My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months.
I want to wish each and every one of you a very
Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to
go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an
envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer
drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains
and may eat my guts out as well.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheist bastards
who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because
it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones,
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone
might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement pair from
Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last
count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in
addition to all of you dear friends.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers
my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven hundred of
my friends and make a wish within five seconds.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a
sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the
1,387,258th time)...
I no longer have any money at all - but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and
AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.
Yes, I want! to thank you so much for looking out
for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large flock of
pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon and
crap all over you. I know this will occur, because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third
cousin's beautician.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year & Happy Hannukah!
have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months.
I want to wish each and every one of you a very
Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to
go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an
envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer
drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains
and may eat my guts out as well.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheist bastards
who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because
it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones,
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone
might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement pair from
Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last
count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in
addition to all of you dear friends.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers
my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven hundred of
my friends and make a wish within five seconds.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a
sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the
1,387,258th time)...
I no longer have any money at all - but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and
AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.
Yes, I want! to thank you so much for looking out
for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large flock of
pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon and
crap all over you. I know this will occur, because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third
cousin's beautician.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year & Happy Hannukah!
Merry Christmas, Dun.
