Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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Anonymous
Quit analyzing the joke 3way. Yer killing me ;-)
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Anonymous
3waycross":2qq4ykzr said:
Get in line buddy. There's about 59 in front of you :cowboy:
Once again I am sorry, I did not mean to offend anyone, It was a joke, Not a POLITICAL discussion.3waycross":2my84zse said:
I thought you took offenese to the car joke also, so I just deleted them all. Seems like it is not my day, I have upset too many people today.
Guess I better go feed some cattle, maybe I won't upset them too bad.
Tom you sure as heck didn't upset me. I just know that the minute we start making fun of the POTUS we are on a slippery slope.
I liked your jokes and think you are a good fella. I wasn't being critical just careful.
I liked your jokes and think you are a good fella. I wasn't being critical just careful.
cow pollinater
Well-known member
We need jokes that are offensive to nearly everyone regardless of political persuassion... I'll lend a hand...
The plane's captain came on the loudspeaker and announced that the plane was going to go down over open water and everyone should take steps to get ready for impact.
A young woman in first class began to panic..."I'm to young and pretty to die today!" she screamed "I just want someone to make me FEEL LIKE A WOMAN one more time!" she ranted on. It was then that her eyes settled on a tall dark and handsome man at the back of the plane... He held her gaze and rose to his feet and began to unbutton his shirt as he moved slowly but assuredly in her direction. Step by step he made his way to the woman at the front of the plane without losing intense eye-contact with her. As he neared her he undid the final shirt button and removed his shirt to reveal his broad shoulders, held the shirt out to her and said..."Please iron this."
The plane's captain came on the loudspeaker and announced that the plane was going to go down over open water and everyone should take steps to get ready for impact.
A young woman in first class began to panic..."I'm to young and pretty to die today!" she screamed "I just want someone to make me FEEL LIKE A WOMAN one more time!" she ranted on. It was then that her eyes settled on a tall dark and handsome man at the back of the plane... He held her gaze and rose to his feet and began to unbutton his shirt as he moved slowly but assuredly in her direction. Step by step he made his way to the woman at the front of the plane without losing intense eye-contact with her. As he neared her he undid the final shirt button and removed his shirt to reveal his broad shoulders, held the shirt out to her and said..."Please iron this."
cow pollinater
Well-known member
The post office recently scrapped plans to offer a comemerative stamp for the clitoris... After a short trial run they pulled it out of circulation as nobody could figure out which side of the stamp to lick.
While a man was sunbathing naked at the beach in Florida
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."
cowboy43
Well-known member
Rancher called his batchlor ranch foreman in to give him his orders. I gotta go on a business trip to buy some bulls and will be gone for a week. As you know the wife is springing real heavy and may give birth while I'm gone so I want to you to stay around the house and take special care of her. The old foreman said don't worry about her I'v birthed thousands of calves. So the rancher left and came back a week later and was ancious about his wife so his first question was about the wife. The old foreman said wife and baby was find it was a easy birth and he helped her deliver their in the house , as it came so quick it wasn't time to get the doctor. So the happy father went in to see wife and baby and came back out instantly mad as an old wet hen. What the hell happened to the wife you said all went well and her face is all back and blue like she had the hell beat out of her. The old foreman said all went well but I had one hell of a time to get her to eat the afterbirth. :shock:
New Italian restaurant opened here named "Bulimias" they say the food is good but the line for the bathroom is incredible.
Related to "lock your doors" thread: what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese!
Related to "lock your doors" thread: what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese!
alisonb
Well-known member
:lol: :lol: :lol:tom4018":3ujfllwz said:
cowwrangler
Well-known member
cowboy43":1htatoc1 said:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
The Dark Side of Women
> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She
> began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the
> first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75
> percent in the second. In the third, everything had just
> been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
>
> It was a female doctor notifying her that her
> husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
> critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor
> to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there
> as soon as possible.
>
> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
> was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
> She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to
> the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the
> morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a
> beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
> shop. She was jubilant.
>
> Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
> she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the
> corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The
> doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and
> finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're
> proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
> hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been
> languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just
> as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more
> than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take!
> For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock
> care. And he will now be your career!"
>
> The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
>
> The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you.
>
> He's dead. Show me what you bought."
> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She
> began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the
> first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75
> percent in the second. In the third, everything had just
> been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
>
> It was a female doctor notifying her that her
> husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
> critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor
> to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there
> as soon as possible.
>
> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
> was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
> She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to
> the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the
> morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a
> beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
> shop. She was jubilant.
>
> Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
> she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the
> corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The
> doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and
> finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're
> proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
> hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been
> languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just
> as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more
> than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take!
> For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock
> care. And he will now be your career!"
>
> The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
>
> The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you.
>
> He's dead. Show me what you bought."
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
May Day! May Day!
This is the story of the frantic blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me, help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is ATC. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now, give me your height and position."
She replies, "I'm 5'4"and I'm in the front seat."
"OK," says the voice. "Repeat after me: Our Father who art in heaven . . ."
This is the story of the frantic blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me, help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is ATC. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now, give me your height and position."
She replies, "I'm 5'4"and I'm in the front seat."
"OK," says the voice. "Repeat after me: Our Father who art in heaven . . ."
