Cattle Rack Rancher
Well-known member
Dear Sir/Madam/Automatic Scripting Program:
I am pleased to respond to the recent email that you forwarded to one of my email accounts. I admire your persistence and enthusiasm in repeatedly offering me so many fantastic deals and bonuses despite my complete lack of interest to date. I am afraid that - since I actually have a life, I am unable to provide an individual response to each of the hundreds of generous offers that I receive daily. As a result, I am sending out this reply to you and all of your fellow entrepreneurs. Please ignore those parts of this message that have no bearing on your particular offer - due to limitations of time, I am unable to personally customize each of these messages and am forced to leave a certain amount of extraneous data in my response that may or may not be applicable to your particular company. I am sure that you can empathize with my position in this regard.
To Mr. Assan Bello, of Nigeria: I am very excited by your offer, and would be honored to help you withdraw the $25,000,000 in funds that are currently being held in a foreign bank. I am even more honored that you have been willing to make this offer to me so many times despite my lack of reply to date - I apologize for my reticence and hope that your offer is still valid. I have discussed this matter with my bank, and they have informed me that a number of fees will be incurred before the transaction you have proposed can go through. I'm afraid that I am not in a position to meet these fees at this time, and I would request that you assist me by sending $5000 US so that I can meet these requirements. I'm sure that you'll agree that your percentage of the $25,000,000 will be more than worth this small initial investment on your part.
I should note that the same offer holds for all of the other Nigerian men who have requested my help with bank transfers - I am amazed that I am held in such high esteem in your country.
To those fine gentlemen who have offered me bargain rates on breast enhancement surgery: I found your offer to be intriguing, but my girlfriend feels that such a surgery would not be appropriate or attractive in my case. I feel I am forced to agree with her and so I am afraid that I must decline your offer. Thank you.
To the generous financial institutions who are willing to offer me low, low rates on the mortgage for my house in Calgary. I have been advised by my attorneys that it is not permissible for me to take out a mortgage on a property I sold 2 years ago. You may wish to consider these details before sending out further offers to prospective clients. And in order to avoid future problems with your firm, 10 seconds of research on my part has revealed that the current mortgage rate on my Edmonton home is lower than the rate you have been promoting in your recent offers. Given the prevailing market conditions, I would suggest you limit your future marketing efforts to congenital idiots and those with degenerative mental conditions. Perhaps you can get useful data on future clients from the American Psychiatric Association. Thank you.
To the numerous online casinos/bookmakers/gaming houses who have generously offered me one, two, or three hundred dollars worth of gambling credits in exchange for joining your sites: I'm afraid I have no interest in gambling, so the gaming credits hold no real interest for me. However, I am willing to accept the cash value of these credits without requiring any service of your company in exchange - feel free to contact me again if my offer holds any interest for you. Thank you.
For those who have offered to help me claim my US military benefits: I admit I find your offer strangely intriguing. I had been of the belief that as a Canadian who has never served in the US military, I was ineligible to receive benefits from your government. I'm afraid that I do not have the means to immediately reimburse your company for its services, but please feel free to deduct your fees from any benefits that you might manage to secure for me.
To the many, many, many sites who have sent me messages trying to get me to pay for high quality p0rn: you are aware that I can get p0rn from many, many, many other sites on the internet without paying, aren't you? I would suggest you either do a little more research into your target market, or find dumber clients to advertise to. I'm tempted to tell you off, but I can't see where it would make much difference in your case - so just go away and stop bugging me.
To the undoubtedly fully qualified medical personnel who want to 'add extra inches' and 'improve' my 'performance': Ummm... no. Even if I thought for a second that you were real doctors I wouldn't let you near my junk - there are no words strong enough to tell you how much I want you to stay away from me. However, my girlfriend wanted me to pass on the following message: Apparently you've made the same offers to her as you have to me, and she resents the implication...
To the fine gentlemen who are offering me products in Korean: I'm not actually sure what you're trying to sell me, because I don't speak your language and have never downloaded the Korean language text support for my browser. I'm going to make the assumption that I don't actually want it. Thank you.
To the many other esteemed corporations and individuals who have felt the obligation to fill my inbox with unsolicited offers and promotions: I'm just sorry that I can't attend to all of you personally.
I thank you for your kind attention.
I am pleased to respond to the recent email that you forwarded to one of my email accounts. I admire your persistence and enthusiasm in repeatedly offering me so many fantastic deals and bonuses despite my complete lack of interest to date. I am afraid that - since I actually have a life, I am unable to provide an individual response to each of the hundreds of generous offers that I receive daily. As a result, I am sending out this reply to you and all of your fellow entrepreneurs. Please ignore those parts of this message that have no bearing on your particular offer - due to limitations of time, I am unable to personally customize each of these messages and am forced to leave a certain amount of extraneous data in my response that may or may not be applicable to your particular company. I am sure that you can empathize with my position in this regard.
To Mr. Assan Bello, of Nigeria: I am very excited by your offer, and would be honored to help you withdraw the $25,000,000 in funds that are currently being held in a foreign bank. I am even more honored that you have been willing to make this offer to me so many times despite my lack of reply to date - I apologize for my reticence and hope that your offer is still valid. I have discussed this matter with my bank, and they have informed me that a number of fees will be incurred before the transaction you have proposed can go through. I'm afraid that I am not in a position to meet these fees at this time, and I would request that you assist me by sending $5000 US so that I can meet these requirements. I'm sure that you'll agree that your percentage of the $25,000,000 will be more than worth this small initial investment on your part.
I should note that the same offer holds for all of the other Nigerian men who have requested my help with bank transfers - I am amazed that I am held in such high esteem in your country.
To those fine gentlemen who have offered me bargain rates on breast enhancement surgery: I found your offer to be intriguing, but my girlfriend feels that such a surgery would not be appropriate or attractive in my case. I feel I am forced to agree with her and so I am afraid that I must decline your offer. Thank you.
To the generous financial institutions who are willing to offer me low, low rates on the mortgage for my house in Calgary. I have been advised by my attorneys that it is not permissible for me to take out a mortgage on a property I sold 2 years ago. You may wish to consider these details before sending out further offers to prospective clients. And in order to avoid future problems with your firm, 10 seconds of research on my part has revealed that the current mortgage rate on my Edmonton home is lower than the rate you have been promoting in your recent offers. Given the prevailing market conditions, I would suggest you limit your future marketing efforts to congenital idiots and those with degenerative mental conditions. Perhaps you can get useful data on future clients from the American Psychiatric Association. Thank you.
To the numerous online casinos/bookmakers/gaming houses who have generously offered me one, two, or three hundred dollars worth of gambling credits in exchange for joining your sites: I'm afraid I have no interest in gambling, so the gaming credits hold no real interest for me. However, I am willing to accept the cash value of these credits without requiring any service of your company in exchange - feel free to contact me again if my offer holds any interest for you. Thank you.
For those who have offered to help me claim my US military benefits: I admit I find your offer strangely intriguing. I had been of the belief that as a Canadian who has never served in the US military, I was ineligible to receive benefits from your government. I'm afraid that I do not have the means to immediately reimburse your company for its services, but please feel free to deduct your fees from any benefits that you might manage to secure for me.
To the many, many, many sites who have sent me messages trying to get me to pay for high quality p0rn: you are aware that I can get p0rn from many, many, many other sites on the internet without paying, aren't you? I would suggest you either do a little more research into your target market, or find dumber clients to advertise to. I'm tempted to tell you off, but I can't see where it would make much difference in your case - so just go away and stop bugging me.
To the undoubtedly fully qualified medical personnel who want to 'add extra inches' and 'improve' my 'performance': Ummm... no. Even if I thought for a second that you were real doctors I wouldn't let you near my junk - there are no words strong enough to tell you how much I want you to stay away from me. However, my girlfriend wanted me to pass on the following message: Apparently you've made the same offers to her as you have to me, and she resents the implication...
To the fine gentlemen who are offering me products in Korean: I'm not actually sure what you're trying to sell me, because I don't speak your language and have never downloaded the Korean language text support for my browser. I'm going to make the assumption that I don't actually want it. Thank you.
To the many other esteemed corporations and individuals who have felt the obligation to fill my inbox with unsolicited offers and promotions: I'm just sorry that I can't attend to all of you personally.
I thank you for your kind attention.
