Daily Joke

Help Support CattleToday:

I think it's time for me to contribute one, though I don't mean to step on your toes Slick

As Adam was walking through the garden of eden, he noticed that all the other animals had mates, and noticed that he was alone, so he complained to God.
God, thinking for some time and taking pity on Adam, said "OK, Here's the deal, I'll make you a beautiful woman, she'll cook, clean, she'll never say a cross word, she'll always be supportive and won't be a burden on you whatsoever, but she'll cost an arm and a leg"
Adam thought for a while and said "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history!


BTW, I'm enjoying this thread Slick
 
hatchet.gif
;-)
 
CKC1586":ujsdngg4 said:
slick4591":ujsdngg4 said:
It's all stolen stuff, Gale, but thanks.
Click to expand...
No, no. Not stolen! Shared!!!!! :nod:
Click to expand...

What she said! :lol:

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow pasture. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's azz. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" I said, "Hey this looks like yours hun!"
 
Two blonds decided learn how to play golf. On her first swing the first blong connected with the ball but it flew way off course and hit another golfer who imediatly hunched over, clasped both hands to his groin, and rolled onto the grass moaning in agony.
The blond was horrified and ran to him. She told him, "I'm so sorry. I'm a massage therapist though so I know that I can help you." She gently pulled his hands away from his groin and began to gently rub the area. This went on for a few minutes while her patient became more relaxed with every minute. Finally she asked if he was feeling better. He responded "yeah, I feel fantastic now... but I still think my thumbs broken."
 
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
 
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."
 
Chrissy, here's one to make up for the last one

When God created Woman, she had not 2 breasts but 3, and the middle one kept getting in the way, so she told God "What can you do with this useless boob"... Then God created Man

Happy now?
 
This recovering alcoholic went to town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True, I did have a couple beers, but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then at him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shyt my pants too".
 
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
 
A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer's wife from Missouri tentatively raised her hand and said,

"My husband got a pretty good look at you."
 

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