IluvABbeef
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I've been having some thoughts today. Or I should say, I need to get some things off my chest. Maybe its from the stress of exams or the fact that I realize that I won't be dealing with livestock of my own (my own being from the home-farm my-own). I say this because we finally got a renter for our place, and he'll be looking after and working the land. And he'll be putting out a few heifers in the corrals up front and out in the pastures.
It's that that I just said that kind of depresses me. I've been so used to coming home from school and being able to check on the cattle that are OURS in the corrals and not be afraid to work with them a bit when its needed or just go out to check them just for the heck of it. Now, now the only thing that I can do, when those heifers arrive come spring is just sit on the back porch and look at them, because they're not ours. And that really stinks. I just can't bear the thought of that, I hate thinking about it. Not that I'm complaining of course, its always good to see cattle out keeping the grass down, but it's even better if they're yours that your seeing keeping the grass down in YOUR corrals, if you know what I mean.
Now, once I satrt thinking this, then I start thinking about the future. Mom and I need to find something else to keep us busy year-round besides being busy in the spring, summer and fall working in the garden. We don't know what, it's only been a few months since the accident, but I would like to know what or start brain-storming some ideas. And of course its still early yet to really decide what to do, "take one day at a time" they say. <<sigh>> I hate it when they say that because you can't help but think ahead to the future, having all these "what if's" in your head, all these "what's gonna happen when/if _________", you know. That's what I've been getting today, and since I heard about the rent agreement.
It's so strange to not have Dad around, because, you know, at this time of year we're scrambling to get things done, to get the seeder ready, purchase seed and fertilizer, get anhydrous for the feilds that are going to be planted into canola, etc. And Mom told me over the phone that each time she finds herself having to rush around to get laundry done, this and that, and she has to constantly remind herself that there's no need to hurry around. And me, I sometimes find myself forgetting that he's gone and wondering how he's doing getting the feilds ready and stuff, suddenly realizing and wondering why am I thinking these things. It's all a part of dealing with change, I guess.
And then I start looking at myself. I start wondering how am I gonna live without such a good resource as Dad was. At least, I was thinking that a while ago. But, with the farm and all, I just start wondering am I ever going to meet the goals and dreams that I have set myself? Am I gonna end up as some other people that have had all these dreams and ambitions like me abolished by something like this, by the big C word, by a huge and significant death in the family, and not be able to do anything about it? ?? I absolutely loathe the word "change" because, those are the things that "change" means to me. I know there's a lot more to the word "change" than what I have been raving about on this thread, but that's what it means to me. I keep telling myself that I just can't let the work I've put into getting my degree, the books I've been reading, the stuff I've been reading on these boards, all go to waste because of something like the word "change". I just can't. I dunno where to start if I don't want all I've learned and all my interests to go to waste, but I've been told by my folks that I can do something about it by asking around if I can do volunteer work at a local veterinary clinic, get a job at one of the barns at the university farm, things like that. It is something to think about, I guess it is a step forward, right? I have a bad tendancy to second-guess myself some times, hesitate to go and ask or do things because I have second thoughts that it don't feel right. (here I'm complaining again, sorry).
Anyway, I realize that I have changed a lot too since I first got on here. I've sometimes looked at my old posts from a year or so back and get a little embarrassed with myself when I do read them. It seemed like I had a bit of a thinner-skin then than I do now, and (I have to admit) was a bit more childish.
(Well, maybe childish ain't quite the right word, but that was the only word I could think up of) Now, I realize (not NOW now, but from reading on here and letting it sink in now....never mind) I don't need to post as much as I used to. Post # doesnt count, actual real-life experience does, as I've heard it been said many times on here. And thanks to all of you, I've learned tonnes, much more than I would've learned from just dealing with feeder steers. (So maybe change is good, after all.)
Well, I better get off my soapbox and get back to my studies. One thing that makes me happy is that I'll be going back home to the farm in less than a week. Oh and Myra finally came home. :banana:
But it's @#$%&^* snowing outside!! :x
P.S.: I just have to say thanks for putting up with me for as long as I've been on here y'all. :cboy: ;-)
It's that that I just said that kind of depresses me. I've been so used to coming home from school and being able to check on the cattle that are OURS in the corrals and not be afraid to work with them a bit when its needed or just go out to check them just for the heck of it. Now, now the only thing that I can do, when those heifers arrive come spring is just sit on the back porch and look at them, because they're not ours. And that really stinks. I just can't bear the thought of that, I hate thinking about it. Not that I'm complaining of course, its always good to see cattle out keeping the grass down, but it's even better if they're yours that your seeing keeping the grass down in YOUR corrals, if you know what I mean.
Now, once I satrt thinking this, then I start thinking about the future. Mom and I need to find something else to keep us busy year-round besides being busy in the spring, summer and fall working in the garden. We don't know what, it's only been a few months since the accident, but I would like to know what or start brain-storming some ideas. And of course its still early yet to really decide what to do, "take one day at a time" they say. <<sigh>> I hate it when they say that because you can't help but think ahead to the future, having all these "what if's" in your head, all these "what's gonna happen when/if _________", you know. That's what I've been getting today, and since I heard about the rent agreement.
It's so strange to not have Dad around, because, you know, at this time of year we're scrambling to get things done, to get the seeder ready, purchase seed and fertilizer, get anhydrous for the feilds that are going to be planted into canola, etc. And Mom told me over the phone that each time she finds herself having to rush around to get laundry done, this and that, and she has to constantly remind herself that there's no need to hurry around. And me, I sometimes find myself forgetting that he's gone and wondering how he's doing getting the feilds ready and stuff, suddenly realizing and wondering why am I thinking these things. It's all a part of dealing with change, I guess.
And then I start looking at myself. I start wondering how am I gonna live without such a good resource as Dad was. At least, I was thinking that a while ago. But, with the farm and all, I just start wondering am I ever going to meet the goals and dreams that I have set myself? Am I gonna end up as some other people that have had all these dreams and ambitions like me abolished by something like this, by the big C word, by a huge and significant death in the family, and not be able to do anything about it? ?? I absolutely loathe the word "change" because, those are the things that "change" means to me. I know there's a lot more to the word "change" than what I have been raving about on this thread, but that's what it means to me. I keep telling myself that I just can't let the work I've put into getting my degree, the books I've been reading, the stuff I've been reading on these boards, all go to waste because of something like the word "change". I just can't. I dunno where to start if I don't want all I've learned and all my interests to go to waste, but I've been told by my folks that I can do something about it by asking around if I can do volunteer work at a local veterinary clinic, get a job at one of the barns at the university farm, things like that. It is something to think about, I guess it is a step forward, right? I have a bad tendancy to second-guess myself some times, hesitate to go and ask or do things because I have second thoughts that it don't feel right. (here I'm complaining again, sorry).
Anyway, I realize that I have changed a lot too since I first got on here. I've sometimes looked at my old posts from a year or so back and get a little embarrassed with myself when I do read them. It seemed like I had a bit of a thinner-skin then than I do now, and (I have to admit) was a bit more childish.
(Well, maybe childish ain't quite the right word, but that was the only word I could think up of) Now, I realize (not NOW now, but from reading on here and letting it sink in now....never mind) I don't need to post as much as I used to. Post # doesnt count, actual real-life experience does, as I've heard it been said many times on here. And thanks to all of you, I've learned tonnes, much more than I would've learned from just dealing with feeder steers. (So maybe change is good, after all.)Well, I better get off my soapbox and get back to my studies. One thing that makes me happy is that I'll be going back home to the farm in less than a week. Oh and Myra finally came home. :banana:
But it's @#$%&^* snowing outside!!
:x P.S.: I just have to say thanks for putting up with me for as long as I've been on here y'all. :cboy: ;-)
