A
Anonymous
Would that be Pete or rePete?? :lol:TexasBred":1b7fl3pu said:
I wonder how p and h feels about sulfur toxicity :cowboy:
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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I wonder how p and h feels about sulfur toxicity :cowboy:
TexasBred
Well-known member
hooknline":13eaf8jk said:
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: He's off that now Hook. It's all about queers, politicians and corporate income taxes. Guess he gave up on being a self taught veterinarian as well. :cowboy:
jedstivers
Well-known member
Well it was getting slow here......
chrisy
Well-known member
MAN OF THE HOUSE
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Well, he stormed into his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f****in*' funeral director would be my first guess." -
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Well, he stormed into his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f****in*' funeral director would be my first guess." -
jasonleonard
Well-known member
That's hilarious Chrisy, I showed it to my wife , wander why she's still laughing?
TexasBred
Well-known member
An older couple, at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he said, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.?
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"
How & why" asked the couple, "could you claim or be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. " In fact, there's no African-Americans shown here at all.
They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he said, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.?
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"
How & why" asked the couple, "could you claim or be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. " In fact, there's no African-Americans shown here at all.
They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
TexasBred
Well-known member
Yesterday I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous brunette was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy".
"Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"
She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy".
"Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.
His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,
'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,
'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich ....
beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you,
there's going to be a string attached.
His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,
'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,
'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich ....
beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you,
there's going to be a string attached.
john s
Well-known member
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet,the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,
Looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid! :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
As yet,the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,
Looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid! :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
ga.prime
Well-known member
john s
Well-known member
Sorry alan
cow pollinater
Well-known member
A middle aged man was putting his daughter to bed. He bowed his head as she said her prayers. She thanked God for mommy and daddy and grandma and then said goodbye to grandpa. He thought it was strange but she was drifting off to sleep so he didn't ask about the goodbye.
The following morning the family got word that grandpa had died in his sleep. The man wrote it off as a strange coincidence until one week later the little girl thanked God for her mommy and daddy and said goodbye to grandma and asked God to take care of her. Sure enough, grandma died the next morning after falling down a flight of stairs.
With all the commotion of having two deaths in the family the man didn't want to upset his daughter by asking her about her unique gift so her talent remained a secret for a few months until on night she thanked God for mommy and said goodbye to daddy.
The man stayed up all night in near panic. He left for work an hour early to avoid traffic and therefore potential accidents. At his office he told his secretary to cancel all appointments and locked himself in his office. By quiting time he was such a nervous wreck wondering where it was going to come from that he stayed in his office and huddled under his desk.
Finally, at midnight, with the realization that he had lived through the day, he went home. He told his wife he had stayed late to catch up and that it had been a stressful day.
She told him, "You just think you've had a bad day, I've had the same tennis instructor for ten years and today he had a massive heart attack and died right in the middle of a lesson!"
The following morning the family got word that grandpa had died in his sleep. The man wrote it off as a strange coincidence until one week later the little girl thanked God for her mommy and daddy and said goodbye to grandma and asked God to take care of her. Sure enough, grandma died the next morning after falling down a flight of stairs.
With all the commotion of having two deaths in the family the man didn't want to upset his daughter by asking her about her unique gift so her talent remained a secret for a few months until on night she thanked God for mommy and said goodbye to daddy.
The man stayed up all night in near panic. He left for work an hour early to avoid traffic and therefore potential accidents. At his office he told his secretary to cancel all appointments and locked himself in his office. By quiting time he was such a nervous wreck wondering where it was going to come from that he stayed in his office and huddled under his desk.
Finally, at midnight, with the realization that he had lived through the day, he went home. He told his wife he had stayed late to catch up and that it had been a stressful day.
She told him, "You just think you've had a bad day, I've had the same tennis instructor for ten years and today he had a massive heart attack and died right in the middle of a lesson!"
cross_7
Well-known member
Today's word is .................. Fluctuations.
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today, there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today, there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
cross_7
Well-known member
Tony Romo has a new cologne
You put it on and the other guy scores!
You put it on and the other guy scores!
cross_7
Well-known member
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Colt Model 1911 45 cal. pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY....
Democrat's Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Colt Model 1911 45 cal. pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY....
Democrat's Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'
ohiosteve
Well-known member
How do you get a party started in outer space?
ohiosteve
Well-known member
Planetohiosteve":3j9qy3y4 said:
