Daily Joke

[Redgully]

That's exactly where I was born!

You ever have a spaghetti patch?

I'm still trying to find bacon seeds

My mate had some of those in his a.i tank......

 

[alisonb]

John is having a bad day...
He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off.
He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.
He went to the door and the doorknob fell off.
Now he's afraid to pee.

 

[Named'em Tamed'em]

When I was a kid you could take a dollar to the store and come home with a bag of chips, 2 candy bars and a couple cans of soda.

Now there are cameras everywhere! :hide:

 

[ga.prime]

Just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired.

 

[OwnedByTheCow]

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

 

[Named'em Tamed'em]

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

Haha had to tell that to the nieces :lol2:

 

[Named'em Tamed'em]

A little boy was walking to town with his hands cupped looking inside

Old man sitting on a porch says where you going boy what you got in your hands?

I'm going to town I've got me a firefly I'm going to trade it for firewood

The old man says it don't work that way boy

Little while later Boy comes walking by with a bundle of firewood

Next day he's walking to town with his hands cupped looking inside

Where are you going today boy the old man said

I've got me a butterfly I'm going to town trade it for some butter

Boy it don't work that way don't you get it

Little while later boys walking back from town sackful of butter

The next day boys walking to town and the old man says what you got today boy where you going

I got me some puzzy willow

Hold it right there boy, let me grab my hat!!

 

[Cornfed01]

 

[JMJ Farms]

A preacher was making his rounds to his church members on his bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower home. The next day when he decides to mow the lawn he proceeds to crank it. He pulled on the rope over and over with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, I'm a preacher, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"

 

[JMJ Farms]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....And before he could say 'f@!k', the Rottweiler ate him!"

The teacher fainted!

 

[sstterry]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[True Grit Farms]

Branded.

 

[jehosofat]

Branded.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[ALACOWMAN]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Never seen it slow down a Baptist either.. :cowboy:

 

[ALACOWMAN]

Branded.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

no this is him..https://www.facebook.com/sarcasmknowsnobounds/photos/a.1457417917684782/2283199408439958?type=3&sfns=mo

 

[Redgully]

I bought my friend an elephant for her room.
She said, "thanks"
I said, "don't mention it."

 

[ga.prime]

Saw a kid riding a skateboard on the sidewalk
hit a car bumper and crashed onto the concrete
kid said "hey mister, call me an ambulance"
I said "you're an ambulance"

 

[M-5]

My anesthesiologist asked if I wanted to be knocked out with Gas or a Boat Paddle ?

Its a ether / oar situation

 

[Nesikep]

wow, we really got the groaners going on!

 

[ALACOWMAN]

Their making Henny Youngman kick the end out of his coffin... :cowboy: