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Daily Joke
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CKC1586
Well-known member
:clap: :lol2: :lol2: OMG!! Hilarious!!!!slick4591":3udr8hvi said:
A
Anonymous
I think most women should breast feed in public even if they don't have kids. Only
Stipulation is its gotta be the good looking ones.
And no need for being discreet.
Stipulation is its gotta be the good looking ones.
And no need for being discreet.
alisonb
Well-known member
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Kathie in Thorp
Well-known member
Saw an interview with Paris Hilton this morning and she talked about how bees frighten her......I bet the rest of the alphabet does too!
Supposedly true but funny nevertheless!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
TexasBred
Well-known member
There was this small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
A
Anonymous
:lol2:
That's awful bad but awful good!
That's awful bad but awful good!
john250
Well-known member
The organ player and the preacher jokes are big in TX, I guess. 
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:Ouachita
Well-known member
Dang TB, now thats original. Only "thumbody thut noth wha tha pathimonz thase like" could come up with that one :lol2: Tell me, did you keep your job :lol2:
Good one, thanks for the laugh. I needed it :tiphat:
Good one, thanks for the laugh. I needed it :tiphat:
TexasBred
Well-known member
That wasn't a joke. That was truth. :lol2: :lol: :lol2:john250":18vbns1o said:The organ player and the preacher jokes are big in TX, I guess.
cow pollinater
Well-known member
An old priest got tired of all of the adultry going on in his church so finally he told the congregation that the next time someone confessed to adultry he was going to leave the church. He was loved by everyone in the congregation so they decided to come up with a codeword for adultry and settled on "fallen".
Everything went well until the old priest died of a heart attack and a new, young priest was brought to the church. After the first month the young priest had had enough and stomped into the mayor's office demanding that the city find money in their budget for new sidewalks so that the residents could walk down the street without falling.
The mayor chuckled, began to speak, broke into a laugh and was trying to get himself together well enough to let the young preist in on the secret when the young priest shouted,"How DARE you laugh! Your own WIFE has fallen three times this WEEK. She showed me the bruises on her knees and elbows HERSELF!"
Everything went well until the old priest died of a heart attack and a new, young priest was brought to the church. After the first month the young priest had had enough and stomped into the mayor's office demanding that the city find money in their budget for new sidewalks so that the residents could walk down the street without falling.
The mayor chuckled, began to speak, broke into a laugh and was trying to get himself together well enough to let the young preist in on the secret when the young priest shouted,"How DARE you laugh! Your own WIFE has fallen three times this WEEK. She showed me the bruises on her knees and elbows HERSELF!"
alisonb
Well-known member
A man called home to his wife and said:
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit strange but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit strange but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."
A teacher asks little Johnnie if three birds were on a fence and he throws a rock and hits one, how many are left. Johnnie replies, "none, teacher." the teacher explained there were three birds, he knocked one off, that leaves two. " But teacher, the other two birds are scared off and fly away, that means there were no birds left." Teacher says, "No, the answer is two, but I like the way you think."
Johnnie asks his own question. "Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking hers, the next is sucking hers, and the third one is holding hers out at arm's length, which woman is married?" The teacher thinks a moment and then asks, "Is it the one with her cone at arm's length?" "No," Johnnie says, "It is the one wearing the wedding ring, and I DON'T like the way YOU think."
Johnnie asks his own question. "Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking hers, the next is sucking hers, and the third one is holding hers out at arm's length, which woman is married?" The teacher thinks a moment and then asks, "Is it the one with her cone at arm's length?" "No," Johnnie says, "It is the one wearing the wedding ring, and I DON'T like the way YOU think."
roborigger2
Member
one day at school little johnny gets asked by the teacher if he has anything to share with the class from the last week. He tells his teacher that on wednesday he had his dog pulling his wagon when they came to hill. As the started going down the hill the wagon sped up and the handle went right up the dogs a**. The teacher, very embarrased says johnny, its rectum not a**. Johnny, without missing a beat says rectum, darn near killed him
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
CKC1586
Well-known member
I can't believe I am going to admit this...but I read this over several times cuz I didn't "get it". Then finally the light came on... rectum..wrecked him...DUH!!!!!!!!roborigger2":2pnp7izn said:one day at school little johnny gets asked by the teacher if he has anything to share with the class from the last week. He tells his teacher that on Wednesday he had his dog pulling his wagon when they came to hill. As the started going down the hill the wagon sped up and the handle went right up the dogs a**. The teacher, very embarrassed says johnny, its rectum not a**. Johnny, without missing a beat says rectum, darn near killed him
Nesikep
Well-known member
I thought I saw this one here... but I went back about 6 pages and didn't find it, and it's too good not to share.. maybe again
Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind the Saint.
The man asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she's never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in the office.
We use it as a ceiling fan."
Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind the Saint.
The man asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she's never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in the office.
We use it as a ceiling fan."
