minnesota . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
alisonb
Well-known member
Not too far in the future -
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut."
Customer: "Yes, hello, may I please order.."
Operator : "I must have your multi purpose card number first, Sir"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan, calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 555-494-2366, your office # is 555-745-2302 and your mobile is 014-266-2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are 'connected to the system' Sir"
Costomer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza...?"
. Operator : "That's not a good idea, Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week, Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me two family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 5, Sir. The total is $ 29.99
Customer: "I will be paying by credit card."
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is too close to the limit thereby marking you as a credit risk - and that's not including the late fees that were added to your electric bill for being one week late in your payment October of last year. By the way, did you know you are going to owe your bank $1.55 when you receive your statement next week - you obviously made a mathematical error in your check book last month when you deducted the payment made to Blockbuster Video for the rental of "The Matrix", giant tub of popcorn, 2 Snickers bars, 1 Butterfinger, 2 M&M's (1 plain/1 peanut) and family size polybag of licorice whips (red not black)."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives" .
Operator : "You can't do that, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today after your tire separated on Vermont Rd on the way to pick up your son, James from his soccer match against Lincoln Jr. High and you had to call Ace Towing. We extend our congrats to your son on his win however!" .
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?" .
Operator : "About 45 minutes, Sir but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..." .
Customer: " What the..?" .
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Harley,...registration number E1123..." .
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#" .
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman... .
Customer: (Speechless) .
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?" .
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... are you giving me the 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?" .
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you have a diabetic in the family and we do not trust you to store the Pepsi responsibly and keep it out of the hands of said diabetic."
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut."
Customer: "Yes, hello, may I please order.."
Operator : "I must have your multi purpose card number first, Sir"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan, calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 555-494-2366, your office # is 555-745-2302 and your mobile is 014-266-2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are 'connected to the system' Sir"
Costomer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza...?"
. Operator : "That's not a good idea, Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week, Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me two family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 5, Sir. The total is $ 29.99
Customer: "I will be paying by credit card."
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is too close to the limit thereby marking you as a credit risk - and that's not including the late fees that were added to your electric bill for being one week late in your payment October of last year. By the way, did you know you are going to owe your bank $1.55 when you receive your statement next week - you obviously made a mathematical error in your check book last month when you deducted the payment made to Blockbuster Video for the rental of "The Matrix", giant tub of popcorn, 2 Snickers bars, 1 Butterfinger, 2 M&M's (1 plain/1 peanut) and family size polybag of licorice whips (red not black)."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives" .
Operator : "You can't do that, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today after your tire separated on Vermont Rd on the way to pick up your son, James from his soccer match against Lincoln Jr. High and you had to call Ace Towing. We extend our congrats to your son on his win however!" .
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?" .
Operator : "About 45 minutes, Sir but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..." .
Customer: " What the..?" .
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Harley,...registration number E1123..." .
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#" .
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman... .
Customer: (Speechless) .
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?" .
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... are you giving me the 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?" .
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you have a diabetic in the family and we do not trust you to store the Pepsi responsibly and keep it out of the hands of said diabetic."
TexasBred
Well-known member
A rerun:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat! in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat! in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nea...rly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
*************
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here." Do you can handle it?"
"No problem," the applicant replied, "if they don't behave, out they go!"
He nea...rly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
*************
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here." Do you can handle it?"
"No problem," the applicant replied, "if they don't behave, out they go!"
ALACOWMAN
Well-known member
ive heard that several times and cant help but believe he's from around here,, sinse the only Larrys pistol and pawn i know of is in Huntsville AL and id bet he's a NASA employee :lol2:TexasBred":3c2ggbf9 said:
melking
Well-known member
I just laugh my azz off everytime I read this. Way too funny... :clap: :clap:
TexasBred
Well-known member
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text......
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied........ "I'm taking a shyt. What should I do?
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied........ "I'm taking a shyt. What should I do?
EMPLOYEE NOTICE: Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as muchSHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount ofSHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enoughSHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all theSHIT you can handle. Sincerely,The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
A
Anonymous
denvermartinfarms
Well-known member
Has anyone heard about the new tax the president is wanting to put on aspirin, i have talked to some that say they think it is because he just does not like anything that is white and works.
My daughter said:
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...
"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...
"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
TexasBred
Well-known member
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...Who's your baby Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
#11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
THESE PEOPLE VOTE AND ARE THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY
AND YOU KNOW WHO THEY VOTED FOR, RIGHT?
=
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
#11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
THESE PEOPLE VOTE AND ARE THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY
AND YOU KNOW WHO THEY VOTED FOR, RIGHT?
=
john250
Well-known member
#5 has to get at least an Honorable Mention.
AudieWyoming
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Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills Out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.
@
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills Out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.
@
The Nun & golf
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f///in' putt, didn't you?
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f///in' putt, didn't you?
