Daily Joke

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A guy went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist proceeded to ready a syringe and needle to numb his gum. The guy screamed "NO needles. I can stand needles." So the dentist put away the syringe and needle. He said that's no problem. I'll give you some gas and reached for the nitrous oxide mask. The patient once again screamed "OH NO mask over my face. I can't stand it. It's like someone is smothering me." So the dentist left the room and returned with a Viagra and asked if the man had an issue with taking a pill. The guy assured the dentist a pill was no problem but he didn't realize Viagra was a pain reliever. The dentist said "Oh it's no pain reliever but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
 
ez14.":2p8vtcli said:
OwnedByTheCow":2p8vtcli said:
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.
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So do you have his number??
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Yeah I think I do. :lol:
 
A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."
 
HDRider":l9f0tbpi said:
A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."
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:lol2: :lol2: :clap:
 
Default Secrets of a Long Happy Marriage


I little humor to brighten your day.

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says,"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband says, "It that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "That was me . . . . talking to the wine".
 
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to him. Then one day he met a woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, she is such a sweet and gentle woman, she would never go for this carrying on. So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since he lived in the country he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had miles to walk, he figured that he would walk off any ill effects by the time he reached home. So, he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted, and upon arriving home he felt reasonably sure he could control it.

His wife seemed excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. He seated himself and just as she was about to remove the blindfold from her husband, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while his wife was out of the room he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud but foul as well. He took his napkin and fanned the air around him vigorously. Then, he shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded him of cooked cabbage.

Keeping his ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin placed it on his lap and folded his hands upon it, smiling contentedly to himself.

He was the picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long, she asked him if he peeked, and he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and he was surprised!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him and his wife a Happy Anniversary!
 
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding. A cop pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me."

"No!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop says, "Wait here,".

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops are flooding the area. The man is cuffed and taken towards a cop car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."
 
Marine in Afghanistan yells at the Taliban over the ridge "10 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 10 fighters all get killed.

Marine yells "100 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 100 fighters, are all are killed.

Marine yells "1000 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 1000 fighters. 999 are killed and one gets away, comes back to the leader and says" its a trap, there are 2 Marines over there.
 
The Academy Awards.....The Oscar for best screenplay and best actor in a dramatic comedy go to some has-been actor (that I never heard of) named Jussie Smollet, playing himself in "I'm an Idiot". Best actors in supporting roles (for the same story) is shared by MSM and about 1/2 of Congress.
 
A Lawyer and a Doctor get into an accident at an intersection of a deserted country road. After phoning for the authorities to come, they are waiting with their vehicles until the Deputies arrive. The Lawyer turns to the Dr. and says, I don't know about you, but I am pretty shaken up. I have a bottle in the back of my car, would you like a drink to help steady our nerves? The Dr. says sure and the Lawyer hands him the bottle and he takes a long swig. The Lawyer says, have one more and the Dr. does. The Lawyer then takes the bottle and puts the cap back on. The Dr. looks at him and says aren't you going to have a drink? The Lawyer smiles and says, no, I think I will wait until the after the Police leave.
 
Best I've heard in a while


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 
ez14. said:
Nesikep said:
Redgully said:
Poor buggers. My advice would be rip it out and try spaghetti, much more profitible.

https://youtu.be/tVo_wkxH9dU
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That's exactly where I was born!
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You ever have a spaghetti patch?
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We used to have a spaghetti patch growing up, mom got tired of me throwing noodles against the wall of the house to see if they would stick during harvest season.

So she tore 'em out and we started raising jackalope ,figured we'd sell the horns to Asia and the meat to KFC! Never panned out! :roll:
 

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